Hi to everyone, I'm kind of stuck and looking for help. I think I may have found the right place?!

I don't really know where to start, I didnt' realise it would be this hard, and it's not even me I'm really here for.

My sister gave birth in November last year to a little girl, her first child, who sadly never took a breath. She knew it was going to happen, just not so soon. Baby B was 9 weeks early (but still a robust 5lb 11!). Her lungs never developed, for reasons we later found out was due to a 'benign' tumour in her neck. My sis took it all in her stride, and was seemingly incredibly strong. The funeral was held in the same church we'd all gathered in only a month earlier to celebrate her wedding to her husband - when even then they'd known things weren't right. At the time I was pregnant with my first child, also a little girl. After an uncomplicated pregnancy I went on to deliver a perfectly healthy baby girl, this year in March. Again my sis was seemingly strong. Even when we were pregnant together, while she knew her little angel had no hope of surviving from the moment she was born, she insisted on coming shopping for the baby things I'd never got around to buying (she'd already kitted out her own nursery - I had barely even bought a changing mat). Baby B was planned and was conceived after a year of trying - my baby wasn't planned and was conceived immediately after a minor slip with birth control.

So here we are almost a year later, and my sis's lifestyle has changed immensely. She is always out at her local or on a night in town, she's rarely home, and while I've up until now been the biggest defender of her behaviour, (she left home at 17 and grew up quickly and never did the whole 'going out scene', she's now 24), I'm now starting to suspect it's a major act of avoidance. After recently talking to one or two people who've been out with her, it turns out she's been known to lock herself in the toilets after a few too many and cry about baby B. She's had a tatoo done on the base of her neck with B & B - her baby B and her friends baby B - but not even a mention of my baby E, which leads me to suspect she isn't handling my baby E nearly as well as she makes out she does. And thinking about it she never sees her unless we're at the same social occassion and has to, where she holds her for the required amount of time then hands her back when she starts being a bit noisy. Not that I doubt she loves her!

She's never out with her husband either, she's even told him once (then told me afterwards matter of fact) that he reminds her of what she's lost. She's told my cousin she hates being at home because theres no crying baby where there should be one. One of our cousins who lives abroad actually asked if she'd split up with her hubby, because of all the pics she puts on her facebook page, he's in none of them, she's never with him.

From talking to other family members - namely our cousins - it turns out their parents gave a gift of money towards baby B's funeral, and to this day theres been no acknowledgement of this. I was told she had to ask someone else for the money. And she's told me she'd borrowed money for a headstone, and yet she's told others she's no money for a headstone, or its still to early for a headstone, or the headstone is a special one that takes ages to be delivered. I know money talk within families should be taken with a pinch of salt and that I shouldn't believe anything unless hearing it from the horses mouth, but it just seems theres too many stories.

I've read over this site, even googling for a site like this has had me in floods of tears, because I think about baby B all the time too, every time I look at my baby E I feel utter grief she'll never know her cousin, yet at the same time I'm so unbelieveable thankful for what I have, and guilty about her being so perfect and having no probs in pregnancy, and not even planning for her, where my sis was planning, and to be fair is in a miles better situation to have a baby than me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, how can I help my sister deal with this? Because all the things I've mentioned above have all happened individually over time, and it's only this last day or two I've suddenly put it all together and come up with one hell of a messy situation. I am absolutely certain that she'll carry on as she's doing until something snaps, and I'm certain that will be her marriage to the most amazing bloke you could hope to find. We've tried talking to her individually - no joy. If we confronted her in a group, I know instinctively that would be a bad idea. I'm tempted to email her a few links to forums such as this and hope she takes it upon herself to have a look through them, if she hasn't done already. Or I could tell our parents - that after months of convincing them she's fine I'm not so sure she is anymore. And am I even the best person to be trying to help her, after all my pregnancy turned out fine? She's done such a good job of convincing everyone she's fine I think she's believeing it herself, and I'm not sure she's ever properly grieved. I know I still feel like I'm grieving, that must be nothing compared to how she feels.

I just know she needs help, and I've no idea how to approach it without her doing a runner or telling me to eff off.

I really hope you all can advise me, any advice would be amazingly helpful.

Thank you all so much for your time xxxxxx