How could I have dealt with this better?

[aussienic]

Ds 3 jacob had a major melt down over his lunch.. We had fish on bread so fish sandwiches. He was super happy and even telling me what sauce he wanted ect.

Without thinking bout asking him I spread the sauce out like you would with butter. that was the 1st melt down... I said I was sorry I didn't think about it and quickly covered the bread and he was ok.... Then I cut the sandwich in half and HOLY COW. The screaming lasted half an hour..

I calmly said it is time to eat lunch and put his and his brothers out on the table and sat down with DD to give her lunch and eat my own.. He was hanging off me screaming his head off.. Telling me to put his sandwich back together ect ect..

I remained quite calm in the beginning. I ignored him at first and just told him his lunch was at the table.. then I raised my voice and quite annoyed.. Calmed myself down and gave him a cuddle and tried to reason with him (yeh right)

In the end i lost my temper and yelled at him to stop screaming at me.. I sent him to his room.. He eventually went with a lot more yelling from him a a bit from me..

he sat in his room and calmed himself down.. came out sat down and cheerfully ate his lunch

I know my yelling did nothing but ease my own frustration.. but how else could I have dealt with this..

Should I have buttered 2 more bits of bread and just transfered the contents?
Should I have stopped eating myself and feeding DD and sat with him till he calmed down?
or jus do what I did but not yell? and maybe just put him in his room at the very start?

I sometimes find it hard to deal with Jacobs tantrums. I understand he is tired today. 5am was his wake up time but unless I lay down with him and scratch his back uninterupted there is zero chance of a sleep of even a rest.

agh.. How do you deal with tantrums?

[Kitt3n]

agh.. How do you deal with tantrums?

Sometimes I send DD to her room and crank the music so I cant hear her anymore.....

And then I wonder what she will do to me when she is 16?!!

dont feel bad.... I cant stand it when DD chucks a tantrum about her food. Be grateful child! Its the only thing I cant stand her having a whinge about.

Maybe next time you wont be a silly mummy and cut it in half (you know I am only joking here).

[Liz]

Oh Nic. TBH I probably would have done the same (including some yelling :/ ) I think what you did is ok, perhaps we just cut down on the yelling hehe I'm totally not for re-preparing food for a toddler, nor preparing different food for a toddler. And I don't think giving them undivided attention during a tantrum does anyone any favours either.

Sounds like he calmed himself down in his room, so I say you handled it ok but yeah, less yelling.. that goes for me too LOL - tho we don't have many tantrums.

It reminds me of a friend who's daughter was a tantrum chucker.. anyway, she had cut the sandwich in triangles instead of squares, or something stupid like that, and this set off a MASSIVE tantrum. They ended up outside yelling at each other in the garden. LOL - fancy arguing with a toddler like that! Think they were both tantruming! heheheh.

[MrsFabuloso]

I think you did the right thing. Maybe a little less yelling if you think you went overboard, but your DS needs to learn that it's not the end of the world and that he was over reacting. In going into his room ne calmed down thought about what happened and seems to have realised it wasn't the worst thing in the world and ate his food. Fodd is to eat and not a toy, yes he has some choice, but only to an extent. I agree with Liz on the food and the attention/tantrum things. I think you did a good job!!

[Nai]

This sounds exactly like what happens in our house on a regular basis, be it over banana not presented in the skin like a monkey, toast cut into sqaures rather than triangles, milk put on the rice bubbles when she doesn't want milk .... the list goes on!

My response is fairly similar to yours. I calmly talk to her and ask if that's how she asks for something which generally calms her down enough to say "I don't want milk please mummy" so if she does that then I will generally change it (unless of course the request it totally unreasonable). If she continues with the screaming and tantrum then I will tell her she's in the corner if she doesn't stop it. If she doesn't stop it then she goes in the corner until she has calmed down and is ready to say sorry.

I try to remain calm and reasonable but I do sometimes end up yelling at her which isn't ideal - they really know how to push your buttons don't they?

[aussienic]

wow I thought Jacob was the only child who "freaked" out over food not presented properly.. One day he might be happy to have it cut in half and others not..

I didn't want to re prepare his food as I thought that wasn't really teaching him anything. Its not like the food was spoiled (eg wrong sauce )

He came and sat with me not long ago and I said I wanted to talk about lunch time and straight up he just said sorry mummy. So he must know what he was doing and realise how silly it was..

Anyways glad I'm not the only one that yells. I feel like I am at time. Especially when its a busy time and he just starts..

Liz: LOL at your friend. I think both needed a time out

[MantaRay]

Nic. DS1 is not a "tanty" child at all, but sometimes does this - he might get upset at me cutting something the wrong way, or even just that I cut it. On occassion it has even because the slice of bread had a hole in it! What is it with food and 3yos???

I think the best way to handle it is to basically ignore it. I see it as a power struggle, so it's best not to buy into it. I might try to distract him and then hope he forgets the problem and just eats it, or otherwise just calmly say to him that that's his meal, he can eat it or get down and go to bed.

Now, having said that, it's a great theory, but definitely easier said than done! Usually they are good at picking a time when you are already stressed, so staying calm is almost impossible. But the theory is good. So I guess if there is a next time (and hopefully there won't be), see if you can try it. And if you do get upset, don't feel bad. They know how to push buttons at that age, and I guarantee you that there is not a mum in the world who can stay calm through all these storms! GL.

[Jennifer13]

Oh Nic, my DD is only 2 1/2 and sometimes we have these kinds of tantys as well (generally hers!).

What works for me is to remember she's tired/hungry/sensitive because she's just gotten over another tanty and I am able to control myself better than her (most of the time!).

Another thing that works for us is to involve her in as much of the decision making process as possible. Honestly, sometimes it is frustrating having to 'consult' her, but I try to remind myself that she gets NO control over most things.

So I get her to choose the colour plate she has (offer 2 choices), whether she would like a spoon or a fork, bring me her bib/which bib does she want, her drink to refill, how would she like the bread cut, what piece of fruit would she like when she has finished, what story would she like when lunch is over, etc, etc. If I can I get her to help or to show me how she would like me to do it.

Soooo time consuming, but then, so are tantrums!

PS And I am not a short-order cook - if after all of that, or at least some/most of it!, DD changes her mind or loses it at the table, I remind her that if she isn't finished when I am (or in a reasonable time frame) when I get up from the table, her lunch is also over and is removed. No consequences except for hunger (if even that, sometimes I think she really didn't feel like much).

[BeautifulMadness]

i think u dealt with really well. I wish i knew how handel my DS tantys. he is only 21mths and wants everythjing his way and screams if doesnt arrgghhh

[Phteven]

it can be pretty hard keeping your cool.
I try and learn from the tanties so as not to trigger them again. Like Jennifer I try to involve my boys in making their own food. Yasin can be really funny about presentaion so I ask him how many peices he wants his sandwich cut into (and get creative when he says three *sigh*) and what he wants on it and I do the same with Imran. It can get tricky when they have totally differant wants but they are both pretty resigned to deciding things with eenie, meenie, minie, moe (I rig it - it always ends on the opposite to the one it started on hehehe, so if one is on a shorter fuse they usually 'win').

Losing it every now and then is only human and IMO it can be turned to a positive cause - you can use it to set an example of apologising and explain that it's only normal to get angry sometimes but we have to make sure that we don't hurt other people with our anger.

[MantaRay]

I definitely agree with the choice thing too. The trouble is usually when I'm doing mulitple things at once (like breakfast for DS1, breakfast for DS2, eating my breakfast and making lunches for day care all at the same time). Sometimes I forget to ask.....

[aussienic]

Choices with Jacob can be amusing.. He would eat sausages every night if he had his way

I asked out loud more to myself this morning.. What shall we have for dinner and as I opened the freezer Jacob saw the sausages and yelled SAUSAGES!!! so yup thats what we are having..

Funnily enough since his tanty this morning he has been fine.. he looks exhausted though but won't rest.. so early dinner and prob early bed I think..

[aussienic]

now for another one...

I made toast (at Jacobs request) I asked did he want Vegemite or peanut butter.. peanut butter was the answer. I triple checked and each time it was peanut butter.. what happens as soon as I hand him the toast.. GRR he wants vegemite.. I refue to give in.. He was given a choice and was asked if e was sure and I am sure he just wants to be difficult..

I simply told him he was given a choice and peanut butter was the choice he made,, He can either eat that or go hungry!

[Trish]

Ahhh Nic, that could so easily be Tehya. She does that to me all the time with her toast. This morning I asked her what she wanted for breakfast as I was making Abbey's and Noah's, she said nothing, so that's what I gave her
Of course the second I sat down to feed Abbey she comes out whinging that she want's weetbix, I get up and make them then she goes off and plays I tell her to come and eat her breakfast so she deliberately spilt it all over the floor. She never said anything just took herself to her room. LOL. I hadn't noticed the spilt cereal yet. Noah tells me that she spilt it (dobber) and that she did it on purpose. I call Tehya out and ask her, she tells me yes, she gets yelled at and a smack on the bum and sent back to her room.

Now she has what she asked for in the first place. NOTHING!!

I'm not a waitress either, I refuse to do 10 different things. I will ask, you will answer or you get nothing. You will get your answer right the first time (yes I check repeatidly, even while making it) if it's wrong, on your behalf you go without. Until I am ready to make you something else that is.

Life is hard in my house

[aussienic]

I am glad I am not the only one who is like that. I tell you eat when I serve breakfast, lunch or dinner or you go hungry.. I don't have the time to serve meals at all different times and all different meals..

Thankfully my older 2 are fine with meal times.. Jacob still hasn't eaten breakfast and is pretty mcu sulking still..

ps I like your new ticker pic and your pink line...

[paradise lost]

As a rule (which means when i'm tired or upset it can and does go out the window) i try to look at it from DD's POV. SHe also chucks tanties about food prep (among other things). BUt she has to eat when i say, what i say and even if i offer her choices, they are limited by what i am willing to buy/make. So to a great extent i give her the choices i CAN so she feels empowered.

In the morning she says "I hungry" and steals my duvet (how rude!) and i say "what do you want?" and she almost always says "banana". SO i get her a banana, and i say "do you want it sweet?" (that means with the peel round it still) and then i peel it how she wants it. I have to take medication at least 30mins before eating so i do so then, and then when i go to have breakfast she has more. TOast i ask "Butter or peanut butter?" "squares, rectangles or triangles?" (had to LOL at your post Dach - i had to cut a cheese sandwich into 3 triangles and a square last week....) etc. I always give her the choices i can.

If i don't give her choices and she melts down i tell her i'm sorry she feels upset, but that mummy was tired/busy/whatever the reason was, and had to cook fast and forgot to ask, and i offer her the chance to choose the next meal instead. If i DO offer her choices and she changes her mind i tell her that she needs to think carefully next time, or she'll go hungry again and leaver her to it. If she wants to eat she has food, if she wants to sulk well, that's free!

GOt shivers reading your post aussienic, dreamed it last week and when i was reading it i got really strong deja vu and kept checking to see when you posted...

Bx

[Trish]

Thanks Nic. I like it too

Loving Olivia's new pic too. Cutey!!