How do you parent a child with anxiety? (long)

[2CheekyMonkeys]

i agree, sounds like you may need to seek some outside help. Gp first off to get a referral elsewhere. at the very least a professional will be able to give you some ideas on how to handle specific situations, create short and long term plans and give you some support.

good on you for being such a great mummy, it sounds like you are doing everything right but you just need someone to give you some further ideas and suggestons.

[MamaPan]

i dont have any advice but read the whoel post and wanted to say what a wonderful and caring mum you are. best of luck... xxx

[mrsmac]

I read the whole post and i really feel for you. I don't think your parenting has affected his behaviours, all children are different even those with the same parents.

I don't know where you are but Maquarie Uni in sydney runs special clinics and groups for anxious children, I have had a boy in my class go and it really helped.
I would try to contact a university near you for advice. I have a friend who works at maquarie in that area I can ask her if there are similar things in other states if you like??

[BellyBelly]

I can't write much now, a friend is over, but my daughter has selective mutism, it was diagnosed when she was 3 and it's like she's been that way since birth. She was very high need/clingy/maintainance. It is an anxiety and it is very hard to deal with it as a parent. There is a book called 'Nurturing the Shy Child,' which is apparently a great book. I have bought it but not read it, as I read other books specific to selective mutism, but all were recommendations from the selective mutism org website. I definitely recommend finding a GOOD clinical child psych to help you through. Its good for you as well as the child.

I wrote an article about SM and my journey - which was very tough. My mother thinks I caused her SM. It hurt at the time but I know better and my psychologist reassured me too. My son doesn't have it and I parented him the same way. We all have a tendency to have certain traits and characteristics, anxiety is one of them and runs through my family.... my grandmother, me, and I think more than they realise...

Selective Mutism: When There's More To It Than 'Being Shy'

[fionas]

I think you're being so patient and really doing a fabulous job. Please, please, please don't beat yourself up about this.

I can be a very anxious person myself and I know it must be very distressing to see these traits in your boy because anxiety is a terrible thing. But I agree with the others that I really don't think it's your parenting.

After having DD, I really think they, to a large extent, come out with whatever personality they're meant to have. I barely got out of the house for the first 18 months after DD was born and she really wasn't around many people/other babies and yet, she's very outgoing. My sister and I are like chalk and cheese yet we were parented by the same parents in exactly the same way.

And please don't feel guilty about the separation following the birth. I barely held my daughter for the first two hours after she was born and I really don't see any signs that it has affected her in any way.

I think you've done all you can for the moment and it's time, as the others have said, to seek some more professional help.

As you probably know yourself, when it comes to seeking help it's not really a science. You'll get good advice and bad advice so go with your gut as to what suits your boy the most.

I wish you all the very best and am in total awe of how patiently and gracefully you've handled the situation so far. It seems to me that you've turned out to be a pretty good person and even if your son does have anxiety issues, if he's also inherited your goodness then the world and the people in it will be a better place for having him around.

[maz]

I really have no advice but have read your post and wanted to offer you are a wonderful mother and dont forget that. It is very easy to judge and blame ourselves when something isnt the norm with our children.

THe girls have offered you fantastic advice...and I think I might even get the book that Kelly suggested for my eldest.

again

hon

[Lolli]

Tan, hun, I don't have any advice, but I did real the whole thing i wanted to let you know I am here, listening. As you know, i've suffered anxiety on and off for most of my life,and my ds seems to be turning out to be a bit of a stressed, highly strung kind of kid (I could have written the paragraph about the shoes), so i empathise. A huge

[skeetaboat]

well done asking for help.

it's hard when you recognise traits from yourself that you wouldn't wish your child to have. I recently went through something similar (noticed my DS was socially withdrawn, and this is something I do myself). Noticing this in my DS pushed me to address the issues within myself that caused me to isolate myself, be withdrawn, be disengaged and push people away. The process has forced me to work on my "issews", be more mindful, live in the present, and reach out to my loved ones and people around me. Since I did this, about six months ago, I've been much happier. Funnily enough, DS has come out of his shell socially, is no longer withdrawn, and his personality is now really blossoming. Even his day-carer has asked what has happened because he was the shyest boy in her group and is now the most outgoing and boisterous!? Maybe some of that was timing and he would have developed socially anyway, but what I want to share is that I think modelling and environment both have a great deal of influence over which inborn traits are magnified and which are minimised. Of course temperament is a huge factor in anxious traits, but I don't think it's unreasonable to think that some of his anxious thoughts could have been learned ... and therefore can be unlearned! Which is great news! Your DS's fate is not sealed and you have taken the first important step. ETA - reading over that it sounds like I'm blaming you for your DS anxieties, so I just want to clarify that I don't think his anxieties are your fault at all - you have clearly done a great job and are a very dedicated mum!

Anxiety doesn't have to be a life sentence and there are fantastic strategies that a professional can teach you and him to prevent fears (thoughts) from ruling his mind and his behaviour. We can choose to listen to anxious and worring thoughts or we can choose not to. It takes a lot of time and effort to choose not to listen if you always have, but the great news is that he only new to all this and his thoughts and behaviour can be changed a lot more easily than an adult who has been living with anxiety for 2 or 3 decades.

What might have helped you reduce your anxieties as a youngster? What did you need your mum to do for you that she didn't? Perhaps you could spend some time thinking about that as it will probably help guide you in parenting your DS.

It sounds like your anxieties have been quite crippling since you became pregnant with him. I think another thing that will really help him, is for you to get some intensive help. What more powerful way to show him that anxiety does not have to rule his life than to live free of anxiety yourself?

I think the most important thing to remember is to have HOPE. It can and will get better - especially given that you're such a thoughtful mummy who is concerned about this issue and not afraid to ask for help. He will eventually learn to separate from you. He will eventually be less clingy, cope better with change, be able to go to school (I do think it is a good idea to hold him back if he isn't ready. Social and emotional readiness for school is more important than just intellectual readiness).

PS, I also wanted to say that my DS, who isn't an anxious child, also does some of the things you've listed: he demands I (or his dad) do activities with him, resists playing/doing things by himself; wants us to be with him until he falls asleep; hates mess, eg spilt milk when he's eating breakfast, that kind of thing; he also takes a while to warm up to strangers and until recently felt too shy to say hello or goodbye to people. Just saying that to let you know some of those behaviours aren't uncommon, they're developmental and to some degree, also temperamental in that some kids don't 'grow out of' these behaviours as quickly or easily as others.

[Matryoshka]

........

[BellyBelly]

A clinical child psychologist... I would also HIGHLY recommend doing the PET course or at least reading the book. Its been brilliant - for the first time my daughter is being really open about her feelings and even thanks me for asking her about her day cos she really wanted to talk about it! My jaw hit the floor LOL Its been brilliant.

[kelebek]

I can see why you want to 'blame' something. I do agree with PP that your DS would be much worse if you weren't so gentle.

DS was born via emergency c/section and due to breathing problems was in a humidicrib for 12 hrs... I got to hold his hand for about an hour (cause it was midnight) but didn't cuddle or feed him until he was over 12 hrs old. I am still bf and while DS starts off the night in his own bed we co-sleep from the first wakeup and feed a few times overnight still. So while I wouldn't say I parent exactly the same as you did for L I do feel it is similar to how you parent. DS is a very social and independant child (we don't go to playgroup and he has never been in childcare) I think his personality has as much to do with it as my parenting.

No words of wisdom on how to guide your sensitive boy but hope the options already suggested help.