smoking.. what do you say?

[tellytubby]

This might stir the pot a little, and i apologies in advance if i offend anyone.

Background info -
DH was a smoker, when dd was 2 days old he was giving her a cuddle in hospital and i started on the normal nag about how he needs to quit smoking. The MW overheard our conversation and came over for a chat. She informed us that even tho DH washes his hands/has a shower it doesn't matter, she said that the nicotine is in his skin, and as he nurses dd she absorbs it. This absolutely scared the crap out of him, we were both very aware of smoking and the increased risk of SIDS. He threw away his pack and has never touched one since. (it will be 2 years in november).
From then on he was very touchy about ppl smoking anywhere NEAR her. He wouldn't even let my mum cuddle her (she is also a smoker), but she understood and never took offence, loves her to bits and spoils her rotten

Well we're now pregnant with number two.
I have since met someone through a mums group i am part of, we have become really close friends over the year, and she is a smoker. She was telling me today she went to visit another mum in hospital who just had a little girl, she said she was "in that much of a rush i didn't get to have a shower and change my shirt, but all was good, i still got my cuddles".

She also said to me at last weeks playgroup, that when i have the bub she'll come around and nurse the bub for me so i can wash my hair and relax for a couple of hours. I don't know how to say no to her.....

Am i over reacting?? Should i just let her hold my baby??
Because DH was a smoker he is sooo blunt to people with this issue. We talked about it last night and he said to tell her no. Straight out.. "no" . But i don't have the heart to do that! I feel like i would offend her, and she'd take it in way of her mothering isn't up to standards with mine..

So i guess, after that huge story (sorry), what do you say???

Or are you a smoker? do you understand when people ask you not to hold their baby??

What would you do?

I really don't want to upset her

Thanks for any replies!!
-tellytubby

[aussienic]

I was a smoker when I had my first (didn't smoke during pregnancy but started up again not long after)

I always asked smokers to wash thier hands before handling baby. Or if I felt uncomfy (ie a distant friend) I would just say Oh cuddles soon.. Ethan is a bit unsettled today.

I would just say.. Dh is quite uncomfortable with people who smoke handling our baby. Tell her what you just told us now about how he quit so she realises just how important this is to him.

Maybe say I really appreciate you coming over to help but if you don't mind not smoking while you are here..

It would be hard to say though.

Or bring up smoking and newborns in a converstion and mention how your husband feels about it (takes the heat of you IYKWIM?)

nt sure if I made any sense.

[skybie]

hey hun, im a smoker, yes i know im a horrible person for what im putting my children through!! but ive also grown up with both my parents smoking and mum smoked when she was preg with me and my brother so its not really a taboo subject in my family.
As for the increased SIDS risk..well obviously i dont co sleep coz thats a big no no, i never smoke around the little miss, and i smoke outside and wont be smoking while im breastfeeding this one to come, i know that means nothing and please dont judge me for doing it, any reformed smoker or smoker will know how hard it is to stop.
anyway off track, ur bubs arent exposed to smoke 24/7 therefore that 'risk' is lower even if ur mum has a cuddle after recently smoking and ontop of that theres all the other risks associated with SIDS that we should and shouldnt do, do u eliminate all the other risks? like it says its a 'risk', we also 'risk'our childrens and our lives when we put them into the car,we put ourselves and our kids at 'risk' when we go out in public and touch things that possibly contain deadly germs.
the choice is purely yours on how you want to handle the issue and if u want ppl to wash theyre hands and not have cuddles with bub then do it, it is your baby and only you can control what level of 'risk'theyre exposed to.
oh and my first daughter was born 8'2 and im 6'foot tall and my brother is 6'3 lol so didnt stunt our growth! in saying that im fully aware of what smoking can do and i have regular placenta and bubby checks and as soon as my doctor tells me i need to stop i will

[Visitor8]

well as someone who has smoked with 2 pregnancies, smoked after all 3 were born and co slept with all 3 kids and none have died... I am not so sure on the SIDS thing.

I no longer smoke. I did smoke through the last 3 months of Jaidans pregnancy, the whole of Chase and none of Ashton (I took it up when he was a couple of months old)

I honestly would be offended. I have never been told no because I smoke. And I have held my fair share of babies. If someone did say to me no I couldn't hold the baby because I am a smoker I would probably distance myself from that person permanantly... sorry. I wash my hands, I never smoke just before I'm going to hold a baby, I don't smoke AROUND kids (I'm sort of a nazi about that) so i think that's enough. But if someone was to say NO because I smoke, period, I wouldn't be happy.

JMO of course, wanted to be honest with you.

I am so glad I don't smoke anymore though. Been almost a week and I feel so much better for it

[Fleur]

This is really interesting, I was thinking about the same thing the other day...wondering how I would handle this situation.

One of the women I work with is a smoker and when she comes back into the office after having one she REEKS! (Sorry don't mean to offend anyone but when you are a smoker you just don't know. And some are worse than others).

So I was wondering how I would feel when I take bub over to the office for a visit (already promised, and over the road from home, so quite unavoidable) and this woman asks for a cuddle?

FWIW I used to be a smoker, so no judgement here...

Or bring up smoking and newborns in a converstion and mention how your husband feels about it (takes the heat of you IYKWIM?)

I think that's a pretty good idea....

[Phteven]

It's not a contagious disease.
IMO a baby will breathe in just as many toxins driving to the supermarket as it will getting a quick cuddle from a smoker.

[[M]umma[M]ia]

VERY well said Brontide! u took the words right outa my mouth.

Im a smoker and i wash my hands before i pick up peoples newborns. Not because im a smoker but because i have handled some pretty grotty things through out the day. I didnt smoke through my pregnancy but took it back up when Mia was about 6 weeks and co-slept with her until she was 7 months old. Shes fine. I do think smoking around ANY child is WRONG. but smokers handling children, i find it abit far fetched but thats just me.

[tellytubby]

MissyMoo84

I honestly would be offended. I have never been told no because I smoke. And I have held my fair share of babies. If someone did say to me no I couldn't hold the baby because I am a smoker I would probably distance myself from that person permanantly... sorry. I wash my hands, I never smoke just before I'm going to hold a baby, I don't smoke AROUND kids (I'm sort of a nazi about that) so i think that's enough. But if someone was to say NO because I smoke, period, I wouldn't be happy.

I know what you mean, and thats the thing, i really don't want to offend her - she's such a nice person and i could never do that to her. With that said, she sounds pretty opposite to you... She smokes at mums group, maybe 2/3 metres from all the babies and toddlers, she obviously held a 1 day old newborn without putting on some clean clothes (although i'm assuming she would have washed her hands, surely). Good on you for being so strick with not smoking around the kiddies - i really respect that! And congratulations on giving it the kick! My relationship with DH has shown me that it is a HUGE HUGE HUGE thing to commit to

Aussienic

Or bring up smoking and newborns in a converstion and mention how your husband feels about it (takes the heat of you IYKWIM?)

I did this today at mums group, she knows what DH is like, she knows he was a smoker and she just kinda laughed and sort of agreed thats its not on. So i guess thats a good thing right?? Not sure if she remember the convo when bub is finally here tho...

Skybie -

hey hun, im a smoker, yes i know im a horrible person for what im putting my children through!!

No your not! I swear i have nothing against smokers, i really don't. Like i said my mum is a smoker, she smoked while we were in the car, she smoked ALWAYS. FWIW i think its the reason my sister and i have never smoked, because we didn't want to end up with that type of addiction, so maybe you're doing your kids a favour?

Jasp - i know! Definately a toughy!

Brontide

It's not a contagious disease.
IMO a baby will breathe in just as many toxins driving to the supermarket as it will getting a quick cuddle from a smoker.

This is SO true, maybe i just have to get DH to relax about the whole thing. I've always felt that if you're a smoker its polite to wash your hands, not have a smoke before holding a baby, and not smoke around children.
Does anyone else agree with this or not? Smokers again? do you agree or is this still out of line?

Again i don't want to offend anyone, so please don't take this as a personal attack, i have nothing against smokers i really don't, i just would prefer you to be clean before holding my baby.

[tellytubby]

I've always felt that if you're a smoker its polite to wash your hands, not have a smoke before holding a baby, and not smoke around children.

With this said, how do i ask her not to smoke so close to bub when he/she is born?

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

"If you're going to light that up, go outside away from the baby. You know we're a no-smoking house these days."

Be blunt. If she's going to ignore your wishes to even change clothes just to get a cuddle you HAVE to be blunt.

FWIW, I don't mind a smoker around my child so long as they don't reek of smoke and they don't smoke anywhere near my child. My Grandma, whom I loved dearly, was a smoker. My sister is. But my sister isn't allowed near DS when smoking... if I told her that she'd be shocked I'd even consider that she would! I have friends who smoke and I don't have a full shower before cuddling DS after being near them.

[Visitor8]

Straight out say that it's blowing in your babies face and can she move away. If your subtle she might not pick it up, and if YOU move then she will never take notice.

I honestly don't get how people can do it personally, as someone who smoked a lot I was always so careful about the people around me. In the bus stop I would always walk out of the shelter if ANYONE was in there, not just kids, same as sitting in town or at the park, I always walk away. I've sat at a table outside the cafe, and my friends BF sat there and he lit up. I told him to please go smoke it elsewhere because i had all 3 kids there too. He said sorry and walked off, didn't seem bothered at all. As long as your polite about it, explain that it's too close to the kids, they shouldn't have an issue with it.

I've never changed my clothes when I've smoked before handling a baby, mine or someone elses, IMO it's no worse than someone who reeeeeeks of perfume. Washing hands is a given for a new bub, I don't bother when they are older.

[mrsmac]

I would just put the blame on DH and say "you know how bad reformed smokers are?" to explain his attitude (its true, we ex smokers are terrible LOL) Just say he feels that since he has quit for the sake of your kids that he is really paranoid about ANYONE smoking around them.
I feel embarrased when i remember smoking sitting next to a girlfriend and her newborn smoking years ago (I did ask first though)

[Fleur]

I honestly would be offended. I have never been told no because I smoke. And I have held my fair share of babies. If someone did say to me no I couldn't hold the baby because I am a smoker I would probably distance myself from that person permanantly... sorry. I wash my hands, I never smoke just before I'm going to hold a baby, I don't smoke AROUND kids (I'm sort of a nazi about that) so i think that's enough. But if someone was to say NO because I smoke, period, I wouldn't be happy.

I agree totally, and that's kind of the problem. I would take offense too if it was me.. I agree that not smoking around kids etc, not smoking immediately before is enough, and I certainly don't want to offend or upset anyone.

Just to clarify though, my issue isn't that people smoke at all or not (that's excluding a lot of people if you do that!) but those who have just had a cigarette and come in reeking of it.
How do you say - without offending them - "I'm sorry but you smell of cigarettes"..?

[[M]umma[M]ia]

With this said, how do i ask her not to smoke so close to bub when he/she is born?

come on seriously... tell her. Dont mean this to sound harsh but step up and grow some balls. Just say "please DO NOT smoke around my baby". Its like saying "please drive the speed limit with my baby in the car"(just an example). U just never know. This is YOUR babies health we are talking about so it shouldnt be how its said, just that its said and she understands. I would not be bothered if someone told me this.

Yes, washing your hands after a ciggarette is a good idea.

[fionas]

OK, as a smoker, this is my take on it.

Smoking around a baby is a no-no. You don't need to feel in the slightest bit bad about asking her not to smoke around your baby.

Banning someone from holding a baby because they smell of smoke ... hmmm, I think that's a bit harsh. Yes, smelling of smoke is not pleasant for anyone, it's yeuky but .. what is the evidence that it does any actual harm? Midwives are not always right about everything - if they were everyone would leave hospital breastfeeding like a dream (yes, I'm a bit bitter about midwives

Personally, if I was going to visit someone, I would make sure I didn't smell of smoke but if I'd had one a couple of hours previously and there might be a faint whiff around me, I'd honestly think they were completely over the top if they asked me not to hold their baby. Not to mention mortified and embarrassed.

[Lolli]

OK, as a smoker, this is my take on it.

Smoking around a baby is a no-no. You don't need to feel in the slightest bit bad about asking her not to smoke around your baby.

Banning someone from holding a baby because they smell of smoke ... hmmm, I think that's a bit harsh. Yes, smelling of smoke is not pleasant for anyone, it's yeuky but .. what is the evidence that it does any actual harm? Midwives are not always right about everything - if they were everyone would leave hospital breastfeeding like a dream (yes, I'm a bit bitter about midwives

Personally, if I was going to visit someone, I would make sure I didn't smell of smoke but if I'd had one a couple of hours previously and there might be a faint whiff around me, I'd honestly think they were completely over the top if they asked me not to hold their baby. Not to mention mortified and embarrassed.

:yeahthat: Nicely said Fiona, just what I was thinking.

[boobaloo]

i'm a smoker, i never smoked when i was pregnant, but took it back up when both babes were a couple of months old. i never smoke around mine or anyone elses kids, or adults for that matter, i usually wash my hands straight after a ciggie, and half the time i rinse my mouth with listerine. i get incredibly angry if anyone smokes around my children, and it's caused a few arguments as dp's fave aunt is a chain smoker who smokes inside. bleurgh.

god, i've lost my train of thought... it's late.

basically, sure i think it's completely fine to say no smoking around the baby, but i think it would be incredibly rude to ask someone not to hold the baby just because they smell of smoke. as someone else pointed out, the baby is going to breathe in far more noxious gases just going in the car in traffic. if someone told me that i couldn't hold thier child because i smelt of smoke, then i think i would completely distance myself from them, after being completely mortified that is.

[Laranna]

When DS was born, I insisted EVERYONE washed their hands before they had a cuddle. In the hospital there were signs all over the birthing unit reminding visitors to wash their hands before handling newborns and there was a card on his crib saying the same thing.

So, you could just ask everyone who comes to visit to wash their hands first, then she might not feel cornered kwim?

My dad is a smoker and when we go over there, I don't let DS anywhere near him when he smokes. He does do it outside though but I still don't let DS outside when Dad is outside smoking, we wait.

You have to do what is comfortable for you and your family. It's just like if I go to a friends house and they want me to take my shoes off before coming inside, then I do it because I respect their wishes regardless of how trivial it may seem to me, it's obviously important to them. Don't be afraid to be blunt and up front about it!

ETA: I am a non-smoker, never have been, never will be.