Many of you will be familiar with my long and convoluted history. The most recent epic is in a previous thread. I apologise in advance for this post which may become a lengthy rant, but I need to let it out somewhere.
Its now been 4 weeks since the loss of what should have been my ?miracle, twin babies?.
They survived (and thrived) through a massive bleed only to be suddenly and unexplainably taken a week later.
The past month has been a real struggle. I wanted these babies sooo desperately .
However, I thought I had at least come to the point of acceptance and had started to focus on what we were going to do next time. DH and I had almost come to the decision to proceed with IVF/PGD so at least we have some control over possible genetic issues.
I had also organized to fly to Sydney this Thursday to have NK cell test (only done in Sydney) and meet with the notorious DrS later that afternoon.
Amongst all this, I have continued to feel depressingly pregnant with very slow to fall HCG levels. I expressed some concern last week to my FS?s secretary/receptionist , whoever she is, when I rang for results and my HCG had barely halved in over a week. Plus I was still bleeding significantly. Despite a history of retained products in prior m/cs, I was told to just see what happened this week.
My inner voice told me to listen to my gut feeling that something was wrong. However, my exhausted self was just to tired to fight or argue anymore so I have just plodded along trying to ignore my body
Another small battle with the same office girl today when I rang for blood results and long awaited cytogenetics on my babies. She wouldn?t give me anything without talking to my FS (who was in surgery) first?. Agghhh. But still no energy to fight.
FS finally rang me tonight?.. at least one of our babies was a normal little boy. His twin was either another normal boy or results were just not obtained. My poor little boy who should have survived. He was normal but failed by my stupid body which didn?t keep him safe. I was trying to come to terms with this when that bonds ?easysuit? ad came on.
The one with ?twinkle little start? and the gorgeous baby boy?. I cant watch it?.. it breaks my heart to pieces.
To add to this, my HCG levels has actually gone UP this week from 930 to 1000ish!!!
I am not surprised given how my body is feeling but WTF!!!! Its been 4 WEEKS since my D&C.!! I can?t even have a ?normal? miscarriage!! I now have to face more scans, possibly another D&C (and the risks to my future fertility that comes with it), more antibiotics, etc etc, on and on and on. This pregnancy was ?over? 4 weeks ago but is likely to go on for at least another 4-6 weeks. I am just tired of all this. I just want it over so I can move on and try again. TTC again is truly going to be the only thing that will help me feel better.
Oh, and to top all this off. In talking with my FS, we talked about DrS and I mentioned I was going to Syndey on Thurs. ?uh oh?.. she cries. Concerned about the validity of the NK test given I have high HCG levels. I have NON_REFUNDABLE plane tickets. NO one mentioned anything about waiting until HCG levels 0 and I definitely discussed how recent my last m/c was. My FS is going to ring DrS tomorrow and I have emailed him so praying we can at least get some useable result and the trip can proceed.
I am so sorry if I sound like a total whinger but I am just so, so, tired of my reproductive ?issues?. Fighting and battling then losing over and over. If there is a small risk of something going wrong, then I seem to get the short end of the stick. I just need something to go right or even vaguely ?normal? for once.
And, at the crux of it all?. My poor, poor angel boy and his brother/sister. I am so, so sorry I failed you both. You should have got to meet your big brother. I am sorry I couldn?t keep you safe.
There is nothing I can say that is going to make this better but I can send you &
You have been through so much these last 4 weeks it must seem like nothing is going right for you at the moment. You are not whinging you are expressing how you feel which is a really good thing. I think it is normal to be upset at those damn TV ads that make other people's life seem so perfect.
You have done NOTHING to feel guilty about. You have not failed. You are not god, you did everything you could for your babies, and they could not stay despite that. Sometimes it is frightening to see how little control we have, but guilt over this is a fallacy. You had no more control than your babies did. Please don't make yourself suffer even more over something you COULD NOT have prevented.
Meredith I'm so sorry to read that the problems are continuing.
I have to second what Bec has said - you should not feel guilty over this! You have done everything within your power to keep your babies safe and they still could not stay... but it's nothing you have done to make them go. There's a whole range of emotions to feel at this point, but guilt is not one of them.
I really hope you get some answers soon... especially answers as to why your HCG levels aren't cooperating at the moment.
Secondly - you did not fail your babies, nor did you fail to keep them safe. If you did, then so did I (and let me tell you - I have had this thought many times lately) There is a reason that we just don't know the answer to yet. But you will. And you will get the answers you need.
The failure of the BHCG to fall is an issue your FS should have been following more closely due to your very relevant history of retained products. Having said that, for some women it is only during pregnancy their NK (and some other blood results) are abnormal so it may have some positives when meeting with Dr S. I wish I was able to meet you on Thursday and give you a real hug but if you need anything give me a call.
You said a couple of times in your post about how you failed your babies. I know you feel that it was your fault, but it wasn't. You gave your babies all of your love, and concern, and you nurtured them while you could - no baby could ask for more.
You need to stop blaming yourself about it - there was nothing you could have done differently. Your DH and DS need you now, and you can help each other get through this horrible time. If you take nothing else from this post, please remember that it was not your fault. You did not fail your babies.
Don't forget how many beautiful women here on BB want to help you, and feel free to PM me any time.
things just keep getting worse..
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I'm so sorry Meredith. I hope that things resolve with peace and speed for you soon, and that you can get some answers that give you hope.
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