I'm so sorry for posting an all about me, but I'm so devastated and I need to let it out somewhere.

I am meant to be 8 weeks pregnant today but I miscarried over the weekend and I'm really, really not coping.

I burst into tears when I found out I was pregnant four weeks ago. I didn't know how I felt as it was so unexpected. Before long though my little person in there became everything I lived for and I was so desperate for my 9 months to zoom past so I could be a mum.

Somehow I just knew something wasn't right. From the start I had a horrible feeling I was going to miscarry but tried to convince myself I was just being paranoid about nothing. Then the bleeding started. At first it was just light brown spotting. The obstetrician said it was most likely nothing to worry about but booked me in for a scan, just to be sure. On Friday afternoon, DH and I were sat in the obstetricians office waiting for said scan and I started bleeding heavily. I knew that was it then, and I miscarried over the weekend. Excuse the graphic nature of this next statement, but when I passed a walnut sized lump of something when I went to the toilet on Saturday afternoon, the worst, worst, worst thing I could have done (and did) was to look down to see what it was. I've had nightmares ever since.

Today I had to go for a scan to make sure everything had come away and it was horrible. The sonographer (or whatever they're called) made a point of showing me a picture of (and I quote) "my very empty uterus" four times. I was so upset - he knew I was in there because I'd miscarried, its obvious to look at me that i've done a lot of crying, and it was just so insensitive. Then as I was leaving he gave me a huge cheery smile and said oh well! Better luck next time eh? There was a chair next to me and I had a good mind to throw it at his head, but I just walked away, shut the door and burst into tears.

I have cried more than I thought possible. I didn't even know this level of emotional pain from something you only knew about for four weeks was possible or sane. But the tears keep going. I'm trying to hard to pull myself through this, but I'm really struggling. DH can't take any time off work and I stay at home all day as I haven't been able to find a job. I'm on bed rest, and staying at home alone all day with nothing but my morbid thoughts for company is doing me no favours.

I just don't know what to do. ? want to start TTC again right away, but DH wants to hold off until I've got a job, which I know is sensible but I feel is like some horrible insurmountable task that will never reach fruition. I'm suddenly desperate to be a mum, my maternal instinct has kicked in with full force, and then some.

The biggest part I'm struggling with is that DH has a son from a previous relationship. His ex is horrible. I mean, I know a lot of people probably say that about their partner's ex, but she really truly is. We've had huge issues with access and she freely admits she has different children to different men to "maximise her income" and that she wants none of those men to have anything to do with their children. I've got so much anger and hatred towards her right now - its probably a good thing that she is in England to be honest because it means I have no contact with her. It just doesn't seem fair - people like her, who are openly screwing up their children (DS is a mess and the only three year old I know that shows serious medically diagnosed signs of stress, but apparently we still don't have a leg to stand on in terms of custody, which is rubbish)... people like her get to keep their babies even though they do the wrong thing and are horrible, horrible people. Why can't DH and I, who want nothing more than a loving and close family unit, keep ours?

I feel defective and like this is my fault. Like I should have done something different and then maybe this wouldn't have happened. I'm trying to do positive things to bring myself out of this - I applied for uni today to start teaching next year, and I also applied for some jobs.

But I can't sleep. On Friday when it all started I was too upset to sleep. Since then, every time I drift off I instantly have the most terrifying nightmares about seeing what came out of me when I miscarried, and I can't sleep after that. This is the fifth night that I haven't slept. Its 1.15am and I have been to bed and ended up getting up again because I was keeping DH awake with my fidgeting. I am like a zombie and I look like someone has taken a baseball bat to me because of the dark circles from the crying (which has mostly stopped now thank god) and the lack of sleep. I can't sleep during the day either, which doesn't help. I'm sure if I could actually get some rest I'd start feeling a bit more positive about things.

Anyway, I'm sorry this is so long but I really needed to let it all out. DH has been brilliant, but I think only women who have been through it can truly understand.

Night all... I guess i'll go and find a movie to put on. xx