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Thread: No family here not sure what to do for Birth

  1. #1

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    Default No family here not sure what to do for Birth

    Hi Ladies, here is my problem, I hope someone can help.
    DH and I live in W.A, but all our family are in Victoria. If we lived in Victoria, we would go into Labour 'whenever' and people would come and go as they can according to their work etc and at the end of the day we would be left on our own to be our new little family to bond. But because they will all need to know in advance dates to book for time off work and flights etc, it will be hard because Bubs could come at any time. I do not want them booking according to my dates and having a house full of people when I 1st have Bubs, and I don't want to have to chose who can stay with us and who will have to pay for accommodation. I really would hate to have DH "and" all his/my family here straight away (as all day everyday they would make the most of being over here and would be at our house flat out) so I was thinking:

    What about if I worked out my Due date (and added on 2 weeks) and told them that was my due date. Also tell them that as we can't pick and choose who can stay and who can't we have decided we would like our quiet times at night once everyone has gone, so they will all have to get accommodation. That way no-one feels crappy.



    That way, I am thinking if I go early I will have DH there for 1 week. And once he goes back to work I can get some rest (hopefully). And then when they all come over it would not be too much. And once they go back to their hotels at the end of the day, it will be DH and I to bond as a family with Bubs. But if I need help sooner, they may have to opportunity to change their flight dates and come earlier if we had to.

    If I go later, thats ok too, as hopefully I will get a little bit of time just DH, me and Bubs, before they all turn up.

    I feel bad having to sort it all out, but as my family are a little disfunctional I don't want to upset anyone, and I know I will be pulling my hair out too. I am happy to hear any other ideas, and please do tell me if you think this is wrong. I just feel more relaxed when it is just DH and I, and as this is our 1st I don't want a house full of people all because they don't want to pay for accommodation.

  2. #2

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    If it were me, I would give them a EDD that is much later than what it is. You really don't need the hassle and then in all likelyhood, you tell them your true EDD, they turn up, baby is a no-show for 2 weeks and then they have to go home and miss out anyway. Much better if you can do that, or tell them you think it will be better to come after bubs is here to guarantee that they can have a proper visit and not miss out kwim?

  3. #3

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    I have the same problem, except my parents are 2-3 hours away and ... well, these are just niggling pains so the baby could be here anytime, but they're getting annoying.

    I might just have to cross my legs until 8:30 when the kidlets go to bed. My parents are scheduled to visit the nonexistant baby tomorrow morning.

  4. #4

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    From someone who just had to deal with my family (including both my parents, who haven't spoken to each other in 10 years) and my ILs visiting to see the new baby, I would tell everyone a different EDD. And I wouldn't be letting anyone come and stay tbh.

    DH and I are lucky that our house is too small to have visitors stay overnight. But my ILs stayed in a hotel and came to visit every day for three days from early morning to late evening and it was hell. They didn't bother helping around the house either.

    My Mum has been hanging around for about a month now and was pretty peeved when I hadn't gone into labour by the time of my EDD. She phoned me every day, to find out if I was in any pain and in the end DH and I pulled out the phone and ignored everyone for a week until he was born at 41weeks.

    There is a real reason why it's called a Babymoon. That time is really important for you, your partner and the baby to get to know each other, deal with the crazy hormones, establish breastfeeding, heal from the birth, and rest. If family is visiting, they need to stick to your boundaries and help you out. If they don't like the boundaries you set up, that's their baggage and shouldn't be your concern.

    Good luck. I wish I'd told my family a different EDD.

  5. #5

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    I'd actually be inclined to give them a later EDD (unless there is a family member you were hoping to have there as a birth support). Like persephone, i too had a multitude of visitors and even though they kinda/sorta helped, it did mean that DH, bubs and I didnt have any real alone time to establish bonding and establish the concept that we had just had a baby (as dinners needed cooking, floors cleaned, general entertainment, food shopping etc).

    I HIGHLY recommend not having ANYONE stay overnight at home. you've got a great idea with getting them to stay in hotels/motels (this might also make them less likely to turn up before bubs is born ).

    Although it is lovely to have family celebrate, it is such a big life changing event and such a precious time for you and DH to bond as a couple as you enter the journey of parenthood together (especially if DH has to go to work fairly soon after bubs is born).

    HTH and goodluck with your decision-making!

  6. #6

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    Depending on your family and how honest you can be with them etc, I would either give them a later due date, or be totally honest with them and say- look we are first time parents and would like a couple of weeks as a family to bond, I would also try and get parents and in laws to come at different times. Maybe try a different tact and say that DH will be back at work and so you might need some extra help so if your parents come for a week then your IL's you can spread out the 'help' :wink: . Families sometimes forget about the mum's after the baby is born, and it is all focused on the baby, so you need to stand up right from the get go and say what YOU want, especially in regards to people staying in the house.

  7. #7

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    I am in the same boat as I have no family where we live now, and DP works away so I am by myself with DD for at least three quarters of the week. I invited my mum to come for a couple of weeks to help out and to look after DD when bubs is born. It must have been the pregnancy hormones speaking because she stayed for a week after DD and I was ready to kill myself or her by the end of it. But I do need the help and I know that she will do the housework cleaning etc while she is here (a bit to much of the cleaning and be vocal about it while she does it, but at least she does it), so I know she will help and so she stays at the house with us. And then about a month ago my FIL and his wife invite themselves up around the time of my EDD because they will be travelling around this time anyway. So peeved, and they can stay in thier stupid camper as I actually invited my mum first. And then as a stupid knee jerk reaction I invited my parents for christmas. How to stress myself out.

    Anyway, sorry for my rant. If you have one person stay with you, make it the person who will be the most help and will actually do stuff for you. Anybody else can stay somewhere else. You do not run a hotel, and if they want to see bub they will do it. Good luck with the decision making and don't worry about pleasing everyone cause you can't, this time is about your new family.

  8. #8

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    Wow, thanks everyone for your replies. I guess I was just a little worried that it would look rude in my behalf. But I think now, knowing what you Ladies have gone through, I will tell them it is for "their" benefit that they come later. We had our scan yesterday and all was well (although they did say it was measuring 1 week behind, but I know my AF date, and am pretty certain on my O date, as I always have regular cycles). So naturally they all asked if we had a clearer due date. I told them end of Feb, and that they had gotten a different date to me. I will wait a little bit (maybe after the 12 week mark somewhere) and mention it again, and let them know I what I would like, it is our Baby after all!
    Thank you all for you advice, I figured those that have had Babies would be able to speak from experience, and tell me what they would have changed.

  9. #9

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    Congrats on your pregnancy. I totally agree with everyone else - tell them a much later date if you think they might just show up.
    And I'd discourage houseguests early on (unless it's someone you're happy to have around and who is going to help out) - maybe suggest if people want to stay then they'll have to wait till 2-3 months to visit, when things are a bit more settled. Remind them of the crying baby through the night too.
    All the best~~

  10. #10

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    Bambino, I never told my mother my due date with any of mine just to stop her from worrying more than anything, plus she didn't have that anxious wait at the end with me and she always loved the surprise phone call telling her that the baby had been born. She never took it the wrong way because I was upfront with her, so I hope that your family is the same when you tell them

  11. #11

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    I am in a similar boat. Can't tell them the wrong due date. (because, seriously, MIL has every appointment, scan and how many weeks I am on her calendar and she would figure it out) MIL is wanting to allow 10 days to go over, then a "couple of days" to come home, and then they'll come. I have said no.

    I have asked them to visit in January, when DH's work schedule is completely manic and I will definitely need the help. But this isn't soon enough for their liking, apparently.

    I'm so glad that other people's experiences validate this decision.

  12. #12

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    Hi Babybino - Can you just be honest with them and tell them that you will let them know when you want them to come or will they just come anyway? Lots of visitors at once can be really overwhelming and then to drop to none can make it really lonely. Could you think about who you would like to visit when and ask them to organise their visits sometime within the 2 or 3 months after the baby comes but not all at once. I realise a new baby is very exciting to them and you will no doubt be excited to introduce your new baby to your family, but you may appreciate having visitors more if they don't come all at once. I think having them stay in seperate accomodation is a brilliant idea as you will need your space.

    Good luck trying to figure it all out.

  13. #13

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    I had my PIL's stay for a month following the birth of DS2, and apart from Christmas day it was awful. I felt under pressure to keep a clean and tidy house, cook all meals, etc. I also could not allow myself to slob around in my pj's all day because I was worried they would think I was a slob. Of course they made no expectations of me but I was not relaxed enough around them to allow them to help and as a result my babymoon was disrupted and I did not enjoy that time.

    If I could do my time again I would ask them not to visit for a month or so after the birth, unless they were willing to stay in a hotel and just visit for an hour or so every couple of days.

  14. #14

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    Thanks everyone.
    Audax- I am not too sure, I guess 2.5 weeks after we get home. So DH and I get 2 weeks together with Bubs, and then I get a couple of days on my own with Bubs. Honestly, what is wrong with meeting your Grandchild at 2.5 weeks old? There wont be too much of a difference between the 1st day/2.5 weeks.

    I do have a friend who iws in the same boat(all family interstate too) and she had them all organized to come when they thought she would go into Labour. Well, she went early, and she is glad she did in the end. She had that time to bond, and also go through the emotions the few days after having Bubs, without having to worry about people being there. I am thinking as the U/S shows us 1 week behind, at 6.5 weeks, I might tell them this is the date I have been given, and they should organize their flights over for 2 weeks after that at the earliest, so therefore they wont run the risk of me going 2 weeks late and then missing out. Thanks you all for your advice, I really appreciate it, and it's nice to know I am not a complete rude B*tch for wanting to do it this way.

  15. #15

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    Wow this is a really hard one! I was sort of in the same boat, but my family came over from so 20 hours away and had never been to Australia before! Initially I really wanted them to be there ASAP after the birth as I wanted them to share it with us, but I was really worried about everyone coming for the due date and then sitting around waiting for me to go into labour... nightmare! I assumed that I would go overdue as first baby so was scared too that they would only have a few days with him before having to go back if I went 10 days/2 weeks overdue. So anyway after much deliberation they all booked to arrive 3 days after due date. I actually delivered a week early so we had a full 10 days just us with no family and it was wonderful. We were so shellshocked and had time to recover and get to know him without having to worry about anyone else. I can't actually imagine having them around that early now, it worked out perfectly... and a baby at 10 days old is pretty much the same as 1 day old so I don't feel that they missed out on anything!! We too had a tiny house so they rented a house 2 streets away- expensive but SO much better as we had time by ourselves... but on the flipside the tricky times in the evenings when we were trying to settle him we were mostly on our own. It would have been nice to have them around a bit more than we did in retrospect, but I was sick with mastitis and it was tricky juggling all the family.

    So anyway, I think you have the right idea, ask them to come a bit after you expect to deliver... unfortunately that's a bit tricky to know! You could go early or late! It is definitely important to have some time to find your feet without someone looking over your shoulder imo... but then if they're not staying you can ask them for some space anyway if you need it.

    Good luck and hope it works out ok!

  16. #16

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    I think it's a fine plan, I lied to everyone about the due date of our last bubs, and I was right, she arrived when i said she would. I told my ds that the second time around I wanted some time with just him & her before everyone started visiting. You need the bonding time, harder with a toddler but not impossible, and it is really important. I felt like i missed out on that with DS because within 2 hours of him arriving all my family started visiting!

  17. #17

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    Ok, so just an update for anyone wondering

    My Mother asked for a more accurate due date as with her work she needs to give plenty of notice. So here is what I said:

    "The scan showed Bubs 1 weeks less far along as to what I think I am. I could tell you a date but as you have had 3 children you are aware they rarely ever come on schedule, therefore I would hate for you to book time off to come over, and I go 2 weeks overdue and you miss seeing bubs. PLUS everyone else has said they wanna come too, and I have no idea where I am going to stick everyone. As this will be our 1st, I think you could understand having 5 Parents staying for the 1st few weeks of our Bubs life will be quite stressful, so I don't think I can have you all stay here."

    She then said:
    "I doubt your father would want to stay there while I am staying there." (so she automatically assumes 'she' can stay and everyone else works around her.) and "I am looking at coming for 2 weeks"

    So I said:
    "That's the thing, if you stay for 2 weeks, then DH's Parents do, then my Dad and Step Mum do, that's 6 weeks all up of non-stop having people here. I will end up wanting you all to leave, and I would prefer it to be a positive experience. And as I can not have you all stay at once, and I don't want you all coming at 2 week intervals, as that is not fair to the others to have to wait until the parents before them get to come over, that maybe everyone can come when they want, but get their own accommodation. I know it will be expensive, but I have no option. It's fair on everyone then."

    Well, I then got the silent treatment from her for about 5 minutes (on the phone, gotta hate that, but I knew it was because she was annoyed, and I refused to fill her silent gap. So I told her I had to go, and all of a sudden she was talkative (I guess she sensed I was annoyed, and probably was scared I will tell her she can not come at all but I left anyways.

    So that brings me to now. I think I need to explain the situation to them all again, and make it clear that they are not to be annoyed at us (as I fully agree it is harsh to go interstate and have to pay for accommodation) but repeat my reasons for it, and explain if we still lived over there things would be different. Fingers crossed this all works out. I am now angry that we look like nasty people to them, when we are being realistic, at least I hope that's the case

  18. #18

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    Default No family here not sure what to do for Birth

    You should do what you need to do. For the first few weeks I was a mess as breadtfeeding wasn't going well. I would get tense when we has visitors. I can't imagine what it would be like having people stay over.

    Stick to your guns. You are definitely doing the right thing.

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