Hi Ladies, here is my problem, I hope someone can help.
DH and I live in W.A, but all our family are in Victoria. If we lived in Victoria, we would go into Labour 'whenever' and people would come and go as they can according to their work etc and at the end of the day we would be left on our own to be our new little family to bond. But because they will all need to know in advance dates to book for time off work and flights etc, it will be hard because Bubs could come at any time. I do not want them booking according to my dates and having a house full of people when I 1st have Bubs, and I don't want to have to chose who can stay with us and who will have to pay for accommodation. I really would hate to have DH "and" all his/my family here straight away (as all day everyday they would make the most of being over here and would be at our house flat out) so I was thinking:
What about if I worked out my Due date (and added on 2 weeks) and told them that was my due date. Also tell them that as we can't pick and choose who can stay and who can't we have decided we would like our quiet times at night once everyone has gone, so they will all have to get accommodation. That way no-one feels crappy.
That way, I am thinking if I go early I will have DH there for 1 week. And once he goes back to work I can get some rest (hopefully). And then when they all come over it would not be too much. And once they go back to their hotels at the end of the day, it will be DH and I to bond as a family with Bubs. But if I need help sooner, they may have to opportunity to change their flight dates and come earlier if we had to.
If I go later, thats ok too, as hopefully I will get a little bit of time just DH, me and Bubs, before they all turn up.
I feel bad having to sort it all out, but as my family are a little disfunctional I don't want to upset anyone, and I know I will be pulling my hair out too. I am happy to hear any other ideas, and please do tell me if you think this is wrong. I just feel more relaxed when it is just DH and I, and as this is our 1st I don't want a house full of people all because they don't want to pay for accommodation.
If it were me, I would give them a EDD that is much later than what it is. You really don't need the hassle and then in all likelyhood, you tell them your true EDD, they turn up, baby is a no-show for 2 weeks and then they have to go home and miss out anyway. Much better if you can do that, or tell them you think it will be better to come after bubs is here to guarantee that they can have a proper visit and not miss out kwim?
I have the same problem, except my parents are 2-3 hours away and ... well, these are just niggling pains so the baby could be here anytime, but they're getting annoying.
I might just have to cross my legs until 8:30 when the kidlets go to bed. My parents are scheduled to visit the nonexistant baby tomorrow morning.
From someone who just had to deal with my family (including both my parents, who haven't spoken to each other in 10 years) and my ILs visiting to see the new baby, I would tell everyone a different EDD. And I wouldn't be letting anyone come and stay tbh.
DH and I are lucky that our house is too small to have visitors stay overnight. But my ILs stayed in a hotel and came to visit every day for three days from early morning to late evening and it was hell. They didn't bother helping around the house either.
My Mum has been hanging around for about a month now and was pretty peeved when I hadn't gone into labour by the time of my EDD. She phoned me every day, to find out if I was in any pain and in the end DH and I pulled out the phone and ignored everyone for a week until he was born at 41weeks.
There is a real reason why it's called a Babymoon. That time is really important for you, your partner and the baby to get to know each other, deal with the crazy hormones, establish breastfeeding, heal from the birth, and rest. If family is visiting, they need to stick to your boundaries and help you out. If they don't like the boundaries you set up, that's their baggage and shouldn't be your concern.
Good luck. I wish I'd told my family a different EDD.
I'd actually be inclined to give them a later EDD (unless there is a family member you were hoping to have there as a birth support). Like persephone, i too had a multitude of visitors and even though they kinda/sorta helped, it did mean that DH, bubs and I didnt have any real alone time to establish bonding and establish the concept that we had just had a baby (as dinners needed cooking, floors cleaned, general entertainment, food shopping etc).
I HIGHLY recommend not having ANYONE stay overnight at home. you've got a great idea with getting them to stay in hotels/motels (this might also make them less likely to turn up before bubs is born ).
Although it is lovely to have family celebrate, it is such a big life changing event and such a precious time for you and DH to bond as a couple as you enter the journey of parenthood together (especially if DH has to go to work fairly soon after bubs is born).
Depending on your family and how honest you can be with them etc, I would either give them a later due date, or be totally honest with them and say- look we are first time parents and would like a couple of weeks as a family to bond, I would also try and get parents and in laws to come at different times. Maybe try a different tact and say that DH will be back at work and so you might need some extra help so if your parents come for a week then your IL's you can spread out the 'help' :wink: . Families sometimes forget about the mum's after the baby is born, and it is all focused on the baby, so you need to stand up right from the get go and say what YOU want, especially in regards to people staying in the house.
I am in the same boat as I have no family where we live now, and DP works away so I am by myself with DD for at least three quarters of the week. I invited my mum to come for a couple of weeks to help out and to look after DD when bubs is born. It must have been the pregnancy hormones speaking because she stayed for a week after DD and I was ready to kill myself or her by the end of it. But I do need the help and I know that she will do the housework cleaning etc while she is here (a bit to much of the cleaning and be vocal about it while she does it, but at least she does it), so I know she will help and so she stays at the house with us. And then about a month ago my FIL and his wife invite themselves up around the time of my EDD because they will be travelling around this time anyway. So peeved, and they can stay in thier stupid camper as I actually invited my mum first. And then as a stupid knee jerk reaction I invited my parents for christmas. How to stress myself out.
Anyway, sorry for my rant. If you have one person stay with you, make it the person who will be the most help and will actually do stuff for you. Anybody else can stay somewhere else. You do not run a hotel, and if they want to see bub they will do it. Good luck with the decision making and don't worry about pleasing everyone cause you can't, this time is about your new family.
I think it's a fine plan, I lied to everyone about the due date of our last bubs, and I was right, she arrived when i said she would. I told my ds that the second time around I wanted some time with just him & her before everyone started visiting. You need the bonding time, harder with a toddler but not impossible, and it is really important. I felt like i missed out on that with DS because within 2 hours of him arriving all my family started visiting!
My Mother asked for a more accurate due date as with her work she needs to give plenty of notice. So here is what I said:
"The scan showed Bubs 1 weeks less far along as to what I think I am. I could tell you a date but as you have had 3 children you are aware they rarely ever come on schedule, therefore I would hate for you to book time off to come over, and I go 2 weeks overdue and you miss seeing bubs. PLUS everyone else has said they wanna come too, and I have no idea where I am going to stick everyone. As this will be our 1st, I think you could understand having 5 Parents staying for the 1st few weeks of our Bubs life will be quite stressful, so I don't think I can have you all stay here."
She then said:
"I doubt your father would want to stay there while I am staying there." (so she automatically assumes 'she' can stay and everyone else works around her.) and "I am looking at coming for 2 weeks"
So I said:
"That's the thing, if you stay for 2 weeks, then DH's Parents do, then my Dad and Step Mum do, that's 6 weeks all up of non-stop having people here. I will end up wanting you all to leave, and I would prefer it to be a positive experience. And as I can not have you all stay at once, and I don't want you all coming at 2 week intervals, as that is not fair to the others to have to wait until the parents before them get to come over, that maybe everyone can come when they want, but get their own accommodation. I know it will be expensive, but I have no option. It's fair on everyone then."
Well, I then got the silent treatment from her for about 5 minutes (on the phone, gotta hate that, but I knew it was because she was annoyed, and I refused to fill her silent gap. So I told her I had to go, and all of a sudden she was talkative (I guess she sensed I was annoyed, and probably was scared I will tell her she can not come at all but I left anyways.
So that brings me to now. I think I need to explain the situation to them all again, and make it clear that they are not to be annoyed at us (as I fully agree it is harsh to go interstate and have to pay for accommodation) but repeat my reasons for it, and explain if we still lived over there things would be different. Fingers crossed this all works out. I am now angry that we look like nasty people to them, when we are being realistic, at least I hope that's the case
You should do what you need to do. For the first few weeks I was a mess as breadtfeeding wasn't going well. I would get tense when we has visitors. I can't imagine what it would be like having people stay over.
Stick to your guns. You are definitely doing the right thing.
No family here not sure what to do for Birth
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and in the end DH and I pulled out the phone and ignored everyone for a week until he was born at 41weeks.
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