DP believes in controlled crying.. I DON'T.

[Keira]

My DP read a book on CC and now he's forcing me use those methods on DD...

He woke up this morning and saw me asleep cuddling DD after a feed and went completely nuts that we were asleep in bed together.

My poor DD... I had to run out to the garage this morning to get something and came back to DD screaming her head off and DP standing over her just watching her, not picking her up or touching her or talking to her, just standing there, staring. He was trying to prove a point to me, what a stupid way to prove a point.

I love co-sleeping with her, we both get more sleep and she stirs a lot when she's in her own bed.

So what do you do when you and your partner have different parenting styles? Everytime we "talk" about it, it turns into a huge argument.

Are there any good books recommending co-sleeping or on the negative effects of controlled crying?

[aussienic]

I would google some things on it.

for starters CC isn't recommended under 6 months..

I understand your DP thinks it is the right way to go but in my opinion you are the primary care giver so thikngs have to go a little the way you want it kwim?

I don't agree with CC. i have done it once.. I will never ever do it again... I have sat next to their cots/beds while they have cried and reassured them I am there for them but it is bed time..

MY DH and I had a chat about this the other night in fact, Olivia who is just over a week younger then your DD was fussy and he said maybe we should let her have a little cry and I said no I don't think that is the way to go and then I explained it to him. I said if you tend to baby they remain calmer but if I am busy with the boys I do have to let her have a little squawk.

I guess what I am trying to say is that children who are seen to quickly (where possible) are calmer babies and know there mum and dad are always there for them..

I hope your DP can see this and realize your Daughter is still so young and crying is her only way of communicating

[Beach Mama]

Here are few articles from on here to show him hun.

https://www.bellybelly.com.au/baby/c...sleep-training

https://www.bellybelly.com.au/baby/t...trolled-crying

https://www.bellybelly.com.au/baby/c...art-of-bonding

Hopefully they will help. It's a tough one when both of you disagree hun but if you arm yourself with some research as opposed to just opinion he might be swayed? Also - you are going to be her primary carer and I know that early on I would just do what I felt right - things that DH disagreed with at times but I figured that I was there 24 hours a day and in some things I did know best. I know that sounds awful but it's true. Also - Mia is only 4 weeks old hun, she needs to know you are there to comfort her and to bond with her and even if you decide to go down the CC path - they do not recommend any form of CC until babies are 6 mths old - so you can suggest that to him. Good luck, you are doing an amazing and fantastic job and she is just adorable!!

[Kazbah]

We don't have agreement on this either, DF does the same thing. I have a recliner chair I cuddled Pip on after his feeds.

Maybe just tell him you love cuddling her when she's this small, she'll be big in no time and you don't want to miss a moment of it now. And when she is asleep, pop her back into her cot/cradle as a compromise with your DP.

I don't think there's any magic solution here, just a lot of communication with your DP and discussion about parenting styles.

[Indadhanu]

Keira.... my dad is the same as your DH, and when my mum had my little bro in 2001, I remember when my bro would cry, mum would rush in to see what was wrong, and dad would say to mum that she is creating a spoilt brat. All mum said was - its instinct. I can't ignore him because it hurts in my heart if I do, and thats how I know its wrong. Of course, it didn't mean anything to dad, but I think you know what she means...

one of the most profound things I have heard about comforting you child when he/she cries is this..... (its not a direct quote, and I can't even remember who said it, but it made Shel realise that CC is not the way to go... she even looked really guilty that she would consider that with out bub2b)... By allowing your child to cry, you are reinforcing an idea that they aren't heard or acknowledged, that their attempts to call you are pointless. You are ignoring their needs. Yes, babies cry for attention. Because they need attention. They can't call you, they can't ask for help, if they are uncomfortable, hurt, hungry, tired, or lonely, they cry for you. Imagine if you were feeling lonely, and you asked your partner for a cuddle, and you partner just ignored you. That would be pretty upsetting huh? This is what you're doing to your child by ignoring their cries.
And you may think you've won when you're child stops crying... but your childs need haven't gone away. They are just suppressed.
Who knows what the effects of CC are? Maybe you are beginning a pattern of withdrawal, a child who doesn't allow others to know what they need, because they don't believe anyone else can fulfill their needs, they think they'll be let down?? Are these the adults who feel uncomfortable asking for help>
What are the effects of a child who is consistently comforted and soothed by a parent? Mayeb they are the adults of the world who are trusting, loving, and giving, able to trust others with fulfilling their needs, able to share, able to be open with how they feel, and asking for help and advice...?

You never know, but I found it really profound to read. It changed Shel's mind about it (she believved CC was good, and consistant comforting would just create a spoilt child. We are now searching for a king size bed. We have a water bed and Shel has done the research, and you can't co-sleep with a baby in a waterbed... She has changed so much she is wants to buy the perfect bed to co-sleep... big enough for us and a bubba or two!

[Kazbah]

Alisia, that's brilliant news!

And I'm going to mention what you wrote to DF too.

Keira, I was thinking, you might be able to call your MCHN before the next appointment, talk to her about it and get her thoughts ... and if they coincide with yours, ask her to talk about CC at your next meeting, take your DP?

[mrsr]

In any case...doesn't controlled crying mean you leave the room, not stand over the baby?

[Erin_25]

The issue for me here is you baby is only 4wks old. When I read that I thought WTF....I'm sorry if that comes across harsh but your bubs is so new to the world & even if you do cc it's never done at such an early age. I would be very upset at my DH if he suggested that at such an age. Babies at that age usually feed frequently, have lots of wind & many other things, I don't think they should be left to cry.
Unfortunatly the men seem to find it easier to let it be....I don't know why that is. We tried CC once (one day it lasted) & my DH didn't flinch...men pfffft!!
The Science of Parenting....among other great things in that book it outlines the effect on your childs brain when left to cry for long periods & how it can affect them later in life.

[Pandora]

Keira, I think one of the articles should have info on the RCH study/paper that came out against CC.
If it doesn't I am sure Kelly could point you in the right direction.

[Snacks]

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. It is such an unfair thing for a new mum to have to deal with. I wish I could sit your DH down and give him a good talking to! My DH read a book when Natty was first born too and kept second-guessing my decisions. It was only after we had a very passionate discussion that he really understood where I was coming from and that it was about US as the parents and not about the author of the book.
I think there are lots of books and articles that advocate CC but ONLY after 6 months of age. (Have you got the Baby Love book? Also the raising children website.)
We did use some of these techniques with DD, but only after she hit 7 months and wasn't responding to other things.
Pinky Mckay writes lots of great stuff, as does Shiela Kitzinger (sp?) about gentle parenting (ie no CC) and how that is best for baby. If this is the philosophy you are most comfy with, have him read one of their books in order to balance out what he's already read. ('Sleeping Like a Baby' or "Parenting by Heart' by Pinky McKay, or 'Understanding Your Crying Baby' by Kitzinger.)
In any case, I have such big personal issues about parenting books! Please don't pay attention to authors who claim to have all the answers, and who tell you you are 'doing the wrong thing' if you don't go by what they say. They are full of themselves.
Hope you and your DH work things out soon.

[ruby_8084]

keira, definately agree with all the others, even if you do decide to use CC your DD is way too young to even attempt it. a good book if you wat to compromise with DP is "the baby whisperer" by tracey hogg, she has some great ways to help your baby sleep without the use of controlled crying( at least up until 6months)and she also talk about "breaking the bond of trust", in other words if you leave a child that young to cry, they will start to think you wont be there for them when they need you. you do know best and i'm sure your doing a great job your way, and i really hope DP comes round to the right way of thinking soon!!

[LizzysMum]

My Dh was trying to get me to do it too and I printed out the pInky McKay articles from this site and after he read them he changed his mind.

[BellyBelly]

If he is a reader, then grab him a copy of The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland which was based on over 800 studies I believe? Maybe 600. But heaps LOL.

[LiddlePixie]

ARGH! I feel terrible for you, having her cry so young will not do her any good and having you hear her upset this close to birth will not do you any good! I'm sorry i don't have any advice but my DF suggested we let Scarlet cry when she was younger and i simply gave him my most stern look and said 'no', He hasn't said anything like it since.

If i were you i would ignore your DH for a whole day & ask him how he likes you "proving your point" . I don't suggest doing that though. I'm just mean.

[Campari]

Yep, definitely ask him to read "The Science of Parenting" - it made my DH completely change his tune, and I even overheard him telling his mum on the phone about how bad CC is (his mum did it to him I think). We will never do that, and its such a relief to me that DH now respects my decision. Its all thanks to that book. Really!

I don't think some dads hear a babies cry the same way us mum's do. With no offence intended to all the brilliant dad's out there, but I think it just 'hurts our hearts' more. I had to go out to the washing line a few months back, when our DD was a few weeks old. I came back inside and she was screaming in her rocker. I said to DH "why didn't you pick her up?? WTF?? What are you doing??" His answer: I am eating my lunch!!!!! FAR OUT!!!! Its only us mums who can do those two things at once, and who put the bub ahead of our own stomachs!!

Anyway - enough of my rant. I really hope you sort it out, and that your DH realises that gentle parenting is the way to go.

[StrawberryMumma]

Keira you poor thing matey. You are doing nothing wrong here, as the others have said Mia is just still so little she needs cuddles and to bond with her parents at this age.

It is so hard when you can't agree. I hope you are able to show him some of the articles/books that everyone has suggested. The main thing is to make sure he is fully informed, and that doesn't mean just reading one book on cc like he has done.

Mummy instincts mean A LOT, so be strong with what feels right to you.

[Kazbah]

Try also "So you're going to be a dad", it's very helpful and geared for guys by a bloke.

[tiffanny]

OMG this sounds so much like my BIL, he yells at my neice that " he is going to send her to her room" when she starts to grizzle(She is 4 weeks corrected). I really feel for you Keira, men just don't get it.