I shouldn't have googled!

[*EJ*]

I will be back to read the article because i've got a cake to make but i just have to say...

When DS1 was 6 months or so and i started thinking about havng another one the thought that i could never love another child the same as him crossed my mind plenty.

But i always wanted to have another one so DS1 would have a sibling.

Today my DS2 turns 1 and i must say that i am proud of myself for getting through the first year of being the mother to TWO beautiful boys. I think i've done a pretty good job at showing them equally the same amount of love and attention and have such happy little boys for being able to do this.

What i'm saying is yes the thought is overwhelming but it's amazing the strength we have as a human being/mother and you will be able to do it. It can have it's difficult times but during and after you always look at your precious gifts and think to yourself how you'd never ever change a thing.

You will make the right choice for you and your family i'm sure

[OceanPrincess]

Inanna, great posts, thank you! I'd always been dead against having other kids there at the birth but you have put a fresh perspective on it... thank you.

Heaven - yep, LOL, if any baby does not wean it will be your DD

FWIW - DD is showing no signs of wanting to give up her morning and evening feeds... I'm 24wks now...

[Nai]

Great points Inanna! While DD1 wasn't involved with the birth, she was very involved with the pregnancy and was included in all appointments. She even helped the ob with the doppler and blood pressure thing.

[feeb]

I get bits of it but not all.

When DH came back with DS1 to see me I did think ohh my baby is no longer a baby! When I first changed his nappy after being in hospital and only doing DS2 I was like wow his nappies are massive LOL.

The sleep deprived snapping at toddler yep that happens too.

But I still love DS1 as much if not more as its a new exciting journey watching him interact with DS2 and want to hold and kiss him. The feed together and DS1 forever patting and stroking DS2 while feeding

[Lolli]

heaven, you always start the most interesting threads

I just thought I'd weigh in here. i don't think the author of that article's experience is typical- except for the way your toddler looks so much bigger when you first see them after having a newborn. The first few weeks were hard- ds was stressed out, I was tired and snappy, and I just felt so sorry for my little man, having effectively lost his best mate (me) and not understanding why i spent so much time cuddling (feeding) this new thing. And i was sad- up until dd was born, it had been me and ds against the world. there was a period od grieveing there, mourning for that special relationship that had changed. There was one awful moment that i still cringe over, when i yelled at ds when dd was just 2 days old, for waking us.... but these things happen, new baby or no Even if you only have one kid, you will have bad days.

But.... I gave my ds a sibling, and I can't think of a better gift. We feel more like a family unit now. He loves his sister and she adores him. Any big change is going to be hard for toddlers- at least with this big change, they get something really cool at the end of it!

HTH

[*Infinity*]

However, she has learnt to share and to negotiate because she has 4 siblings. She has learned not to be so selfish & she is stretched to think of others... As are her siblings. To me that is a far greater gift than having me all to herself and not knowing what it means to stretch and grow in a family.

I understand the guilt but let's balance it up with the gains too!

So beautifully said Inanna.

Heaven I can definitely relate to your post, however I can't share any experience of bringing bub #2 into the mix....yet! Before I confirmed this pregnancy, I sort of just *knew* I was UTD...I was just too scared to POAS for a few days, and spent a very restless few days & nights freaking out over the prospect of another bub. I was stuck in thoughts & feelings about betraying my gorgeous DS - how could I introduce another little person to the mix when he needs me so much and still will into the future? How will he cope? Will he retaliate or resent me?

And then I did the test, confirmed I was pregnant - and those thoughts changed. Almost instantly. I don't know if it was because I had the concrete answer to the "am I UTD, aren't I?" question. Or whether something inside just clicked those thoughts about guilt & betrayal over into thoughts of excitement and anticipation about how much of a gift baby number two truly is.

DP and I focus our thoughts on how much of a priviledge it is to grow our little family unit. We're slightly packing it about having two so young and close together - but you know what - I truly can't think of having a greater challenge or purpose right now in life. What makes me smile the most is imagining DS with a little brother or sister - growing up together, learning, exploring the world. Teaching us new things and challenging how we view the world. I'm sure we'll have days where everything gets turned upside down in lots of ways, but I guess I'd have those with one, two or ten children.

We'll see how we go when #2 arrives....I know my outlook ATM is probably through rosy coloured glasses - but I'm focussing on keeping it positive. We have a lot of great things to look forward to.

[Liviam]

Heaven I don't have the time right now but I am going to come back to you because you are thinking exactly the same as I did and I would love to share my story with you. I'll be back tonight.

[Laranna]

Heaven, thanks for the link

I do relate to the authors feelings and I completely get your concern about having a second baby. I think the biggest shock for me was that I never even considered this before we had DD, so having these feelings of guilt and sadness knocked me for a six. I didn't expect feeling like this at all. So it's good that you recognise how you *might* feel when a second comes along and you can deal with it better. That's what I'm finding now that I acknowledged my feelings and talked to DH and family and friends about it. The sense of sadness and longingness for the old relationship I had with DS is still there, but it gets better and I still love him, if not more. And there is still room for love for DD too and DH

[Heaven]

Thanks guys. I guess I have to focus on how much I will be giving to DD by giving her a sibling rather than what I may be taking away (i.e. a bit of my attention). I know I definitely want more babies, it's just so hard to imagine how it will all work out.

I am also a bit worried bc if I try and imagine having another baby, if I imagine the baby to be a girl I think 'Oh, that would be nice, how cute, a sister for DD'. But if I imagine it to be a boy I think 'Hmm...not ready' and can't really imagine loving a boy like I do DD. Which is worrying bc I actually think I will have a boy next for some reason. Will I not love a boy as much?? I have no idea why I think this! Maybe it's just because I can't imagine it because I only have a girl (which is weird because I have never had a sister, I have 4 younger brothers, so I shouldn't be scared!). But I feel like I would much prefer a girl. I feel like I couldn't be as close to a boy as I am with DD. How awful of me!!

I just have to trust that things will work out. I remember before DD was born feeling sad that it wouldn't be just me and DH anymore and that we wouldn't have as much time together. I couldn't possibly have imagined how much I would love her and how it doesn't feel like she is 'intruding' on DH and I or anything, she is part of 'us'. I guess, even though I can't imagine it now, a new baby will also become part of 'us'. Doesn't stop me worrying about it though! lol.

[Shanti]

I'm not going to read that article you posted Heaven .... however I must say that I too, have been thinking ALOT, every day.... about how #2 will come into our family and how it will change things... I get really nervous thinking about it and sometimes feel a bit panicky because DD has grown up so fast already I just want to enjoy her while she's so little with no other distractions!! Yet at the same time, DH and I very much so want to give her a little brother or sister to play with!! She just LOVES kids.... she is drawn to them....

It's so difficult to know when the right time to start TTC again is I think!! Maybe it is just one of those things you just have to 'bite the bullet on'? It certainly takes up alot of my thoughts too so I know how you feel!!!!

I too, don't know how I will have enough love for another baby some days!!! I love my DD soo much and she loves her 100% mummy attention she gets from me!! And then I think how on earth will i even have time for DH aswell as a baby and a toddler?!?!?! Yet we definitely want 3-4 kids!!

I'm interested to hear more stories

[boomba]

Heaven hun you can come talk to me anytime...Ds1 was a booby feind so I know what your talking about...I will say its tough and it does change but its so so so worht it...especially when he makes DS2 giggle

We will meet up soon if you like x

[Heaven]

Amber- I was thinking I should talk to you because you are doing so well! And when I saw you with both your boys it was so clear that you loved both of them so much and I felt a bit better. When did your DS1 wean? Would love to meet up soon.

[BekZ]

Hugs Heaven. I had your very concerns before having DD2. But once DD2 was here her place in the family just became natural. I felt guilty about having to share myself around and at first DD1 didn't adjust easily. But this time was very short and I made sure that DD1 always had some one around to give her some extra cuddles and attention.

Having a sibling can be the greatest gift and life lesson for your first born. They learn to share, they learn different forms of love, they learn to be patient. And in return they gain the love of another human being. Your love will change for your DD regardless of having another sibling around. She will grow and change too

Don't think of love as being limited. Have faith that you have enough love for however many babies your are blessed with.

ps I didn't say that having 2 babies is easy....But you learn and adjust

[OceanPrincess]

I am also a bit worried bc if I try and imagine having another baby, if I imagine the baby to be a girl I think 'Oh, that would be nice, how cute, a sister for DD'. But if I imagine it to be a boy I think 'Hmm...not ready' and can't really imagine loving a boy like I do DD. Which is worrying bc I actually think I will have a boy next for some reason. Will I not love a boy as much?? I have no idea why I think this! Maybe it's just because I can't imagine it because I only have a girl (which is weird because I have never had a sister, I have 4 younger brothers, so I shouldn't be scared!). But I feel like I would much prefer a girl. I feel like I couldn't be as close to a boy as I am with DD. How awful of me!!

That's not awful of you, it is HONEST of you.

And if I am completely honest... I could have written the exact same thing, except I only have one sister, no brothers! And if I am even more honest... I still freak out every now and then when I think about this little boy baby growing inside me.

What do I know about boys???? What kind of relationship will we have? With DD, we can go shopping, we can do girlie stuff... what about mother and son relationships?? How will I build that?

But I figure there must be capacity within me to love a boy just as much as a girl, or else God wouldn't have given me this precious gift, to love and nurture.

I just have to trust that my mothering instincts will take over and I will be just as smitten with him as I was with DD when she was born.

[Just Me]

The little girl who walked through the door, nervously holding her father's hand; who scrambled up on to the hospital bed and threw herself on top of me in a wholehearted embrace, was not the child I'd said goodbye to two days before. A bizarre metamorphosis had occurred. She looked huge, suddenly. No longer a little girl at all. Compared to the baby's delicate limbs, her toddler hands and feet seemed enormous. Compared to his newborn fragility, her chunky vitality seemed almost menacing. In the space of just 48 hours my eye had become, shockingly, unaccustomed to her.

I am going to be completely honest and say that this is EXACTLY how I felt about my DD1 when DS was born. She was staying with my mum and we went to pick her up on the way home from the hospital and it was like I was looking at a stranger. It was so strange. On top of that, she had bearly slept for the 5 days I was in hospital (DS was induced and it took 3 days for him to be born and I didn't want to see her while I was being induced because I was in a bad way) though I spent a lot of that 3 days crying because I missed her so much (she was only 12 months old).

Because she hadn't slept, she was different in her behaviour as well. It was just such a relief to get home.

Those feelings only lasted as long as my baby blues with DS which was about 24 hours. After that I adjusted and started to really enjoy having 2 beautiful babies. They have brought me so much joy. We have had so many gorgeous moments with them because they are together. I have a great relationship with both DD1 and DS and I don't think those initial feelings have had any long lasting impact. I did make an effort to do lots of stuff with DD1 as soon as I got home from hospital and enjoyed her a great deal.

I was actually surprised how much easier I found DD1 after DS was born. She was a great help to me with him and very interested in him. When he was about 2 months old, she started to play with him. Even though she was only 14 months at the time, she would crouch down behind his toys during tummy time and jump up and yell 'boo'. They are just so amazing together. They are great buddies and entertain each other a lot. They always have someone else to play with and I think it is great!

I have since had DD2 and wondered if I would have similar feelings but this time I didn't feel anything like that. I was only away from my babies for a day this time (I had a c-section and didn't cope well in recovery so I didn't see anyone on the first day). I was so excited to see them when they came to visit and cried when they left the hospital.

Was going to write more but DD2 just woke up and is crying so have to go. Be back later

[black_rose]

Google is not your friend!! As DH says you can find anything you want to find on google to support your views it just may not be true!

As a mum to 2 girls I wondered how I would feel about DD1, she was my little premmie and very special to me. But I have found it to be wonderful she loves being involved with DD2, and she got very close to DH as he would take her out and play with her if I was breastfeeding DD2. I have totally bonded with DD2, I love her just as much and its amazing watch her exprience life as its so different from DD1.

Recently we put DD2 into daycare so I could have a day with DD1, we have her swimming lessons and the rest of the day she chooses what we do, its a great expreience, we get to share one on one time, I don't know if she was feeling left out but she loves our days together now she gets excited when say its mummy and DD1 day tomorrow. I do the same for DD2 and hope to juggle another day so bub no 3 has the same opportunity, its getting epensive but its worth it it means I can really appreciate each child and give them lots of attention for a day.

[~Serenity~]

I understand what the writer says from the size perspective cos I've had the same thing happen but I didn't have the problem of not loving the older child as much

[fionas]

I'm not there yet but I think a hearty dose of perspective is in order when it comes to this sort of thing, otherwise I too, would worry myself silly.

I worry about whether I will love Baby 2 as much as DD because in my eyes, DD is THE perfect child. Not perfect for everyone but perfect for DP and I - funny, outgoing, mischievous, noisy, active. If I'd had to describe all the attributes that I wanted my perfect child to have, DD has them. It's unlikely that Baby No. 2 will be the same so logically, I worry that I won't feel the same.

But you know what? Pfffffft. Whatever. Whenever I need perspective on life/death, I just remind myself that hey, I'm not that special. Billions of people have done this and in most cases it works out fine.

But I am glad that I read the article because it's like a flag to me that feeling a bit off towards DD1 (if that happens) is normal.

I remember reading an article before I had DD saying that it's normal NOT to feel that instant mother-baby outpouring of love so I didn't worry when I had DD and all I wanted to do was sleep. I was fascinated with her for a couple of weeks but loving her certainly wasn't instant. And look at me now. Can't even go somewhere in the car without having the passenger mirror thing down so I can gaze at her all the way. And she's two and a half. RIdiculous.