TCM, I'm so very sorry for your loss.

You have a very tricky question there!

Men deal with all of this so very differently to women. We lost our first baby just before 9 weeks. DH went into being strong to help me keep it together at that point - other people saw how upset he was, but not me.

Our second loss - it was all over before we'd even figured out what had happened. For us both, it was very surreal, and neither of us really grieved at all.

The third and most recent - I found myself suddenly grieving two lost babies, and the first all over again. I was hurting because DH didn't seem to care at all - I pushed, I poked, I prodded to get some sort of reaction out of him... BAD IDEA! It was probably the worst argument/fight we've ever had in nearly 10 years of marriage - I was informed (very bluntly) that for him, it didn't really seem real. I was the one going through all the physical changes, but there was no outward sign of the pregnancies - so for him he really was quite detached. He was disappointed that the IVF transfers hadn't worked - but in the middle of that very ugly fight he appeared to be much more upset about the cost than about what I was going through.

In time he'll be able to talk to you about it - but let him do it in his own time. Men don't deal with emotionaly stuff as overtly as women do, generally. Probing him is probably one of the worst things you could do (learned it the hard way), but let him know that you are there to listen if he wants to talk, but you won't force him into it. For my DH, talking to another man who had been there before did more for him than any amount of talking to me.

I hope this has helped you somewhat.

BW