Oh honey, huge hugs to you. I know those feelings as do all of us on here.
I have learnt not to fight the dinner thing, sounds slack but it works for my stress levels, DS ate a bowl of cooked rice last night, 6 Mcnuggets and fries the night before- not going to win me any mother of the year awards but hey we were both still happy afterwards. I have also learnt to pick up on signs at social events and leave early if need be, I also pick my events- if I feel it will be too much for him or there are children there who I know will push his buttons until he snaps we don't go simple as that. Christy and I have had some awesome times together because we said with each other we just don't care what our kids do and lo and behold they were angels!!
Haven't got time to type more but will be back. The main thing to remember is :
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!