Normal???

[loopy_girl21]

Let me start by sharing my story... I am happily engaged to an amazing guy. I lost my baby about a month and a half ago... I don't feel 'normal' yet. I was Very excited about being pg and now it's gone. The first week all I did was cry. Now I don't cry but I want to talk about it all the time. I want to know that my fiance' is still sad too... I don't know if this is normal or now. And when do things get to like they were, if ever... Is there anything that I can do to make myself feel better???

[Arimeh]

Hi, firstly, welcome to BB. I'm sorry that you have experienced a loss
I've not personally suffered a loss, but I believe the only way to work through grief is to do just that - WORK through it... talk about it, write down your feelings, write poetry, stories, etc, whatever works for you. Nobody grieves in the same way, or for the same amount of time so its whatever you need to do to help yourself.
There are plenty of beautiful women on these forums that will give you the support you need to help you through.
Take care of yourself.

[loopy_girl21]

Honestly, I don't know what to do to make myself feel better. I don't want to cry. But I know I'm not over it because I am so jealous of other pg women. I just had a friend who had a baby, and I'm happy for her, but don't understand why she had one but not me??? I just know that I'm not over it or how to get there.

[diannescruffy]

Hi hun,
Sorry to hear about your loss. Everyone grieves in different ways, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. If you feel like crying then cry, trust your body and your feelings. I lost my baby two years ago and still cry. Things will get easier for you. Welcome to BB and just know that we know what your going through and will be here to support you.

Take care,
Dianne

[loopy_girl21]

Thank You! I really apperciate everyone so far. It's nice to know that there are others out there who know my pain. I feel very alone... I think this is going to help alot. Sadly this is my second mc and I"m afraid there is something wrong with me.

[curl]

Hello and hugs to you. I found when I lost our baby that my DH didn't ever seem comfortable with talking about our loss. I would want him to show emotions and talk about things but he was grieving in a very different way to me. Close friends weren't much help to me nor were relatives unless they had been through a pregnancy that didn't work out. Even a friend who had a bub die at 3 months of age wasn't much help as her experience was so different. My point is, you are in the right place, bellybelly helped me immensely just by reading other people's stories and posting your story may help you too as you are NOT alone. My DH and I are expecting again and I now know how hard things were for my DH as he is there in so many subtle ways although he never expressed himself properly. He's in the navy and has told his captain that we are about to be in the same stage of pregnancy as when we lost our son. I didn't ask him to tell his boss, he did it himself. The reason is because if something happens again they will allow him to fly home to be with me for support. If the miscarriage didn't effect him, he wouldn't have said anything and its obviously playing on his mind. Give your partner time to grieve in his own way but leave the communications open when he wants to talk. I don't think any person feels completely 'normal' after a loss. Vent, rant, rave and share your story here and you will find support and encouragement from all.

Curl

[loopy_girl21]

About to go to bed, but I wanted to finish my story...

I went to the hospital, it was awful ,my DF is a FireFighter and couldnt find someone to cover his shift so a friend took me. I am terribly scared of needles and to be honest I was kind of freaking out when I got my IV and the nurse told me that I needed to lighten up. I was laying in the hospital about to pass my baby and she told me to lighten up???? I actually passed the baby in the toilet (sorry if thats TMI) and had another nurse tell me that my baby was in the sewer system!! On the way home my amazing friend who drove me to the hospital, almost hit a deer and ended up flipping there truck 3 times. I lost my baby on March 1, 2008 (1:45 am ish) at 13 weeks.

[curl]

How awful for you! Unfortunately the toilet scenario is all too common. I too lost our baby in the bathroom. I had the urge to urinate (tmi I know) and clots fell into the bowl when I felt a larger clot coming and I knew it would be the baby so as he fell my reflexes took hold and I caught him. I can't believe how insensitive the staff were at your hospital, they obviously are in the wrong profession!

I hope your friend was okay from the rollover.

[jen805]

loopy girl--OMG, I can't believe that nurse had the gall to say something like that to you! My heart is absolutely broken for you. I had my m/c on Mar. 5 (the day before my b-day). It happened at home for me, but I was also on the toilet. Can't quite seem to get over the fact that I had to flush my baby down the toilet There was just so much blood, there was no way I was going to try to fish my baby out--the dr. asked me to try to bring it in for testing, but WTF--was having full-blown contractions, just like labor, but without the beautiful gift at the end to take away the pain. I'd be in the loony bin right now if I had actually had to fish through the toilet. Insensitive people like that shouldn't be working in a hospital or even for a doctor for that matter. I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain. You are definitely at the right place for support and understanding. Try to remember that men show their emotions in different ways. My DF is a problem solver, and because this is a problem that he can't solve, it's just easier for him to try to not think about it. I've now learned to come here to vent or cry because a man, or anyone else that's never had a m/c, just isn't capable of comprehending what it's like to feel so attached to something that's growing inside you and then have it taken away. It's hard for people to relate if they've never been the one sitting on that toilet... You're not alone here! You're in my thoughts and prayers!

[V21]

Hi everyone,

Sorry to hear about your loss, I too lost my baby in March, easter sat. I am a nurse and I am surprised to hear that the nurses at your hospital were so insensitive. My Dr was like that when I went and saw him after the m/c. It angers me so much that they expect us to act like it was nothing important, even though they couldn't see our baby it was the most important thing in our life. Again, I am really really sorry.

[jmmum]

Loopy 21. You are absolutely normal. It's about what you feel and experience and there is no right or wrong no normal or abnormal. It all just happens in it's own way and time.
I have a ache in my heart and some days it's little and somedays huge. It's a reminder a constance and place in my heart for my
My thoughts are with you take care and take it easy on youself.

[StrawberryMumma]

I'm so sorry Loopy for the loss of your little ones, and so sorry that you had to go through that ordeal at the hossy
That nurse was terribly insensitive, and your little babies although very tiny, are so precious, and so special. Having a mc is such a hard thing, but your little ones will always be with you, inside your heart. Even though it wasn't how you planned things to be, you're still their mummy and that's very special.
Things will get easier..

[chepie]

Hi hun,

I am ever so very sorry for the loss of your angel.....like all the other lovely ladies have already said allow yourself to cry/yell/rant and rave.............

I made a special box for my angel, I painted it and lined the box and put my hpt in it, the pink booties and cards in it. I keep next to my bed so she is close to me always... I also planted a special flower in a pot so I can take it with me anywhere! It took me a year to finish the box but it was part of my healing process..

Take babe
xxxx

[loopy_girl21]

Thank you all... I still don't know how to feel better. My DF is a Fire Fighter, so I am alone alot so I have nothing to do but sit and think. I would like to quit thinking about it, not forget my baby, but not think about it all the time. Every time I see a PG woman or a baby all I can think about is my little girl...

[~StarBright~]

Hi Loopy_girl!!

Hugs to you for your losses I am glad you found belly belly!!

I have suffered a few losses myself, and its not a nice thing to go through. Especially with nurses with bad attitudes attatched!! I too would have lost my son down the loo, but the nurses were prepared and had a tray thing that sat on the loo that caught him.

It took a loooong time for me to get over my first lost, my little boy, i lost him at 18 weeks, and seriously i was a mess up to and after his due date, which was months later. Just like you said, you were all excited and now suddenly there is nothing to be happy about, and YES hearing about and seeing other people bundles of joy is THE WORST!! It was for me anyway, still is, even though i am pregnant, he isnt here yet.... so i still get a little twinge inside when i see babies and pregnant bellies.
A month or two after Darrens due date i got a new job in a pub and so i had something else to focus on where no one really knew about what had happened and i had to smile all day for the customers, so it sort of worked out, plus there werent too many babies coming to the pub.. so that was a bonus too!!

I honestly dont think i will ever be the same person i was before any of my losses... but after some time, you get a new sort of "normal" feeling.

Its understandable that you are abit more concerned now, being your 2nd loss. I am sure if you ask your dr, he/she can do a few simple blood tests to see if anything comes up as a possible cause for your losses or if there seems to be any reason why you shouldnt keep trying.
And if you get the all clear, when you are ready, you can try again knowing things are looking good for you.

Take care
StarBright

[onemore]

Hey loopy, so sorry to here of your loss.
I know exactly what you mean about the pg women every where !! I see them all over the place.
I lost my baby on Nov 27 last year and Im still not over it, every body is different in the way they handle something so terrible but you are in the right place.. I tend to have good days and bad days (and now there are more good than bad days) sometimes I hear a song that reminds me of what I`ve lost and I will have a cry and also reading other womens stories is just so heart breaking.
The most important thing is to look after your self and take as long as you need to heal.
A little idea that I read in another post is to plant a tree or flower for your little one, I have a little shrub I will plant in the first week of July (thats when my baby was due) it has small pink star shaped flowers from summer through till the end of autum. I will be nice to see those flowers start to bloom every year around the time I fell pg.

all the best

[belfie]

Hey Loopy_girl,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through. That hospital experience sounds just awful.

I agree with what many others have said, there is no set time in which you should/will feel better. After our m/c last October, I think my DH tried so hard to be strong for me - he knew I was trying to deal with both the physical and the emotional side of it. The flip side of this was that when I finally started to feel a little better, then he felt really flat. But being a "problem-solving male" dealt with it in a totally different way to me. I think it's incredibly difficult because you both will cope in different ways, and sometimes you pull each other down as you go through the grief in different ways and at different speeds (so to speak). I was also working with a colleague who was PG (3 weeks behind me). Watching her progress & announce her PG was incredibly hard. I started by not wanting to be jealous of other women... but in the end, I did feel very jealous. I honestly look back on that time and it was as though we were both in this huge grey fog, just desperately trying to cope & understand this experience that had been thrown at us.

I decided to go see an EAP counsellor (explained as I booked it, was for m/c). Only to turn up to see a counsellor... 6-7 mths PG!!! I did one session, but chose not to go back. That was just too challenging! So saying, there were some things that she suggested that I found very useful, I'll jot them down in case anything appeals to you:

• keep a journal (I did find this good - just to get my thoughts OUT)
• do something to commemorate our angel baby (we were going to plant a lime tree... but they'd sold out!)
• I bought a beautiful necklace to treasure the memory of my angel
• I wrote a letter to my angel

I also found I needed to a have a female friend (in my case - 2 very very dear sisters) who I could talk to. I just found I couldn't always talk to DH about it... we'd just overwhelm each (if that makes sense). I remember feeling impatient to feel "normal" again, and not think about it... but I couldn't not. I think one day you'll wake up and realise that just one tiny part of you is starting to feel just a tiny bit better... but it takes time, and be kind to yourself.

And also totally agree with what others have said, post here! Vent, rant... get out whatever you need! It helped me so much to login here, and see hugs from all these women around the world just sending me love when I needed it.
On that note, sending you big big

[loopy_girl21]

Thank you all... It helps know that what I'm going through is 'normal'... I guess what a big reminder is that I work for a construction co. and we have a vendor who sends there secretary to pick up their check and she has the exact same due date that I had, which is a day after my own birthday... I just don't think that this is fair at all... I mean, there are girls out there having abortions, women who beat and abuse there children and me and my DF really wanted our baby.... I just dont understand.... If I knew there was something wrong, and heart prob, or some type of condition it might give me some closure, but I know nothing. I asked my DR. if they could run tests and she said that there was nothing they could really do without having the baby... Is that true or should I look into finsing anotherone???

P.S. For some reason I cannot sleep tonight, if someone wants to get on the live chat with me let me know!