just lost...

[jo76]

i am new here but have been searching the net for somewhere that had people who understood where i am at. Which is a horrible thing in itself as i hate to think anyne is going through or has what i am...
Last night at 8.25pm i gave birth to a beautiful baby (sex unknown at this stage until we find out via pathology tuesday) aged 17 weeks 5 days. I have been told our baby stopped developing at approx 12 weeks but managed to hang on anyway until a few days ago as we heard hearbeats etc after this 12 week point. It is my third pregnancy adn i am devastated, confused and am wondering the age old why why why?????????????????? how and why does this happen? i don't know how nature can be so wonderful yet so cruel all at once. It took 10 hours to deliver our baby which was heartbreaking in itself, the waiting was terrible but my other choice given which was the d+c i could not face doing. (although i ended up in theatre as i had to get the placenta removed)My other 2 kids have been our strength, crazy who you find it in. My 5 year old asked why our baby had died when he saw it moving on the tv (he came to our 12 week ultrasound)and said that we just had to grow another one. He asked if the baby got enough food and that is why it stopped growing. My 3 year old who we thought would not undrstand immediately reached out to touch our baby and wnated to hold it. She says the baby is in the sky sleeping although we are not sure where she has got this from as none of us have said anything like that. So now we wait until tuesday to take our tiny baby to be cremated.
I am still in denial, there are times I have to remind myself that i am not pregnant anymore which is ridiculous as I know what i went through to find out i was'nt!The worst part i think is just that, your mind plays tricks on you and your body is doing all the things it does after my other 2 births. (bleeding/milk)

Just my little vent and sorry it turned into a essay and a half!

[mrsmac]

Huge hugs to you honey. Its such a terrible thing to go through, I have only had earlier m/c than you and found them devastating so i can only imagine what you are going through. I hope you find comfort and solace here, sadly there are many women here who will understand exactly what you are going through.

[4thekids]

Hi I just wanted to offer my condolences.
I had a loss very similar to you 6 wks ago, I was supposed to be 18 wks but the baby had stopped developing at the same gestation as your precious angel.I utterly and completely know those first raw feelings of disbelief and the shock of loss.I too went through labour trying to comprehend the fact I won't be having my baby. My kids were and still are my rock, we are both lucky in the fact that we can go home and hang onto our precious kids. My daughter is 2 in feb and my son is 3 and a half. All I can say is coming to this forum is the best thing for you as you need support and these lovely people are the best thing for it. Do what you feel will help you cry, yell or even punch a pillow. Do anything that will help you just that little bit more (although nothing truly does make you better , but you do need to grieve and know that it's ok to do so).
These first few wks will be your hardest and when you will look back it will just be one big blur but you will get there, eventually you will have a day when you can say that it was a 'good day' (at least under the circumstances). I hope and pray for you and your family , it upsets me too know that there are so many people out there that know EXACTLY how we feel, I would'nt wish it on my worst enemy.
Do you have any family/friends to watch your children? Sometimes it's good to have some alone time to grieve without the added responsibilty (I did'nt at first but realised it did do some good).
Take care and take everything day by day , step by step and I f you ever wanna chat i'm here for you.
I am so so sorry for your loss and hope that our precious angels are playing in the clouds together, keeping each other and all the other angels company.
Take care.

[rosehannah]

Big hugs to you and your family, I'm sorry for your loss.

[chris]

Hi Jo
What a night mare you have been through....My heart goes out to you and your family.
It will take your body a little while to settle and workout the hormones. (saying that I got milk on my EDD and a few other times and my hormone levels are normal).
Any time you need to vent we are here to try and help.
I'll be thinking of you on Tuesday.
Take care
Chris

[Lynn]

Jo, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby. Your questions are quite normal, you want to know why it happened and how it happened. I hope you can get some answers to help you in the grieving process. Life can be so cruel and unfair and it is so easy to be angry at the world for taking your baby. The waiting to deliver your baby is heartbreaking. I remember when we were told that they couldn't find Cooper's heartbeat and then to be told that I had to birth him. I thought that losing a baby was cruel in itself but then to make me birth. But now I look back and I cherish the fact that I did birth my little boy. Even as I was in labour and waiting for him to be born I was hoping that they had it all wrong and he would arrive into the world crying....................but there was only the sound that I have heard every day for the past year...........silence - it is deafening.

Unfortunately you body does things after you give birth which only makes it harder. I too had my milk come through but no-one to feed - it was devastating.

Your children sound like your rock and I hope you have lots of support around you. Take your time, grieve, scream, cry - whatever you need to do. It will be such a long, painful and heartbreaking journey but with the love and support of others you will be able to take one day and one step at a time. I will be thinking of you on Tuesday

[bettyboop]

I am so sad to hear of your loss of your little one. We are all here for you. Sending you a big hug.

[MsPink]

Jo..
My heartfelt sympathies..It is so so hard to go thru this.
I'm so glad you found your way to this forum. The people here are amazing and so supportive - it will really help you a lot.
I'll also be thinking of you Tuesday..

[jlk]

Jo - I just wanted to send you all my thoughts & hugs, you'll find so much support from the ladies here!

[Mel1977]

Jo - I am so sorry to hear about your little angel

[munchy]

Hi Jo

I am so very sory to hear of your loss and what you had to go through it is so hard to give birth to your baby in these situations i to had to give birth at 23 wks and i will never ever forget it the world is so crul at times and i to asked my self why why my baby that i could have given a great life to the questions go round and round give your self time to heal and having you kids there does help my son came up to me he was 3 at the time and said i can heat the baby in your belly and that was it i just cried and cried as i new there was no baby in my tummy anymore i involved him in everything he came to the scans with me and we looked through all the baby books together so i sort of feel guilty that i involved him in something that just wasnt ment to be i hope you have the support you need and this site uis brilliant sending you big honey i hope the cremation goes as well as can be it will be a very sad day i will be thinking of you and your family take care honey.

Munchy xxx

[faeriegirl]

i am so sorry for your loss i cant imagine how much your heart must be breaking right now sending love to you and your family
what your son said thats so sad and so beautifull, when i had an early miscarriage i tried explaining to my 2yo son how the baby wasnt too small and he told me the baby would be able to live in a hotwheels car it broke my heart

[~Belinda~]

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard it is for you at this time. I am praying you get through this and my heart goes out to you and your family.

[Lane242230]

Jo,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby. My heartfelt sympathy for you and your family. Take care of yourself

[Auntie M]

oh, Jo, i am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby. i wish my tears could help ease your pain, but i know too well that nothing really helps. i too went to a scan and was told that my son, Yeti, had died and that we must go through the birthing process naturally. like Lynn, i now treasure that time i spent with Yeti as some of the most precious time i have spent in this lifetime. you are so new to your grief, still in a state of shock. it is, unfortunately, so normal to be in shock and to be grieving for your child. in my experience, it takes a long time to come through this grief process. i felt for the first four months that i would never smile and never stop crying. i thought i was going crazy. i am still in pain, 8 months after losing our son, and still have horrible days. but some days are okay. we will never forget our precious children, but we will get through some of the most profound grief to be able to function again.

the best thing you can do is be good to yourself: take the time you need to feel whatever you are feeling. that sounds silly, but the feelings are overpowering, contradictory, and sometimes not part of our normal personality (guilt, jealousy, anger) and are difficult to accept. allow yourself to live through those feelings, and give yourself time to grieve. eventually you will have some "better" days. i hope you have a good support system of family and/or friends and perhaps a support group too. i have found much comfort here at bb, and from a nearby support group. it is wonderful that your other children have been able to see into your pain and provide you with some comfort.

big hugs to you, and i am sure your precious child is part of everything you do and has good company. my prayers go out to you. xxoom