thread: The world wasn't ready for my bub

  1. #1
    Registered User

    Mar 2009

    The world wasn't ready for my bub

    The following contains the story covering five days of my pregnancy, in which I found out I had miscarried, and then had the ?material? surgically removed. This story is quite long and contains ?way too much information?. Please be warned that it may be distressing for some readers, but that I wanted to publish it for those who may be going through a similar experience, or want to know what is involved with such a process.

    Friday 7th March 2009, I was healthy progressing at 12 weeks and 4 days, and having passed the 12 week mark, was starting to believe that I really was pregnant, and had just begun to look through the baby sections of department store advertising, and point out the cute clothing and cot designs to my husband. I was even trying to convince him that we shouldn?t wait until four or five months to start looking in baby stores, as we had previously decided.

    I woke up to go to the toilet in the early hours of Saturday morning to discover I was bleeding! My brain was in overdrive thinking about all the possibilities for the rest of the night, and I didn?t sleep any more that night.

    The bleeding continued all Saturday and Sunday, like a period bleed. I knew bleeding did not necessarily mean miscarriage, but there probably was a decent chance. Over the weekend I also felt I was becoming disconnecting from my belly. When I rubbed my stomach I just felt ?why am I rubbing my stomach?? I wasn?t sure if this was my body really telling me something, or if it was just my brain preparing me for it the news was bad. Being a weekend I couldn?t get hold of my doctor, so I phoned the general medial advice service, and was told to see my doctor on Monday, but if the bleeding got very heavy, or if I got stomach cramps or back pain to go straight to the hospital emergency department. There was nothing to confirm that I had or hadn?t miscarried.

    I was continuing to bleed on Monday, getting heavier and bright red blood. After only being at work an hour on Monday morning, I visited my doctor, who sent me off for a blood test to check my hormone levels and then for an ultrasound, and then back to see her before the end of the day. After telling my boss I would only be gone for an hour, I didn?t make it back to the office.

    For my ultrasound I was scanned from the outside (my belly). My uterus was angled backwards and they couldn?t see much so they also had to scan from the inside. The sonographers had some of the best poker faces I have seen, and I couldn?t pick up anything from their faces. At the end of the ultrasound they informed me that the foetus was only 6-7 weeks size (from gestation) and they couldn?t find a heart beat.

    I had had a ?missed miscarriage?, meaning I had miscarried, but my body had taken four to five weeks to realise. Back at the doctors, my doctor explained my choices to me:
    • I could wait for the material to come out in its own time - this could take up to a couple of weeks, and I would be likely to continue to bleed for this whole time. Waiting for the material to clear out itself also has a higher infection risk
    • I could have a D&C to have all the material removed from my uterus. The bleeding would stop almost straight after the D&C, but this had the added risk of having to undergo a general anaesthetic. A D&C is classed as an emergency operation, and so to book in I just had to head to the emergency department of the hospital.

    In a way it was a strange relief to know I had miscarried. Over the weekend I had lost my connection to my belly, and hadn?t felt pregnant. I was getting worried that if I was still pregnant, would I be able to reconnect with my belly? The thought of all the complications, extra processes and stresses of bleeding during the pregnancy also didn?t sound desirable.

    My husband came home early from work, and we decided the D&C was the better option for us. I wanted to get it all over with, and the thought of having to continue bleeding for a couple of weeks, being reminded I had miscarried, as well as passing all the material, did not sound inviting. We also decided we want to get pregnant again as soon as possible, and if I had D&C, we could start trying again within a couple of weeks.

    We arrived at the hospital emergency department at about 4:30 Monday afternoon, and it didn?t take too long to be given a bed and dressed in sexy hospital robes. I was then visited by numerous doctors and nurses, and put on a drip (I think a drip was standard to lower my maintenance requirements), and then settled back to wait for the gynaecologist to visit. By 11:30pm he still hadn?t made it down to visit (caesarean sections take precedence!), but we then got the message that he had booked me in for a D&C the next morning. We got out of the emergency department at about midnight.

    My sister has recently finished her nursing degree, and has been working in a hospital for about 2 months now. Sitting watching the organised chaos (or was that unorganised chaos), I was picturing this as being her workplace. (although she works in a different hospital in a different State). I was seen simultaneously by two different nurses and two different doctors, who appeared, said they would find something out, and then disappeared for half an hour to and hour; we didn?t know how much communication was occurring between them, I wondered how my sister, or these doctors and nurses could stay sane (my sister later commented that they don?t). She doesn?t work in the emergency department, but it didn?t appear overly busy in emergency that night, and I imagine all wards in hospitals to be similar.

    I returned to the hospital at 7:00 the next morning (Tuesday) for my D&C, to wait in the reception for about 1 ? hours. Luckily I had brought a book with me to entertain the time and keep my mind off what was about to happen. The gynaecologist who hadn?t been able to see my the night before came down at about 7:30 to apologise for not getting around to me the night before, and to give me a rundown on the procedures and to sign some permission forms. He was very obviously at the end of his shift (at least I hope he was at the end of his shift) as he was talking and moving in that very fatigued way, and from what we could gather at emergency the night before, had started his shift a good number of hours before midnight - I wouldn?t have wanted to have a caesarean or any other operation under his hand at 6 or 6:30 that morning!. Another lady arrived also for a D&C, she appeared to be in quite a bit of pain, and was quickly whisked away while I sat and waited.

    D&C stands for Dilation and Curette. The operation involves the scraping out of the uterus (or vacuuming out under the procedure I was undergoing). It is all conducted via the virginal opening, so no incisions etc are required. The operation takes place under a general anaesthetic, and the operation only takes about 20 minutes all up. For those who want to know, I also had the fluid drained from my bladder, and had a pipe down my lungs to help breath during the operation (or so I was told, not that I knew any of this being under a general at the time).

    At a bit after 9:00am I was taken into the pre-operative waiting area, and had to change out of all my own clothing into the hospital outfit (including hospital underwear!), and put all my belongings away into a bag for collection after the operation. Fortunately I was allowed to keep my book! I was then given some medication to loosen up my cervix to make the D&C easier for the gynaecologist with less chance of damage to the uterus lining. I was told that in some people the medication induces stomach cramps, and occasionally nausea, and to let them know if I felt unwell. Normally these feelings appear within about fifteen minutes. I the returned to the pre-operative waiting area to wait on a recliner chair for two hours for the medication to take effect, and however much longer was needed for me to get to the front of the emergency queue.

    About an hour later I suddenly got very intense stomach cramps, as if my inners where trying to rip themselves out of me. I was put into a bed, but this did not stop the pain. It took about 20 minutes for the anaesthetist to come and see me (any drugs I was to take had to be prescribed by the anaesthetist to make sure they would not interfere with the general anaesthetic I was going to have). During this time my blood pressure dropped down to 88, and I became nauseous. I was given some narcotic based painkillers, anti-nausea medication and put on a drip, and after a while I became better and drifted off into a happy slumber. Due to my condition I was bumped up the queue, and at about 11:30 I was taken into the pre-theatre room. The anaesthetist and gynaecologist (a different one to the one who had seen me first thing in the morning) were half way through their pre-operative testing and paperwork when I was informed that an emergency C-section was required and had taken precedence over me, and I was to be returned to the waiting room. That is one problem I discovered with D&C, because it is not life threatening or time restrained, they are continually pushed back by C-sections and similar, and the nurses struggle to hold our position on the waiting list. C-sections may be more time restricted, but it isn?t nice to be waiting for your own operation and then to be told you will have to wait an extra hour or two because someone has been pushed in front of you.

    Because I had stabilised in my morphine-induced sleepy happiness, the other lady there for a D&C, and who was still in pain, with her painkillers not having the same effect as mine, was placed in front of me in the queue (there was only going to be 30 minutes between our operations anyway, and she was in need of it more than me, plus I had already been at the hospital five hours this morning, so this didn?t bother me).

    By about 12:30 my painkillers were wearing off. The next dose of painkillers didn?t work its magic like the first lot. The surgery assistants then appeared to take one of us into the theatre room, and to my (and the nurses) surprise, collected me rather than the other lady. The surgery list keeper had changed his mind again! I was taken into the theatre at about 1:30, still in quite a bit of pain. After what felt like eternity the anaesthetist came into the room. The next thing I remember was waking up in the post-operative room. The general anaesthetic had a backwards working effect, such that I didn?t even remember being given it. I had to wait in the post-operative room for about ? an hour, and was then transferred into a secondary post-operative room for another 1 ? hours. When I woke up in the post-operative room, I was told my husband was already waiting for me outside - but I wouldn?t be able to see him until I was let out of the secondary waiting room. It wasn?t nice to know that he would be waiting out there for almost two hours, while I was waiting in here not allowed to see him. I later found out he went for a walk to some nearby shops for to fill the two hours, and wasn?t just sitting waiting for me!

    When I got to the secondary post-operative room I was able to get changed back into my own clothing. Somewhere along the way I had lost my book, and had assumed it was gone forever never to be seen again, but when I opened my clothing bag my book was sitting in it - the nurses must have found it somewhere and returned it to me. I was then given some water to drink and ?dodgy sandwiches? (the nurse?s name for them - a slice of brown bread, a piece of ham and then a slice of white bread) not the best but good enough seeing it was the first thing I had eaten since dinnertime the night before.

    I finally left the hospital at about 4:30pm, with the instructions that I had to be under the supervision of a ?responsible adult? for the next 24 hours, and was not supposed to do anything during that time. My husband questioned why I had been let out with him when they required a responsible adult?but anyway?

    My husband and I both had the following day off work, with some plans to get to one or two places that required us to be in the same place during business hours (very rare for us), but being up and away from home for about ? an hour after lunch was about all I could handle, and we came home and both had a 2 hour nap! Other than feeling tired and having a sore neck (not sure why), I had no complications, complaints or pain. I wouldn?t hesitate to recommend a D&C to others who think they might want one.

    The most annoying thing for me (I would say painful, but my emotions are so numb at the moment I am not feeling any pain) is why my body didn?t let me know earlier. When I was sharing the joyous news of being pregnant with my parents, sister, best friend and inlaws, my bub was already gone. Why couldn?t I have known earlier, and been able to spare them the pain as well!. My mum has been clucky for the last two or three years, and has been so excited about this pregnancy that she was already purchasing clothing for the bub. She is currently 1 ? weeks into a five week overseas trip. She is expecting to hear from me with ultrasound images, so I am going to have to contact her and ruin her holiday. That is almost the worst thing for me at the moment?

    I am sure the above reads quite clinical, but my whole feelings over the last few day have been very detached. I think it may partly be because I believe I will be pregnant again within the next two months, and have only lost a couple of months on our timeframe. With this pregnancy we hadn?t been actively planning to get pregnant, just seeing whether it would happen. Now that we are in the frame of mind of being pregnant/having a baby, I just want to be pregnant again. If I don?t fall pregnant again within the next two months, I think I might start to feel a bit more grief.

  2. #2
    Registered User

    Sep 2008
    South West Sydney, NSW

    Liv, I really am at a loss for words... but I couldn't not leave some sort of message of support for you.

    I send you virtual hugs

  3. #3
    Registered User

    Sep 2008

    Liv, I am very sorry that this happened to you and your husband

  4. #4
    Registered User

    Feb 2008

    I am really greatful for your story and think you have done a wonderful job getting your experiences across. I understand the clinical nature of your story and think it is quite a powerful statement never-the-less. It makes it a bit easier to read as I am sure it also made it a bit easier to write and a bit easier to experience. I have not been through a miscarriage but i have a primal sort of fear in the pit of my stomach when I think about it as I am sure most women do. I think your story is really helpful to take the secretive shroud of mystery off the 'goings on' and it certainly helps me get a glimpse of what friends have gone through. Thank you.

    I am of course very sad to hear that you did have to go through this. Losing a baby at any time must be terrible, definitely not fair when you have really begun to bond with your little one. If you are upset for having told family and friends, at least having them know shares the emotions and grief around a little bit, meaning that they are there to support you. The way I think about it is that even though your little one was not with you for long, there was already a huge amount of love for them and that love is now there for you and your DH as you work through your experience, grieve and rebuild to try again. I imagine it is not easy to know that others are sad also but at least you are not suffering alone with those close to you confused as to why you are upset.

    In regards to your mother, I bet she will wish she was here with you to hold your hand at this challenging time. I would tell my mum that she should stay in the moment on that holiday there is nothing she can do now but to save all of that maternal energy she has for when she returns so she can support you as you try again and through the early days of your next pregnancy. All of the little things she is picking up for your baby will still be for your baby, the one who is yet to come. I hope that makes sense and is not offensive. I send you lots of love and positive spirit.

  5. #5
    Registered User

    Jul 2004

    Im sorry for your loss

    Sending you lots of strength right now.

  6. #6
    BellyBelly Member

    Jan 2005

    Liv, i am so sorry for your loss

  7. #7
    Registered User

    Oct 2006
    Sydney NSW

    I am sorry for your loss, I hope your forever bub comes along really quickly. I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks which was later thought to be a blighted ovum, I found that really hard as some people seem to feel that because it never would have been a baby I should not feel loss but I did very much so. I understand from that the cheated feeling of thinking you were pg when you weren't carrying a growing baby.

  8. #8
    Registered User

    Jan 2008
    In a land of bubbles and trouble

    Oh huney - take the time you need to grieve.

    I lost a baby around the same time as you ie found out bubs was an angel - and like you - passing 12 week mark was wonderful, and then so devastating. When I was waiting for my D&C I was my normal self in waiting room, talking to staff and doc/anaethetist etc like all was fine - I held so strong - yet when I came out of the anaesthetic - man I just started bawling - nurses were rushing over to me asking where my pain was - it was all in my heart.

    They were great in that a lady just came out of a caesarian and woke up next to me, so they moved me straight away - something I will be forever grateful for.

    I wish you blessings and healthy baby vibes on your journey. xxx

  9. #9
    Registered User

    Oct 2006

    I'm sorry, Liv. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I hope it helps you to come to terms with all that has happened in some way.

  10. #10
    Registered User

    May 2007

    awww liv...
    I'm so sorry for your loss.
    I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
    Life isn't fair....

    sending you all my love xxx

  11. #11
    2014 BellyBelly RAK Recipient.

    Dec 2008
    Melbourne, VIC

    I'm so sorry for your loss Liv, big hugs for you hun . Although I haven't had a missed m/c, I can imagime how terrible that must be to know that your baby had died weeks earlier. Please take your time to grieve, and don't be too hard on yourself and your body. Our bodies are amazing, but mother nature can be so very cruel sometimes.
    Big hugs
    Beata xxx