Hi KLH and welcome to BB, even though it is under such devastating circumstances.

I'd like to tell you my story if that is ok, as I think it may give you a bit of hope.

I too know what it is like. When I got pregnant with my first angel at 17 while on the pill and using condoms, my BF at the time didn't want anything to do with it, and spent hours every day trying to convince me to end the pregnancy.
When we had our first scan at 6 weeks and 4 days we found out that our little bubba had serious developmental problems and would never have survived being born, so we were told to have a d&c because of our ages (I was 17, then BF was 18). He (I am sure he was a boy) was just 7 weeks 4 days gestation when I had the d&c. It was the worst day of my life.
Afterwards, no one would talk to me about it. If I brought it up people would tell me that 'it was my own fault' and that 'I had made the decision to have the d&c so I shouldn't complain about it', and that 'I should get over it', 'It'll happen again when you're ready' etc etc. No one ever asked how I was feeling or what I was thinking. No one asked what I wanted, no one gave me a hug or told me it would all be ok. The decision was taken out of my hands right from the beginning and I had no choice in the matter.

It affected me for years, and I still kept on trying for another baby, because I wanted
one soooooo bad, because my own little angel had been taken from me.

I had 3 mc's before I met my DH, and just 4 1/2 months after we started dating I found out I was pregnant again with our DS. I was so shocked, I was on the pill and we were being very very careful. But obviously not careful enough. I was so scared that my now DH would leave me or insist that I end the pregnancy, but he didn't. He knew about my past history as I had told him not long after we met. I felt it was best to be honest with him.

We started actively trying for another baby in september last year, and had no luck until in January this year we got our elusive BFP, only to have it taken away from us when I started bleeding at 4wk+1d. Then, just a couple of weeks ago at we got our BFP again, only to have it taken away once more at 4wk+5/6d.

It is devastating every time it happens. Though the 2 this year have been worse that any of the others apart from my very first angel, because my DH and I wanted these 2 so badly.

Looking back I can now say that even though it hurts right now, and even for months and years later, it does get better. You still feel the pain and anger and resentment, and even guilt over maybe there being something that you could have done/not done, but you can manage it, and move past it.

Here is something that I said to another lady just last week (I now have it in my sig, to remind me everytime I am here on BB):
"I am stronger because I have been through so much pain & survived & my babies who have joined the angels are always with me to hold me up & keep me strong & to help me get through anything life throws in my path"

It is a very apt expression of what we have been through. I find repeating to myself gives me strength when I'm having a particularly bad day.

I hope that your BF can somehow understand how much pain you are going through at the moment, as even though your little angel wasn't planned it was still there, it still existed and it made a big impression on not only your life, but your BF's life as well.

Sending HUUUUUGE HUGS out to you!
Jen - xoxo