Advice that makes you feel guilty or inadequate....

[Peach]

* My baby is not sleeping through the night yet (4 months) and family member has told me to give her a comp feed or put her on solids because her baby was on solids from 6 weeks and slept through the night. I know this is her way of helping me, but it makes me feel frustrated because I really do know what is best for my child.

* I was constantly with my baby, I picked her up when she cried and rocked her off to sleep. I co-slept with her and sat for hours on the lounge with her in my arms. When I put her down ..... she cried! When I picked her up ... she stopped! EVERYONE was telling me I was making a rod for my own back and spoiling her. DH was very anti her crying and would support me in comforting her when she needed it. However last week we had a chat and we starting questioning if we were doing the right thing..... so this week I have let her cry to sleep (often with me crying in the other room), not picked her up when she cries, and tried to let her be on the fllor playing as much as possible. This evening I was reading some Belly Belly articles on controlled crying and am quite upset I nearly let "society" persuade me to go against my instincts I have actually printed them out and will be giving them to anyone who questions my parenting techniques.

Long post I know! Sorry!


Jen

[christy]

*hugs* Jen its so hard sometimes isn't?

I have often told the "rod" people that its my back thanks very much.

[MantaRay]

All I wanted was someone to say - I am here to support you in whatever you choose to do. How can I help??

Well said Michelle, I couldn't agree more. Hopefully we'll remember this when we are supporting our DD/DILs through new motherhood!

Jen, hugs sweetie. Don't worry, we've all been there. I think sometimes you have to try things to know that they aren't right for you IYKWIM? I hope you feel better soon.

[RhiChiChi]

These posts make me feel so sad, some people are horrible.
Thinking back to when I was in hospital trying to BF and having a hard time, I had fed my DD for over an hour, then put her down to sleep at about 2am, with her waking within 20 mins. I tried settling her to no avail and buzzed the midwife who told me that DD was hungry. I could have slapped her, asking how could she be hungry if I just fed her for over an hour, she took her to the nursery and settled her for a couple of hours. If dd was hungry, why would she settle? Makes me upset to this day and probably one of the many reasons I stopped bf.

[Brandon's Mummy]

Hi Girls, I am new here and this thread caught my attention. It is so horrible what you girls have been going through. What ever happened to supporting our sisters. I remember my MCHN telling me that women are so hard on themselves. We continually berate ourselves for what we believe should be the perfect mother. Sure there are terrible mothers out there, but we are doing the best we can in a society that expects us to have it all!! My MIL used harp on and on about breastfeeding and that she had a lot of issues breastfeeding my husband so that must be why my son is crying so much..... HUH!?!?!?! How on earth she came up with that conclusion, I don't know. It turned out the bubs had awful reflux and once we elevated the cot he was fine. But if I had taken her advise I would have stopped breastfeeding, which is not what I wanted to do.

I just don't get why the people that claim to care about us and even the total strangers can be so judgemental. It is so depressing that our mothers, sisters, grandmothers, aunts, neighbours, girlfriends etc, feel the need to make us feel like complete s**t. My personal favourite is when you get advice from people who don't even have children!!! What's going on here? What they read a book about parenting and then suddenly they're an expert... The way I have learnt to deal with these people is let them yap on as much as they want and then do what I feel is right for my bub.

[Feathertop]

Like Michelle, I found that many comments from the MCHN felt like a personal affront even if they weren't meant that way. My little boy had swollen breasts for a few weeks after birth due to my hormones, which I'd read about and been told was normal, so I didn't pay much attention. When the MCHN came to visit, she felt them and said "haven't you noticed he has mastitis these must be very painful" - and then questioned me about whether they were getting larger or not. As I thought that was normal, I hadn't noticed, and felt guilty for not paying close enough attention.

Another one that made me feel inadequate was the way some midwives asked about why I had an emergency C section. Phrases like "so what went wrong then?" and "why couldn't you give birth naturally?" made me feel like a bit of a failure for having to have a c section (which I know now was absolutely needed). It would have been better to say "tell me your birth story" rather than sounding judgemental.

My little boy had some problems with weight gain and I felt sooo bad about that - after all, how would I know? My GP was fantastic during this time, reassuring me that he was happy and didn't look at risk of anything happening, and just to try a few techniques to get more food into him. As a result of the pressure from the MCHN and the guilt I'm still paranoid about his weight and try to stuff him extra full - now he sometimes cries when I try to stuff him again!

[Nadine216]

I want to add to Feathertop's issue of not paying closer attention. I found that many, many moms would ask me stuff that I had no idea I was suppose to look our for. Like exactly how many wee's she does, how many minutes it take me to get her to sleep, exactly how long does she sleep, how many times does she wake, when does she cry and why - that kind of stuff that I thought was sort of not nessesary to know. I mean it took heaps of time to get her to sleep, but if I knew the exact minutes, I think I would have gone bonkers. And about crying, I could not tell the difference. I am honest to admit that I did not know why she was crying, sometimes I still don't. And mothers telling me they know exactly why their bubs are crying, get me thinking I must be not giving enough attention.

Also now, ppl asking me the dates and times of her firsts. Like when was the first time she slept through? I don't know - I was to elated to remember a date!! And when was the first time she ate solids or the first time she laughed. I know that may seem dumb that I don't remember, but I can't pinpoint one day, she smiled but then we were not sure if it really was a smile, or just wind, and when she started lauging (I can remember why she did, but not when) we were just so happy to hear her little giggle that I did not spoil the moment to go write it down! Ppl telling me exactly the date and time of their bubs first's gets me feeling a bit inadequate for not paying more attention (like Feathertop said)

[fionas]

Still deciding what was the worst advice - midwives in hospital telling me I had to supplement with formula because my 8lb 10oz baby had lost marginally more than 10% of her birthweight (even though my milk hadn't even come in) or scaremongers who told me that if a drop of formula passed her lips she would never go back to breast. After six weeks of not even offering her the breast because of nightmare experience with breastfeeding in hospital, I popped her on the breast this arvo and she took to it for 10 mins first time no probs whatsoever. Not sure she was actually feeding properly but she was having a good old suckle and certainly not getting antsy because she was having nipple rather than bottle teat. Go figure. Experts schmexperts.

[olliesmum0206]

i have a four month son and am sooooo sick of people telling me what to do.Everbody feels the need to tell you what to do. my mother is the worst- she is constantly telling me what to do and that my way is wrong. even people who don't have children must tell you what to do. I am bad mother because she thinks i over dress him, iam a bad mother because i choose to bath oliver once a day in the afternoon as part of his bedtime routine.. and if he cries he must be hungry even though he has just had feed. Not once has my own mother offered any encouragement or told me i'm a good mother. this advice makes me feel like a complete failure as a mother. yes i am a first time mother, no i don't know everything...but i do know what my son wants and needs and just because i am a first time mother does not mean i am a complete idiot!!! A little bit of encouragement goes along way !

[aussienic]

Lucky you will get lots of encoouragement on here..

Sometimes people don't know when you close thier mouth's

[beckles]

We chose a very small independant secondary school for our eldest, it basically doesn't micro manage kids, they are taught to be responsibe for their own actions, respect and communication. the one rule is you can't interfere with the learning of others. we often got comments about it such as oh well when it doesn't work out you can always move him. so frustrating

[Rahjah]

I feel sad reading this thread too - it's really important to surround ourselves with positive, caring, encouraging women I've realised to help us deal with the crap other negative, "all knowing" women dish out. I hope to God I have never judged mums as I have been judged.

My MIL is really the worst offender,and most of my stories are about her. I never EVER had anyone tell me to give up BF and it still shocks me when I hear that ppl do that...especially to a new mum who it is working for.

But all the criticism seems to come from the critiquer's own issues by the sound of it. My MIL has always told me to let DS cry, that I cuddle him too much, "wear" (in the ergo) him too much, tend to him too much, feed him too much, - everything points to me not being a "good enough" mum in her opinion. Her latest pearl was that I am stopping my DS from crawling. WT? She has also offered great wisdom in telling me to have a glass of wine before BF, to put him to sleep...and to upend the foot of his mattress (when he was in a cot) so his mucous runs to his throat and he coughs it up. Whatever...I didn't want him to choke so we elevated his head instead...

All this stuff. IMO - we are the mums. We know our babies. Seek wise advice from people you trust and to anyone else, ACT confident (even if you're not) and don't even enter into a space where they feel that you need "helping". That's what I've found. For goodness sake, I'm the best mum for my son. Support me, don't crush me.

xx

[Kazbah]

Pity I didn't see this last year!

I think one of the stick-out-moments for me was when I was expressing my concerns about possible PND and the MCHN said "don't forget, his best toy is your smile" ARGHHHHHH I couldn't smile!

Another one was when I was trying to b/f in hossie and the midwife stuck the pump on me ... all that came out was blood and they said that's quite normal

[olliesmum0206]

why can't people be supportive not destructive? I have felt very inadequate at times due to unwanted advice and at times i've felt like i have been hitting my head against a Mothers need to be supported not judged or criticised. We have the most difficult job in the world, but it is also the best. Remember mums we are doing great jobs raising our babies and no one can take that away from us. we know our babies best not anyone else.even a first time mum instinctly know what her baby wants, it may take us awhile sometimes but we always figure it out. Encouragement and support from the people we love goes along long long way.

[Curly]

We had some people over at our place for a Christmas get together. DS was about 6 or 7 weeks old. One couple had 2 boys, the other couple had 3 kids.

Tried to put DS down for his nap (we were rocking off to sleep) but he wouldn't sleep. This pattern had been starting to emerge and I hadn't yet figured out that my diet was affecting my breastmilk. So I brought him back downstairs saying that he wouldn't settle, he knew something different was going on, and I was told by these experienced parents that I should just leave him up there to cry...he had to learn. DH then said triumphantly "I've been TELLING her to do that but she won't listen to him cry! See, I told you!" One of them said "yes it's hard, but you have to do it."

So I said okay and went upstairs, put DS in his cot and left. Of course he started crying. I came back downstairs and was told I was doing the right thing. I could still hear him crying and I went to go back upstairs to check on him. I was told "no, he has to learn" but I went up anyway and stood outside his door, I didn't know what to do. DH followed me up and made me come back downstairs.

Another couple of minutes went by and I just burst into hysterical tears and started saying frantically "I can't do it! I can't do it!" I felt so weak and felt like they were all judging me. Tears flooding down my face I rushed off and got DS and promised him I would never do that again. One of the girls was really nice then and comforted me and said that this is what she had done but that with mothering I had to do what was in my heart and if I didn't want to that was okay. She said that they were worried that they had said too much.

It ruined the entire day and I still get tears in my eyes thinking about how inadequate I felt and that I was ganged up on by everyone, including DH, for the way I was doing things. I could tell that they thought I was weak for "giving in" to DS.

Of course I listened to them, they had 5 kids between them and I had only been a mum for about 6 weeks. I was exhausted and desperate for some rest and me-time, and having 5 people tell me what I was doing was wrong...what chance did I have of knowing to stand my ground at that point?

[myson]

I have to add my bit here.

My MIL was a typical italian mumma. a little interfereing and blunt but it came from her heart, not her ego. EVERYTIME she would first see dd1 she would feel her hands and say "she too cold, needa more blanket" and i would put on an extra layer. dutiful DIL that i am... i knew a bubs hands were no indication of overall temp, but i did it anyway.

one day i saw her coming up the driveway, grabbed an extra blanket, covered dd and tucked her little hands in. MIL came in says hi goes to dd pulls out her hands and feels them, "no no, she too hot, justa take off this a one blanket so you no make her sick"...

So, i did. there were times i felt like maybe i wasnt living up to her standrds of what a mum should be...but now with hindsight and some more maturity i know differently ....but i dont see this as a sad story. I dearly loved my MIL and now she has passed away. her comments were always motivated by love and concern. her theories were old fashioned and some were blatantly wrong. but i didnt want her to feel excluded or looked down on for her opinions. i look back on it now and have a little giggle, cos thats just the way she was.

ON THE OTHER HAND..... i have others give me advice, like "oh well, shes probably better off on the bottle anyway, you should give up on the bf altogether" and to some of those i have said "whatever" or "mind your business"

i think for me at least, it depends on where the advice is coming from and what is the motivation for that advice, and how you feel about the person giving it.

what was the question again?????

[Cassius2]

Man there are so many replies to this thread! so telling...

well, my first came from one of the lactation consultants at my hospy when DD was 2 days old. she walked in as i was rocking my gorgeous bub to sleep. she was a bit grizzly but i wasnt concerned as hey, it was a big wide world that she was in and i would be a bit upset too if i left the comfort of the home she had been calling for the last 8.5 months.
so anyway, she comes in and asks me what i was doing. i said, i just fed her and am putting her down (it didnt even occur to me that i should question this instinct and connection that i had with my baby...wish i had of been more prepared for know-it-alls). she told me that it was blatantly obvious that i was (and i quote) 'dehydrating my baby. look she's dehydrated!'. she made me stick my finger in her mouth (my almost asleep happy content little baby) and said: 'see, it feels dry doesnt it? how does it feel?'. i felt like i was in school again being harangued by an angry teacher. in that moment my world kinda collapsed and i lost my connection with DD. i felt that i couldnt trust what i felt to be right. she told me that i had to demand feed her (i had no idea what she meant by this term as i assumed i would feed my baby when she was hungry). she made me get on the bed and attach right then and there (bubs had just fed!). (also, like to point out that my DD was put on a feeding schedule for the first 3 days as her weight was low and they wanted to make sure that she wasnt going to lose weight, so up to this point she (and I) were AOK). DD was really upset by this intrusion on our lives and began to cry non-stop. so i fed. instinctively i knew that she wasnt hungry, just really confused, but i kept feeding. this continued (ie non-stop feeding) from 11pm to 3.30am. i kept buzzing and she kept coming and told me to relax and it was normal for this to happen (my baby was beserk by this stage!). luckily she forgot to switch the call light off at the 3.30am visit and someone else walked in. she took one look at my baby and said that she was in severe pain and the feeding NEEDED to stop (this is 10 mins after the other lady). DD spent 8 hours in SCN (she had been in there for the first 24 hours of her life and i felt ashamed that this time it was because of me). i felt so ashamed that i didnt tell the m/w that i was following instructions from her co-worker. she busted my butt going on about how DD was on a scheduled feed program etc etc. i just burst into tears crying. DD didnt need another feed for a full 8 hours!

sorry that one raged outta control!

my only other one was that the MACH nurse told me that my DD was 'failing to thrive'. went to paed. and he laughed and told me that DD was P.E.R.F.E.C.T. (dont i know it LOL!). and i never went back to crazy woman.

[HellRazeD]

I was also a young mum at 18.
I think they just saw me as a young single mum who is useless & only had a baby coz I didn't know how to use protection. They didn't know anything about me.

I know just what you mean. All the little snipes got me from day 1. I was 15yo, and in my defence, we DID know how to use protection, we just didnt know that condoms come in different sizes, and well, to make a long and hilarious story short, XP had a somewhat erm large piece, and it went *BANG* when he went *BANG*, and I got my son!
We aren't together anymore, and haven't been since before I knew I was pg, but thats beside the point. DS is nearly nine, and he is well adjusted to the situation.

I refused the hospital care because they made snide comments about how I shouldn't listen to all the stories about not being able to get pg on the first time...

They told me I wasn't in that much pain while I was in labour ( I had back labour, and it effing HURT!), then criticized my pushing because I pooped, mind you this was AFTER they had accepted that while women DO give birth every day, I DO NOT, and maybe I actually was in pain, so they pumped enough pethidine into my previously 45kg frame to knock out a small bull rhino! Then, criticized me for complaining that the 4th degree tear I sustained from being KO'd hurt , so I promptly broke the dr's nose when he jabbed a needle full of local up my @rse and caused more pain.
Then on the ward... I was ignored for 2 days, even though I was screaming in pain every time I tried to move, as I was not charted anything but Paracetamol for my famous tear. umm... I was told to forget about "dignity" and let the students in to see my nether regions (remember I was 15, and it HAD been my first time!). I was not allowed to bathe my son or change his nappy for the first 4 days on my own because I was 15 and therefore obviously had no clue (well then why not TEACH ME!!!),

I was told I was not allowed home because I had no idea yet, or to the local hospital, despite my family living an hour away, and me missing them like crazy because I ended up spending 10 days in there, being visited by my mum only 4 times, Dad not at all, and my ex coming in constantly even though I just wanted to break his face. The midi who was looking after me refused to ask them to leave me be, telling me they were allowed to see me as long as it was visiting hours!

At 2 months, I was told I should not be allowing XP to give DS formula, despite the fact that if I DID express milk, he would either not give back the containers, or would boil it in the microwave.

At 4 months, I was told that he should not be eating solids at all, despite the fact that he was clearly wanting them, and ready for them!

The corker was when the midi came in to my room to give me an injection to dry up my milk, because at 15, O clearly would not want to BF. Well, bully to her! I BF'd till DS was 11 months old, and only stopped because I was an air cadet and spent the Syd paralympics on a parade for 3 weeks!

There is nothing wrong with my son, and I love him. Him and my DD (to my DH of just over 6 years) are very close, good-natured, well adapted children, and I did much the same with each of them, aside from breaking docs nose and formula (DD was a pain to feed!)!

My DD (now almost 7), would ONLY take the breast until 6 months old. While this is normally a good thing, DP felt left out, so I tried everything. Going out for 5 hours, starting solids, expressing, smearing breastmilk on the teat, EVERYTHING. then one day I managed to get her to very reluctantly take a bottle of formula, as I was on antibiotics for a resp infection. Well, after that, she refused me totally! For 3 weeks I expressed to keep up my milk, but she didn't want me anymore . But all the same, she is healthy!

Should I go on?? It never stops. They are at school now, and invariably someone comes up with some unwanted advice about their diet (both are borderline ADHD diagnoses), when they follow a very healthy diabetic diet due to my health problems. Or it will be about their refusal to wear a jumper. I wish people would just keep their collective noses out! Its none of their business, and if it was, I would be paying to see them privately.

I say follow your instincts. If you love your child, and are sensible, then who are they to stick their noses in when there is no need???