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Thread: Men after partners M/c

  1. #1
    Byebb A Guest

    Default Men after partners M/c

    Just curious how do men take on their partners emotions after they have a m/c.

    My partner lost her baby only after a couple of weeks, of being pregnant. I try to comfort her to the best of my abilities, but im not sure if somedays i add fuel to the fire...

    Im supporting her at the moment, but sometime I feel pressured that she wants another baby to fill in the gap (sorry bad wording).



    I love her with all my heart, and will do the best i can for her, but sometime i just don't know what to say or do...

  2. #2

    Default

    Hi there. Firstly, I am very sorry for your loss. You are very likely to get a lot of responses to your psot as this has been an ongoing issue, or rather misunderstanding between the two partners? feelings.

    Firstly, having experienced something similar myself, I can say that the amount of grief that a woman feels after such a loss is just enormous, and it is very likely that the father will never understand that. For him, the baby, especially at such a young gestational age is associated with his partner?s feeling for the baby. Very often, the intensity of the feelings for the baby only comes out, when the physical signs of the baby appear ? big belly, the baby kicking, etc? Some men might not get this intensity until they hold the baby itself. The woman, however, as a source of giving and carrying life, emotionally connects with the baby form the day one she finds out she is pregnant. This baby becomes a part of her in the fullest sense of the word. And when that part is lost? It?s impossible to explain, but this feeling cannot be compared to any other feeling on Earth.

    I guess my advice is to try and understand that your wife/partner is feeling something that you will probably never understand (due to biological differences), accept her ups and downs and let her grief. Do not try and fix it ? it can?t be fixed, don?t try and put pressure on her to ?get over it? ? she never will, she will get better, but in her own timeframe. Just be there for her and accept her grief. It is very likely she could blame you for not hurting as much as she does, please accept that.

    This is not an easy time for any relationship, and your relationship will suffer. But it should get stronger also, if both of you treat each other with understanding.
    Good luck and my biggest sympathies to your wife.

    P.S have a look on this website ? I think they have got a few resources regarding father?s grief there.
    SANDS Australia

  3. #3
    slyder Guest

    Default

    Byebb, good on you for taking steps to further your knowledge and be the best support to your partner that you can be. Try not to overanalyse yourself, the fact that you are here and trying to understand more shows your depth of character.

  4. #4

    Join Date
    Dec 2006
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    In my own private paradise
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    15,281

    Default

    Byebb - firstly, i'm so very sorry for the loss that you and your partner have been through. i admire the strength of character that you're showing by coming onto BB to find some help - it shows how much you truly care about your partner and the relationship you have.

    as mummyofanangel so beautifully said, i too think it's something that the male partner feels "differently" - my DH took on the role of protector and supporter - and didn't let me see how he was truly feeling - he wanted nothing more than to make it "better" for me - and it put a lot more strain on us as a couple as i thought he wasn't feeling the same things i was. admittedly, i now realise that he wasn't feeling the SAME - but he really was hurting. your partner is probably feelin the pain much more intensely than you are - and it's something that you will struggle with over a period of time.

    getting pregnant again won't take away the pain of your first angel baby - but the intensity of love your partner felt for your baby may have kicked that "maternal" need into gear in her, and made her realise how much she truly wants to be a mummy... before our first angel baby i wasn't sure how much i wanted to be a parent, but after experiencing that emotion, even for a short time, i realised how much it truly means to me.

    be open and honest with your partner - acknowledge that you're feeling hurt, but that you are struggling to understand the depth of her emotions - and then just continue to be there for each other - there will be good days, there will be bad days - and one day you'll both know that it's RIGHT to start trying again...

    good luck to you both

    BG

  5. #5

    Join Date
    Jun 2007
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    the love boat
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    Im so sorry for your loss, and i take my hat off to you, for trying to find some answers.

    SANDS really is a wonderful place, filled with understanding people, and i recommend them with out hesitation. It must be so hard for the father to understand the intensity of the grief a woman feels after M/C. I believe that the father does grieve but in a totally different way to the mother.
    I guess all you can do is be there for her. Let her cry and yell, but you need to let her know that your feeling the loss too, i often got so caught up in my own grief that i forgot about my DH and it was never intentional. He came across as not caring but that wasnt the case at all. And he then felt used because i was so desperate to be pregnant again, and it wasnt to replace my baby, but just my desire to be the mother i always wanted to be. i came so close, but then it was taken away from me.

    I think you need to talk about your feelings openly and let her know your concerns.

    best of luck
    treelo

  6. #6

    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Melbourne
    Posts
    60

    Default

    I'm so sorry for your's and your wifes loss, it is such a difficult time in any relationship but good on you for trying to understand more of what your wife is feeling so you can better help her. We are complex characters, the best way to describe how I felt after all of my miscarriages was 'someone had wripped the carpet out from under me'. We had started to make plans, clean out the spare room, get all the baby stuff out of the roof, get the cot back, how would I get my son to kinder with a newborn, what about swimming with my son I wouldn't be able to get in the pool with him. When we found out that our baby was an angel that all stopped, really suddenly with no warning.
    You both need to grieve but in different ways so take the time to sit and chat with her about how YOU feel, she may then open up and tell you how she is feeling.
    Most of all be there for her. You don't have to say anything just hug her and tell her how much you love her and that you are there for her, the future will take care of itself.

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