I feel like such a failure...

[Lily Dust]

Oh em, you are far from a failure you are doing everything so right, at that age many bubs are undergoing so many developmental leaps amongst other things and their little brains are struggling so much. FWIW my DD was exactly the same and I thought I was failing at her sleeping too but it is nothing that you are doing and it WILL pass. At the moment you can see yourself rocking a 30 year old to sleep, right?!? Well, I thought I would be too. dont beat yourself up for walking away its much better than the alternative if you are struggling. I want you to know how strong you are for admitting that it is hard and asking for help, thats something I didnt do till last week and its long overdue.

Is there another person you can speak to her actually can help you work through the things you are feeling?

Honestly, dont be too hard on yourself. These little ones can be beyond hard and you sound like you are doing wonderfully

[Eenee]

Sorry will reply as best I can, but thanks to all your replies. DH just got home so he has taken DD for me.

that is a pretty full on work load by anyone's standard let alone when you are also fighting the constant mind battle of PND-land (oh how i know how exhausting even dealing with that alone is!).

i don't have any real great "tips" for the sleep . we also feed to sleep and when she is uber wakeful bring her to bed with us (but TBH i find that i wake up much less restful IYKWIM).

FWIW DD2 barely sleeps duting the day. we get on average only one 1 hour nap. always been like that. soooo different to DD1 who slept like a log

and it is a real bummer that your counsellor is not up to scratch. it can take a bit searching, which rather cruelly is totally impossible to do when you have PND...oh the irony!! but i can offer the name and number of the one we went to if you feel the need for a change (i had a great journey with her and got through without meds...if that's your way too IYKWIM).

big one of these and praying that the sleep fairy comes for a visit soon!!!

Thanks hun, don't know whether she'd be near where I am though. i'm sure my counselor is ok it's just that I don't gel with her and I find she rushes me so doesn't make a comfortable environment for me. That and I have DD with me so its rather distracting.

Hi,

Your little one sounds really pretty normal for that age. There's no failure in all of that. Babies DO wake frequently at night for at least the first 6-12 mnths. That's why so many mothers actually do co-sleep - because we need the sleep and they sleep better when they are close to their mum. Breastfeeding to sleep is normal and it's what works - that's why we do it. I really just don't get those books that recommend you put a baby to bed awake - even wake them up to put them to bed. Crazy! It really won't be like this forever. They change (thankfully) There is barely a mother alive who hasn't walked out of the room and left their little one crying. Sometimes we have just had enough.
Much of the stress comes from trying to achieve something that is basically working against nature - trying to make babies sleep alone for long periods of time.
Tell me, has she started solids yet? Do you have a family history (either side of the family) of allergies and intolerances (including asthma or eczema?) Is your little one well? Has she ever been sick? Do you have help and support at home?

Hi Barb, yeah i'm fine with the over night waking especially when she just feeds to sleep. I think i'm still recovering from saturday night when she was awake every ten minutes and didn't want boob! so I was at a loss to what to do. She is not an overly cuddly baby so won't let me rock her to sleep and will only feed to sleep at night after her first sleep for the night. Which generally takes me two hours to get her to sleep in the first place. Occasionally she will let me get her to sleep in the sling but not always. She is well but very grizzly at times (maybe due to overtiredness), she's an active bub and wants to be always on the go. I.e crawling and rolling around like a crazy baby. She is well, has only had a cold which she recovered well from. Her first three months of life she pretty much just screamed the entire time, until I stopped eating dairy and I seen a dramatic improvement. There are allergies and intolerances. DH has dairy issues (but he still eates it despite his reactions). I get eczema and asthma. I only have DH as support but he's recently stated his own business so is not home much. I have no other family that live nearby. She is a mummy's girl and really doesn't like been handed off, she is also super senstive to sounds and noises. She wil start crying if you cough or blow your nose or have a certain sounding voice. Also crys when other babies talk to her in there baby talk.

Ill be back soon after I have cooked tea while kids occupied.
But just know that I am here to look after your LO when ever you need and I can even come to you while you have a rest! xox

Thanks for the offer, but doubt she'd let anyone but me look after her. but your welcome to come over as a distraction to things. Thanks for the other suggestions will see if getting her to bed before she is tired works, but yeah I don't kike letting her cry too distressing for the both of us.

Thanks everyone else, i've go to go rescue DH from DD cos all I can here is crying!

[sloane]

gosh em, if sleep is an indicator of failure as a mummy, i am still getting a big fat F & DS is 2!!

you're not a failure & i have to say that i do remember some nightmares around the 6 month mark - i found that we had to change the way we were getting DS to sleep. his day sleeps also changed around then & did improve around the 7 month mark (until the next change of course!).

and feeling like you're struggling some days is perfectly normal (IMO), even without the addition of having to deal with PND. i have stomped around the house, banged doors, jumped up & down, cried & yelled!!

is there any chance of a different counsellor? or some help at home to give you a chance to rest?

in the meantime, sending some your way.

[onthefly]

Em, no way are you a failure I too understand where you're at with the sleep. DS was terrible at fighting sleep and woke all the time. DD's sleep patterns are virtually identical to your little one's (though she occasionaly has a longer day sleep)
I have two suggestions:

First, and most importantly, get help. Call in friends, family, whoever you can to help out at home and give you a break so you can get some rest and time to yourself. Perhaps your partner could take some time out of work to do more at home? Do you get nap time at the weekends at least?

Second, give yourself a break with the sleep. During the day at least, if it's not working (give it 15 minutes max) then just let it go for a while. DS was dreadful, I spent hours of my day trying to get him to sleep. He was so horribly overtired and still he wouldn't sleep. After hours of effort, he'd sleep for 30-40 minutes. So not worth it. Finally, I gave up. And it really helped. He didn't sleep any more, but I got on with my life. You can spend your whole day, at home, by yourself, battling your child to put them to sleep - so on top of being exhausted and frazzled, you're also lonely and isolated. I found that if I waited till DS was absolutely wrecked then I could take him out for a walk and he'd drop off in the stroller (I still had to sit him upright with a biccie so he didn't think I was trying to get him to sleep of course).

ETA - sorry, just saw your post about no family etc. Being a 'screamer' certainly makes it even harder for you. DS was for the first few months too, but then thankfully settled down.

[glenny_c]

Ah honey- no advice but want to say - you ARE NOT a failure!!! Gosh- I don't know how you do it! I am in awe that you can still construct sentences after having broken/no sleep for so long. Katie usually has one feed during the night and after 4 nights in a row when I was up every 2-3 hours I was a wreck!! If you are a failure for feeling overwhelmed after being woken ever 1-2 hours every night for 6 months then what does that make me? I only lasted 4 nights before I broke!!!

We had to figure out though, Katie doesn't like to be cuddled to sleep. She'd rather be left alone in her bed. I don't let her cry and often will stand next to the cot rubbing her back until she falls asleep but I find that she sleeps better and longer if I do that then if she falls asleep on me.

Also- and I had a lot of trouble with this one (and still do)- it's OK to give yourself permission to have time out every now and then. Often on the weekends I will crawl in the bath with a book and DH takes Katie for a long walk or down to the park. That way if she's crying, I don't know about it. If they stay home I always feel I have to "rescue" him. You are allowed to have you time!!!! You need to look after you!!

Wish I was closer to help out honey
xxx

[Barb Glare]

Em, rather than being a failure, mothers like you are doing a better job than most mothers - because the task you have is harder. Your baby has higher needs than many other babies, having a disposition to allergies and asthma/eczema. Yet somehow mothers like you are made to feel inadequate. Like you are not doing a good enough job. What you are doing is responding sensitively to your baby's needs. and it's hard with little family support.
Firstly, you need to explain all this to your partner. Business or no business - you need his support. Are you part of your local ABA group? It's a way of finding support and you will find other mothers that have been there and done that.
You might need to do some detective work. Is there anything apart from milk that triggers your partners symptoms (what symptoms does he have BTW?) What about your asthma and eczema? What triggers that? You may be able to eliminate a few more things from your diet or her diet. I imagine she would be starting solids? Is she getting better or or worse? You might need to assess what she eats in light of possible allergies and intolerances.
You might find that reflux meds from the dr help alleviate the symptoms (but won't help the underlying cause) It is REALLY important that you keep breastfeeding and don't let anyone persuade you otherwise. As hard as it is, breastfeeding protects from infection (which would be the last thing you would need right now) and contains anti-inflammatory properties which alleviate the symptoms of possible allergies or intolerances

[HotI]

Em, rather than being a failure, mothers like you are doing a better job than most mothers - because the task you have is harder.

And when you do make advances, they feel so much better because they have been well-earned! Some kids just take longer to work out the whole sleep caper, and some don't need as much sleep as others, or need a bit more help to get there.

For me, accepting that my DD was a minimalist sleeper made a big difference. I was able to stop struggling so much and work with the circumstances that i had.

Have you tried feeding her to sleep on your bed during the day? You might get a rest too, or if your little one sleeps you can sneak out and have a cuppa.

Nothing wrong with co-sleeeping if it gets you more sleep.

[misty]

Just wanted to give you hugs. You are completely describing my experiences with my DD. You have had some good advice to try here. My tip is to try and find support. Someone who you can turn to and explain your frustrations, who will just sit and listen (not nessecarily give advice) and who can give you practical help when you are really struggling. (ie, they can take bubs for a walk outside - or somewhere you cann't hear bubs cry - while you have a bath or a sleep or a cry.) Because as distressing as the lack of sleep is, it is really the mental side of it all that is the big challenge.


The other thing I haven't heard mentioned yet (but I may have missed it) is the idea of a sleep school or a sleep consultant who actually comes into your home and helps you set up a routine you can live with. Talk to your mchn about it, I am sure they should have some suggestions as to where you can get these kinds of services.