Im so sorry for your loss, and i take my hat off to you, for trying to find some answers.

SANDS really is a wonderful place, filled with understanding people, and i recommend them with out hesitation. It must be so hard for the father to understand the intensity of the grief a woman feels after M/C. I believe that the father does grieve but in a totally different way to the mother.
I guess all you can do is be there for her. Let her cry and yell, but you need to let her know that your feeling the loss too, i often got so caught up in my own grief that i forgot about my DH and it was never intentional. He came across as not caring but that wasnt the case at all. And he then felt used because i was so desperate to be pregnant again, and it wasnt to replace my baby, but just my desire to be the mother i always wanted to be. i came so close, but then it was taken away from me.

I think you need to talk about your feelings openly and let her know your concerns.

best of luck
treelo