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Thread: Mum's, I need your advice/thoughts!

  1. #1

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    Default Mum's, I need your advice/thoughts!

    Parents in law are moving here from interstate not long after bubs is born....Which is lovely! But I am getting the impression from what they have said that they want to take my little ones out where ever and whenever they please, since they will be retired! And I feel like they will be taking over my routine somewhat.
    Now, I am not used to this thought at all, since I am a SAHM, who loves every second I have with DS, and no doubt with Bubs when born too. I have never had DS looked after, and never intended to! I believe its a grandparents right to see their gran kiddies, but the thought of them taking over a bit scares and depresses me already! I would be worried sick the whole time that they would have him/them, and just wouldnt feel comfortable with it at all.
    I would like to just see them once a f/night or week, to spend a day as a whole family together, and would think that for now that would be enough!



    Do you think I am being too over protective? They are very good with DS, but a bit too care free. I would never forgive myself if something happened to him in their care.
    Does anyone else feel this way? Do I just come out and tell them, when the time comes, that i am just not comfortable with him not being with me?

    Thanks all.

  2. #2

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    Oh Elly i so hear you my dear! My In Laws live 5 minutes away from us. Ever since Jesse was born MIL has been saying "let me know when you want to go out so i can have Jesse". Firstly, i would NEVER in this world leave Jesse with her unless it was a life and death situation and there was nothing else i could do. After hearing she gave my DH alcohol when he was a baby to settle him, i just dont trust her. Just the way she does things are just so different to me. And not to mension Jesse just screams whenever she comes around anyways (and she tells me its because i never get out.. which is a load of BS!) But every time we saw her it was "when are you going to leave Jesse with me, blah blah blah"... she harped on that for about the first 4 months.. now i think she'd got the message as i take him everywhere i go.

    Regarding telling them.. um well i guess thats up to you.. i dont have the guts to.. i just say yeh ok when she'd say it and then never ask her to take him..

    But i say dont feel guilty that you have to leave your children with them.. if it doesnt make you feel comfortable DONT do it. I say always listen to your instincts.. if it has to be that one day i have to tell MIL that i dont feel comfortable, then so be it.. id rather have to do that then something happen to my little baby.

  3. #3

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    I don't think you're being overprotective at all!! I don't think it matters who it is you wouldn't want them to just take your kids out all the time!
    I suppose it's a bit hard until they arrive and you know what they're expecting...Maybe just make sure you chat to dh about it first and let him know what you're comfortable with so that he can tell them what you both expect iykwim?

  4. #4

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    I would trust your feelings. Having a day together as a fam is great. Would you mind if they had one child at their place for a couple of hours but wouldn't go out? I let my MIL have Coco (she minds her once a week) but I request they generally stay home. i am getting a bit more relaxed, at first I was a mess, but Im having to let go now particularly with an 8 year old.
    Take your time and never do anything if it feels wrong. All the best xo

  5. #5

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    OKay I may be going out here on a limb but I would say for the first little while of course do not do anything that makes you uncomfortable, but there may be a time (say...labour?) when you need to be confident in the person looking after DS while you are in hospital. So the lead up too... it may be important to have a few hours here or there which it is only DS & whoever it is to be looking after him.

    A family day is a fantastic way to introduce them into the way you do things, so they understand that you have a certain way about doing things. But maybe have a shower or go for a quick trip to the shops so they have an opportunity to feel like they are being "helpful".

    I would LOVE to have some family around to get to shower on some days, or just say "please take Jovie for a walk in the pram so I can have some special time with Matilda". YKWIM?

    I don't mean dumping your children on them for days & missing them, but get used to the idea of having some quality time with one child or the other for an hour or so. Or 20 minutes of you time, they can stay in your house & look after them while you have a bath or something special for you. At the moment I've been trying to get my hair dyed for weeks... still haven't found time where I can dye my hair without a helper...

  6. #6

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    I'll help Christie!! Just let me know when.

    I agree with Christie a little on this one too. Certainly don't let MIL disrupt your routine or let her just take DS whenever she wants. But as you get more used to having her around DS (and bub) you might feel comfortable enough to leave one or both of them with her for short spells. I am speaking from experience on this one. My ILs recently moved here from interstate and prior to that we had no one to help with the boys. Now I really appreciate a helping hand occassionally. THis week for example when Tom was sick, she came around to help with the washing. When both boys were asleep she stayed with them while I went and got some groceries as Tom wasn't well enough to take to the supermarket. Then when they woke up, she spent time with Tom so I could have some one on one time with Jack that we'd missed out on with Tom needing so much attention. She doesn't necessarily agree with the way I do everything, but she goes along (apart from buying them too many clothes and toys, she can't help herself on that one).

    I would start by explaining that you have certain routines so there are only certain times when it suits for them to be around. Just tell her DS gets too disrupted if the routines are changed. Also explain that you have never left DS before, so you will need some time to get used to the idea, and for DS to get used to it. And also that there are certain ways you parent and ask her to respect that. I am sure most MILs will agree to go along with the parents as they don't want to risk missing out on their grandkids.

    Good luck with it, I hope you find the right balance.

  7. #7

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    hey EllyBoo72,
    Just tell them how its going to be... I know its a bit harder than it sounds but I had to do the same thing with my MIL.. Everything I did was not quiet right in her book ect ect blah blah... but in the end i just had to say "I am doing this my way and if you want to be involved please just back off" ........ I didnt say it exactly like that but she got the picture... now she is really good.. she asks me if she can hold him, feed him ect and asks if she can look after him.

    We are the mums now... Once, we were part of thier family unit when we didnt have kids.... but now they are part of our family unit and they have to respect that weather they like it or not!!

    Good luck with it mate... and just be prepared to be the bad guy for a while.. if she is a decent woman she will respect you more once she gets over herself

    xox

  8. #8

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    Thanks for your replies everyone!

    Its nice to see I'm not the only one feeling this way!
    Christy and Mel, I can see the other side too, having some benefits regarding "help" for time out but I guess I have never really needed it so far, as I have managed to do the things that I needed to do either with DS...Or if that wasnt possible, I would arrange to do things when DH got home from work or on weekends. I am a bit of a matar (sp) really.

    IKWYM...with just being able to get dressed in peace! I would LOVE that!!! A morning where I dont have to stop DS from throwing things down my toilet, or rolling the t/paper off the toilet rolls, running off with my hair brush, or beauty products...Or wanting to get into my cupboard whilst I'm standing in front of it, or slamming the shower screen open and closed etc etc!!!

    When I did need help, the pple that I thought I could count on, were never there to help, so I soon learnt that help wasnt going to come our way very easily, and that I had to learn to do without it, which is what i have done so far. I had always felt guilty for asking anyway?

    I guess I will just have to take things slowly when Inlaws move here, and let them have him for an hour a week, but I still wouldnt want them taking him out for quite some time as I would be worried sick...and I definately dont want them offering to take him to his kindergym, or swimming etc...the things that i really enjoy taking him to. They are welcome to come, or watch...but not to take over IYKWIM. I figure...They have had their children, let me have, enjoy and raise mine!!!(Hope that didnt sound selfish) I will definately explain to them how I feel though. I need to gradually build up confidence which I know I will have more of when DS is older.

    At least now, I dont have to explain to them why i will not be putting a 5 year old onto a plane on his own, to travel half the country side to see them! This is what they wanted before they decided to move here! NOOOO WAAAAAY was that ever going to happen LOL.

    Oh...Good point about when bubs is born!! My best friend who he adores, will be there at the hospital to watch over him, along with my parents too.

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