Trying to cope with recent miscarriage

[AnnaToo]

During my ultrasound last week I found out that what I thought was going to be a routine 10 week prenatal visit was instead going to be a heart-wrenching discovery--that my baby had died 3 weeks prior. I had lulled myself into this false sense of security and so, was not prepared for this bad news. At my 6 week visit the doctor had found a heartbeat and said the chance of miscarriage dropped to 5% once the heartbeat is present. I had not had any bleeding and had a lot of morning sickness--no signs of miscarriage. It was a nasty shock to hear this news. I had a D and C later that day. Physically I am doing fine but emotionally this is very hard.

For some reason I am really bothered by the fact that my baby was dead for 3 weeks and I didn't even know it. I feel betrayed by my body. I am haunted by memories of the moment that ultrasound showed no heart beat and a baby that was at 7 weeks development--the moment my future and all my expectations changed.

The only people we had told were my brother-in-law and his wife because they told us they were pregnant too--and due about 1 mos after us. Today, hearing about their first prenatal visit, I couldn't help but cry for my loss. I think that every step of their pregnancy is going to be so hard to take. Even though I am happy for them on one level, I am so sad for my loss on another. I am dreading the next 8 mos.

Finding time to grieve has been challenging. I am so grateful (esp after this experience) to have a 2 year old son, but I don't feel I can cry while taking care of him. I have to snatch time to cry right before bed or sometimes while driving (if I do it quietly so my son doesn't know). I didn't tell any of my coworkers we were expecting so I have just been pretending to be more or less normal at work, which is difficult. I think maybe it's worse to be a private person at times like these because I really feel the need to talk about it or have someone acknowledge this loss (thus the post).

We want to try to get pregnant again but I feel a little bit as if time is running out. I'm 37 years old now and have no faith in my body at this point. My husband keeps talking about how we will have another and I have to tell him to stop. I feel as if he is making assumptions or jinxing us or something. No matter what, I will always have a hole in my heart because of this experience. I ordered a necklace with a heart-shaped pendant on it so that I will have something tangible to hold when I think of my baby.

Thanks for reading and, in advance, for any comforting words you might have. It has been somewhat cathartic to sit here and cry and write this post.

[Arimeh]

I'm so sorry for your loss Anna. It is tragic that anybody has to go through this, and I wish nobody ever had to feel the pain of losing a bub.

Please take care of yourself, take the time (whenever you can) to grieve for your little angel.

And give your beautiful DS big cuddles and kisses. I think its ok to cry in front of your children, gives them the experience of showing compassion and comfort to others.

[Inanna]

Welcome to Belly Belly Anna - I am so sorry it is under such sad circumstances...

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. Missed miscarriages bring with them their own difficulties. It is a dreadful feeling to know that you have carried on normally when such a tragic thing has happened. We question why we didnt' know and why is it that there was not an instinctual knowing. I suffered a missed miscarriage of my DD - I was 16 and a bit weeks and she died at 14 - 15 weeks - I understand the feeling of betrayl by your body.

You will find much loving support on these forums - many women have experienced missed miscarriage - I am sure they will be along to offer you support too.

The necklace is a beautiful idea - I am sending you love and strength..

[anney]

Annatoo,
Your story is very similar to mine. Heartbeat at 6 weeks scan so I then actually accepted that we might have a baby (it was IVF) then a complete shock at the 10 week visit. I also felt that my body had lulled me into a false sense of security. especially when m/s continued for some weeks after the miscarriage.
I can understand how you feel a bit afraid to try again but don't think that time is running out. I had my first child at 40. when you feel up to it, try again and it will hopefully all be different the next time.

[Kitt3n]

Hi Anna,

Welcome to BB, it is very sad that you are joining in such terible circumstances.

I myself have had 2 missed miscarriages - one at almost 7 weeks and the second at almost 10 weeks.

(flowerchild - you have really scared me with your post!)

But you do get through it, big xox.

I found that my DD was my strength during both - she really did keep me going.

Scream, cry, run, hide, be with people - whatever it is that helps yo get through this. you will find much strenght on BB.

[AnnaToo]

Thank you all for your kind thoughts. It has been helpful to write down how I was feeling and get your replies. I had my 2 week check-up today and everything seemed fine but it made me cry to be back at the doctor's office.
My husband seems to be getting over this more quickly than me but I expect that's normal.
I'll have to decide when and whether to try again. If we do, I'm sure I'll have to visit the TTC after m/c forum a lot! And if we get pregnant I'm sure I'll be a complete disaster and will need even more help.
Thanks again,
Anna

[NaeNae]

Anna,

I am so deeply sorry.

This is a horrible thing to go through and you do feel very betrayed by your body. I was physically 9 weeks when I discovered I had started to mc. That bub hadn't developed past 4 and a bit weeks.

Partners do have trouble with early mc I don't know why, maybe its because the bubs weren't developed yet but I can tell you it has touched him in some way. Its not the same for us women though because its happened to us and was growing within us.

Take what time you can get to greive.

When you decide its time to try again it will be a very scary time but you will come through it.

There is no greater pain than a mc or loss if you ever need to chat feel free to pm me.

Nae x x

[tina_k]

Oh Anna too, Im so so sorry to hear of your loss. I miscarried at 9 weeks too, and had the d & c a week later. @ days after that my sister in law told me she was pregnant …this broke my heart. She is due 2 weeks after my baby would have been born. She is now 6 weeks away from delivering, and i break down every time I see her or talk to her about her baby..im happy for her on the one hand, but I find it so hard to hear about her pregnancy without feeling grief and loss of my own…

We miscarried in December, and our bub would have been due next month…
We have been trying again since then, but no luck as yet, im praying so hard for it to come soon…I really wanted to be pg again for my due date…I don’t know how else I will get though it otherwise…

Please cry as much as you need to.. I know that there is nothing anyone can say that will take this pain away, but I also know that it slowly does get better…

BB was a lifesaver for me when I needed to talk, so please come back as often as you need to, there will always be someone here to listen…

[8weeks]

Hi Anna,

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious baby .

I hope you're dealing ok with your husband talking about having children so soon. My husband got the doctor to write out a prescription for folic acid and asked when we could try again the day after our son was born. I was mortified.

I too know what it's like to have pregnant in-laws too. When we found out we were expecting, both my sisters in law were pregnant. One has since had hers, which was hard enough, but the SIL I actually consider a friend is due 3 weeks before our son would have been born. I am not looking forward to their call telling us they have had their daughter within the next few weeks...

Do whatever you need to to get through this time. It is one of the most testing times of all.

[~ Mylitta ~]

AnnaToo - I am deeply sorry that you have experienced a loss. I found out that I had lost my angel at 8w1d and was devastated. Luckily I was able to take just over a week off work to grieve and DH was really supportive. Is there any chance you can take some sick/personal leave at work to give yourself a little extra time to yourself?

Please don't lose hope in your body. My obstetrician told me that there was about a 99% chance that the baby didn't survive because of a chromosomal problem, and that it had nothing to do with my body and that there was nothing I could have done differently. I'm sure this is the same for you.

Like you, I had morning sickness the entire time and no signs of miscarriage, so I think that our bodies were doing a really good job of making all the right hormones (hence the sickness) and just trying to hold onto our little bubbas with all their might (hence no miscarriage).

Trust in your emotions and greive whenever you need to, for how ever long you need to, and whatever way you need to. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. And if you decide you would like to TTC again, then come join us in the TTC after loss thread. There is an amazing group of women in there that are extremely compassionate and supportive. They have helped me enormously and will welcome you with open arms

[DRV]

So glad to find a post about early miscarriages. From reading some other websites I had the impression that if it was before 20 weeks then it didn't really matter....
I have a similar story to others on here. Went for our first obstetricians appointment, expecting to be 10 weeks, but the ultrasound looked more like 6 weeks. Have been through the roller coaster of blood tests, ultrasound (confirming the pregnancy had failed), a D&C (sorry for using the lingo!), and just had my obstetrician check up.
Although during the unknown time I soldiered on at work (haven't told anyone we were expecting), and except for the day of the curette I seemed to be fine. But after some heavy bleeding yesterday, it has really hit me. My husband grieved last week, when he was confused by me being fine. Now it is sinking in, that I really was pregnant, and now I'm really not.
It sucks that we had waited patiently to tell people..... but now all our plans to tell people our excited news has gone. We have told close family and friends whom have been really supportive. Feels silly though to have to tell people that you have no news!!!

I thought (as someone else suggested on here), that being pregnant again by our due date, would be the best way to move on, but right now I feel like anything worse than being pregnant again. I really want to start a family, and I'm really sad that my husband won't be a dad yet.... but not sure I can think about getting on that possible rollercoaster again.

When I'm ready I will have to start reading the PAM blogs.

Thanks to others for sharing of an early loss..... that is still a painful and confusing loss.

[Little One]

I have also had a similar experience with 2 missed miscarriages. They are horrible. There's nothing worse than expecting to see your baby bouncing around on the ultrasound screen, and seeing a much smaller bubba who is no longer alive.
The last time this happened to me (missed M/C #2), we'd taken our 2 year old daughter in with us for the scan (12 wk scan), as we thought all would be fine as my 7 week scan had showed a heartbeat. When I started crying, she ran to me and kept asking 'Ok Mummy?' over and over, I'll never forget that. But it meant a lot to me that she was involved, and that she cared so much for me, even though she is so young and really had no idea what was going on. It hasn't scarred her in any way, she had no idea I was pregnant (even though I told her we were going to have a new bubba). It was also nice having someone to cuddle, when DH would be at work. I am soooo grateful for my beautiful little girl.
It also didn't help when my best friend found out she was pregnant two weeks later, followed by my sister a month later. I was very happy for them, but sad that I really should have a new baby before them, and that we would all have newborns together.
It has helped me in that with all of my pregnancies I have told a few people - my best friends, my parents, sister, girls at work (which helped when I needed time off). Now that people know what I've been through, a lot of them come to me for advice.
I'll never again take pregnancy for granted!
Best of luck if you do TTC. We are trying again this month, don't know if we should be, my mum tells me to let my body rest more, but feel I'm losing more and more time (would like 4 children).

[Turkish Delight]

Dear Anna,

i can understand and share your pain. I went through something similar only a few weeks back. I m/c earlier but only found out at an 7w dating scan. I was told my Zara passed away weeks ago. I too, was angry at my body. I had all the symptoms yet my baby had become an angel.
I'm sorry, i would love to write more but am fighting back the tears here at work. Nobody knew i m/c here at work too.
Just remember baby steps, day by day. Grieve for that little angel, it is only normal to do so.
Take care and a big hug and kiss.

[AnnaToo]

Hey, everyone. Thank you so much for sharing your stories with me and everyone else. It has been especially comforting hearing stories so similar to mine. As others have said, it makes me feel much less isolated and more understood/validated.
I've really been doing quite well lately. My appetite is finally back--guess I'll gain back the 7# I lost during all this! The thing that gets me quiet and teary is being around so much pregnancy--having to go to baby showers, babysit my friend's son while she goes to prenatal check-ups (the last of which she described as "boring"--I was obviously thinking she shouldn't take that for granted), and hearing updates on my in-laws pregnancy (that's the worst part since we were due at such similar times and now I have to hear about them telling the family etc--things I had been looking forward to doing).
Anyway, I just wanted to express my appreciation for your support and your stories.
Take care,
Anna