HELP with discipline - I am going INSANE!

[mickyndan]

Hi,

I need advise regarding my 2 year old DS. I am sure he is in his terrible twos but it has escalated due to the fact he has a baby brother of 7 weeks old. It feels like I am constantly riding him. I try and stay calm but he just knows how to push my buttons, sometimes I really have to walk away. Can anyone give me advice as to how I can discipline him without handing out the smacks. Little things like keeping a cricket bat outside. He will stand at the door with the cricket bat inside but keeping his body outside. Looking back now it is a little funny and pretty smart but at the time it just about put me over the edge. I have tried timeout in his bedroom with the door shut, I have tried timeout somewhere boring but he will not stay there. My husband got home tonight and walked into a war zone, I am crying, DS is screaming at me and 7 wk old DS is crying out for a feed. DH didn't know where to start LOL!!!! Any advise would be much appreciated.... Thanks xxoo

[Mez80]

Oh you poor thing. It mustn't be easy. The cricket bat story is pretty funny, i must admit
Ok firstly- deep breaths!! Children and babies are very clever and they know when we are stressed. Your 2 year old will try to use this in his favour. Having worked with children under 5 years i have dealt with challenging behaviours.
A good technique which often works for me is to ignore the behaviour. If you know he is safe and not put himself or anyone in danger then ignore him. Eg: The cricket bat. Ask him to put it outside. If he stands outside with the bat inside then look away. He is waiting for u to respond. If you look away it will soon become boring and he will either put it outside or he will come back in with it. If he still has it inside i would say " i asked you to take that outside as it is an outside toy" then wait again. If he still doesnt listen then you take the cricket bat and put it away while you explain that since it belongs outside and he didnt listen it is now going away for a while. Maybe a few days later..bring it back out, placing it outside. If he does it again..remind him of the consequences. Do it again it you have to.
I work on the 3 and ur out system. Use time out only for the really bad things like hurting, screaming the place down for no real reason, i dont know..throwing toys around and even then its 3 strikes and ur out. ALways let him know what is going to happen as a result of his behaviour and always follow through. The moment u dont, it will be back to square one. I also find that praising good behaviour works well too and just letting him know that u appreciate him listening to you.
With time out, you may find a chair or a mat or something that u can put away from distractions will work best.
Hope that helps..best of luck to you. Your DS sounds like a normal, loved 2 year old boy.

[New Dawn]

I have a friend that says that when her DD is in the throws of a uncontrolable tandy then try putting them in the shower this will eaither shock the tandy right out of them or atleast give you a few mins to breath. if all else fails put him somewhere he cant hurt himself and take yourself and baby to the bathroom and you have a shower or have a coffee and put your mp3 player in so that you can feel more settled and ready for round two LOL. But remember its ok and all kids do this. it too will pass.

[Hoody]

I have no real advice but wanted you to know you are not alone

i have a 2 week old baby and a 20 month old who is pushing my buttons at the moment. I am trying to be patient and ignoring more than normal in the hope that if she gets no reaction she will not carry her behaviour on. DD is climbing onto my dining table etc and jumping on my couches. Its mainly at feed time so i know its for attention. In saying that though she has also started biting (again, we went thru this some months back) I just pick her up and carry her to her time out spot (in the hallway) sit her down and walk away. She will normally stay for a minute or two having a tanty then come over to me. I will sit her down and try to explaing that she was been silly and i dont like her behaviour etc. In my eyes she is still young so i cant expect her to know and understand all of the time etc. I hope your little mans behaviour improves as he gets more used to bub.

[paradise lost]

Wow, your little guy sounds really smart My DD does things like this too (like i tell her to get down, she swings round so her toes are JUST touching the floor then looks at me for a reaction) and i try to remember that whenever she pushes my buttons it is the boundaries she's interested in testing, not mummy's patience. She's interested in how it all works, how far down satisfies mummy? do i have to get right down? what if i get up again? Your son sounds the same - is it the cricket bat that must be outside? What if it's in but i'm out? What if i take an AGE taking it out? What will happen? What does it mean? I don't thinks kids that age (my DD is going on 20 months) are able to empathise with such sophistacted emotions as ours of frustration and anger and impotence when they push us like that. My DD can just about handle that if mummy hurts herself it's like if DD hurts herself. She is still so lost when frustration strikes that she has to lie down and kick and sob, how can she ever find room in that to understand i also feel it when outwardly i just swallow hard and ask again, please get down.

Your son sounds really normal and very smart. I usually give 3 strikes and remove the item in question. I then follow up with a brief pause (maybe 5 minutes of neither ignoring nor really engaging with her) and then a change of activity and some attention for postive behaviour (even though i might still want to throttle her) because i feel it's important for her that i show both how hard she can make it (when you don't cooperate mummy takes it away and you don't have it then) and how easy (mummy sits down with you and we all have a good time when you cooperate) in close succession. She often doesn't react now when i remove things from her but it has become much rarer (and she doesn't, as i'd feared, end up with a room full of nothing to play with).

Don't overuse timeout. He's looking to you for reactions, you're his number one motivation, sounding board and teacher. Time away from you needs to be a rare agony for it to be an effective tool for you. Do you have a baby sling? It might be easier to have little DS close a lot of the time (cluster-feed times for instance) so you don't have to keep getting him. THat way you can be doing what you need to there too. I only have one but my friend who had 2 said she made feeds into story time and when DS#2 was hungry would say to DS#1 "quickly now, find a story book so we can read and feed our baby" and this made him much happier since he felt that his choosing the story was a really important thing he had to do for "his" baby, and he got to share in the close time with mummy too. My friend did say this could be exhausting but not nearly so much as trying to feed through a tantrum.

I guess i try to see where DD's mood is going and head her off at the pass if it's looking like a tantrum is coming. The most depressing yet empowering knowledge of parenting IMO is that our mood so drastically affects theirs. If i'm honest i can't think of a day she's been moany when i haven't been moany too. She's too wee to change her mood so i force myself too (often through gritted teeth).

Most of all i wanted to send you huge . You're a great mummy, with normal kids. Hang in there.

bx

[mickyndan]

Ooooh, thanks so much everyone for your advice. I am definitely going to change a few things and give some new things a try and see how I go. I just have to remember to stay calm, try and ignore the small things and deal with the bigger things with 3 strikes (ie. the cricket bat LOL). I am glad that I am not alone and I really did know this but at the time it certainly feels like it. Thanks for your support.

Micky xxoo

[mrsr]

I think it's definitely attention-seeking behaviour by the sounds of things, but I'm no expert. I guess trying to keep the balance of attention is very hard, especially with such young children AND a baby.