Hi CraftyMummy & Snuggleybean,

Thank you for your support and advice. I went to emergency and after the ultrasound they said the sac had not come away and I will need to expel it either naturally or D&C. They gave me the option of waiting a few days to see if it happens naturally, they also gave me a drug that will stimulate the process, although this is no guarantee that I still won't need surgery-it may work, it may not, or only work partly. Since I want to TTC as quickly as possible, decided not to leave it too long, so I am booked in for the D&C on Thursday. I explained what happened to me last time at the other hospital, and they have booked me in for first on the list. In the meantime, I have the pills if I want to take them, but I am afraid, I am told the pain can be quite bad. On the other hand, it may start of it's own accord anyway, before Thursday, so I'd just have to go through it, Panadeine Forte on hand.
I thought that was good advice, to remember when I look at other mums to be to think how much they might've gone through, rather than feel envious and sad. I also think the advice to look forward is good--I think they were surprised at the hospital that I wasn't more emotional, but the truth is I'm 43 and emotionally I can't hang on to this loss, I have to be emotionally ready to try again, because time is so short. Of course I'm sad and I'm grieving, but like you, I have to think positive, or as positive as I can be. I have to be able to function again. I have to look forward, because I don't have the luxury of anything else. This may be partly a function of age--I've always been highly emotional and get more affected by events, big or small, than other people, and have a hard time getting up again. Other people noticed it. But I'm surprised at my resilience, that I'm not totally flattened. I put it down to something maturing in me. Yes, this loss will be with me forever, and I will always wonder what could've been. And I will surely cry on Thursday, too. But the maternity nurse was encouraging--she told me it was a fully formed sac, not a blighted ovum, and therefore if it happened once it could happen again, it showed I still have viable eggs. The down side is apart from my age, our fertility has been male factor, with a very negative profile, which is why I never went ahead with IVF or believed we would ever conceive.
5 is a lot to grieve over, I admire your courage and your tenacity. Like you, I believe my body knows how to do this, and do it right.
Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers and concerns and sharing your stories and experiences. It really does help, doesn't it?
Metaphorica