Pressure to get babies to sleep (IMO)

[Mum2boy]

Clarrie, I SO know what you are going through.

There are 6 mums and myself at our mothers group, and for months I felt exactly the same. There were mornings when I woke up the day of mothers group, and I just really didn't want to go, due to be so tired from waking up during the night, and also just like you , was dreading the 'oh, you poor thing' and 'our baby sleeps from 7 to 7am without waking at all' episodes that I heard every week. They never intentially went out of their way to make you feel bad, but throw in sleep deprivation along with a clingy baby who isn't getting enough sleep also, and you soon get tired of hearing how wonderful everyones babies sleep, except your own. And like you, I was also left feeling like my baby wasn't 'good'.

Part of the reason I wanted to give my thoughts on this was to let people out there who are breastfeeding know, that it is perfectly normal for their babies to wake up in the night. I really wished someone had said to me, 'just relax, Cooper is normal, and he will eventually sleep through the night'. But SO many people said, 'you have to teach them' or 'let him cry' or 'what are you doing that makes him wake up?' eg. routine etc etc. (Can I add also Mads, that I also wonder perhaps whether he is sleeping better due to our modified C/C also. We will never know though...)

Every baby IS different, but I just would love to let people know that there is a chance that their baby will also sleep better in time, and that perhaps it actually isn't a behavioural thing. Maybe this is just 'natural'.

Liz, gotta say I love your attitude. What a positive way of thinking. I must say your attitude on it all must surely be beneficial to little Tallon. Keep it up!

Heidi, I hope also for your sake that James does start to sleep through the night. Sounds very hard on you all, but you also have a good way of thinking like Liz, and is admirable to hear that you can be in such good spirit depsite being so sleep deprived!!

BTW, they say parenthood isn't rocket science, but I sometimes feel like its way more confusing than that! (but so much more rewarding)

[Clarrie]

This thread is so carthatic, it's great.

Liz- I often do love our night time feeding sessions and try and focus on that to get me through. But occassionally, it all just gets to me and I just start to feel tired and whiney, desperate for sleep and just plain jealous of other people who are sleeping properly.

Bonnie co-sleeps with me at the moment (while the sleeping is horrendous) but I have a quick question re feeding in bed. What's a comfy position for us? Because at the moment I lie on my side for both boobs, but never know where to put the arm that I'm lying on.

Mads and Mum2Boy - I really don't think that either of you should feel guilty for CC (modified or whatever). There's already so much guilt involved with mothering, give yourselves a break - as long as you love your bubs, that's all that matters.

On a positive note, I finally found a great early childhood nurse today who assured me that Bonnie was totally normal, and said that anthropologically all babies like to feed every hour or two throughout the night. I already knew that, but it was nice to hear from a medical professional for once!

[Bathsheba]

Clarrie, when I feed my DS in bed lying down on my side I tuck the arm that is under me up under a pillow under my head... kinda curled up...does that make sense? I usually sleep that way anyhow, even when I'm not feeding. The only thing that makes me a bit uncomfy is having the doona off my shoulder, especially now that it's getting cold. When DS finishes feeding he rolls over and goes to sleep... sometimes i carry him back to bed, other times I'm happy just to leave him there Love what you were told about a normal baby needing to feed throughout the night too!

[blackbird]

I'm pretty sure it was Pinky who told me about the feeding through the night stuff. I take heart from that, especially at the moment when my little fella is up 4 times a night or more. He's got his first bad cold, started solids and going thru a Wonder Week fussy period so who knows but I feel that he's a normal baby, not a stepford child, not that I wouldn't be happy if I was getting more sleep .

Clarrie - you sound like the most fantastic mum to me. I'm sure Bonnie is the most nurtured in your mums group so don't feel bad about their marathon sleepers. I heard somewhere that wakey babies are very alert and intelligent so I'm going with that theory for now!

Mum2boy - your ability to be so reflective means you will be doing fabulous things for your little one. We can only do the best we can IYKWIM. My little one doesn't know what he wants sometimes so it can be impossible to get it 'right', whatever that is. Don't be hard on yourself.

Ryn - I hate that use of 'good' too and tend to make some comment about it. Don't listen to your mum!!

Loving this thread too. Hugs to all for the support!

[Liz]

Oh gosh girls - don't get me wrong - I have my moments where I start wondering what to do 'make' him sleep - but usually it's through an unsettled week where we all get tired and cranky, and when I look back, its usually due to Tallon having a slight cold, or teething, or something, but it usually passes and I'm back to telling myself how lovely night feeds are. LOL.

[Janie]

Thank you so much for a great thread

As a mum to a five week old bub, I'm trying not to be stressed about lack of sleep, I know he will want to feed often. However, I am getting tired of people telling me that I need to let him cry, he needs to learn to sefl settle etc etc. He's just a little baby! I mean, his EDD was today for god's sake, and I'm meant to be using cc methods on him? What he really needs, especially as he was prem, is to feed often, so he continues to gain good amounts of weight.

Don't get me wrong, when he is just awake for the sake of it, thinking it's party time, I do find that hard and wonder what I can do to 'make' him sleep. He does have his days and nights confused at times, but I have to remeber that it won't be forever! And I try to remind myself that sometimes adults can't sleep at night, and if you really can't sleep, nothing much will help. Why should babies be any different?

Thanks a million Nic for pointing out the obvious....I love the sound of what you did with DS3, it's what I've been thinking, but seeing it on 'paper' makes it seem very logical!

Like Liz, I really enjoy night feeds.....when I stay awake anyhow! I love your attitude, and really hope that I can remain feeling the same way about it

Yes, BB makes me feel more 'normal' too!

[christy]

LOL normal... whats that I'm so sure only around 10% of babies have read that textbook about what they are "supposed" to be doing. The 90% left we have to figure out on our own.

I am constantly being asked where Jovie sleeps (is it anyone elses business but our family?) and how long for. I honestly don't know how long for....

Its frustrating though there are those nights in a row when it seems like you've only had 30 minutes straight sleep at any one time...at least I have the knowledge that when we tried modified CC with Matilda it was exactly the same. Those wonder weeks are so hard and that is why the wonder weeks book is so good, it makes you feel normal.

[Liz]

Christy - it feels like a huge 10% tho sometimes.. coz everywhere you hear about babies sleeping through. Perhaps there's a few whitelies going on too? LOL. Maybe they 'mostly' sleep through, but the parents don't like to admit to the wakeful nights incase people think they have a bad baby?

I've been trying to find the wonderweeks book... soooo hard to get. The excerpt on Amazon was great tho.. and included the calander/chart thingy, which is really all I need to know LOL - when to expect those unsettled weeks!

[Eugenia]

This is all too true! The pressure to have your baby sleep "through" can be unbelievable. But really, some mothers think their baby waking up only twice a night is great (me!) but others can't cope with having their sleep broken up like that.

Liz, there is definitely a few white lies floating around. My baby is an erratic sleeper, some nights are great others make me feel like a zombie. But generally when people (usually people I don't know well) ask me if she is sleeping through I just answer yes. I don't feel the need to explain myself to them and although sometimes I feel like saying that it's none of their business I just leave it at yes and change the subject.

Ryn, I'm so with you. When people ask me if DD is a good baby I always answer, "She's wonderful." As far as I'm concerned being good has nothing to do with how much she sleeps or eats or anything like that.

[Astrid]

I know what you mean. When Freya began to sleep better, and I told people she was only waking 2-3 times a night, I received some horrified looks! But to me, that was so much better than before.

Same here, they are not the ones getting woken up, I am, so why should it bother them so much? I have learnt not to say anything to checkout operators as they seem to think that they can dish out advice about sleeping.

[Clarrie]

Oh man, a few weeks ago I was getting frustrated because Bonnie was waking 2-3 times a night. Now that's my goal.

She's now waking one to two-hourly throughout the night. But I'm now sharing a bed with her and breastfeeding her in bed lying down, so it's not too bad. Actually, I'm not feeling as bad as I thought I would on too little sleep - I think my body is getting used to it. I feel the most tired and emotional from about 3pm until Bonnie goes to bed at 7pm - then I eat some dinner, have a glass of wine and feel OK again.

Yesterday I was having a "wah, why me?" moment with my husband, but he told me that it's probably best that it's happening to me because I'm tough. And I guess it is true, I am a trooper (I was late getting to hospital for my labour because I didn't think the pain was bad enough to be proper labour) and will get through this.

Whenever the whole thing gets to me, I re-read Moxie's rant on the quick and dirty of sleep (link removed). It always makes me smile.

[Bathsheba]

Hiya Clarrie I'm about to make a cuppa and read Moxie's rant LOL but I'd better let you know that we can't post links to other sites darl. However there is a thread where you can post links to your favourite sites... it's down near the General threads. There is also a thread which explains why we can't post links to other sites in the Forum Help area

[Clarrie]

Ah gotcha, have removed the link now.

[blackbird]

Hang in there Clarrie. Bonnie really seems to keep doing the stuff that Angus has done, just a few weeks later. He's back from his 2 hrly feeds over night to 2-3 times and sleeping better in the day. Keep having that medicinal wine at night..this too shall pass.:hugs:

[Bathsheba]

Oooh but make sure it's not a red wine it seems! Moxie (LOL) reckons (if you are BFing) that red wine has something in it which reduces milk supply.... drats... i've been enjoying a nice red most nights after the kids have gone to bed.... maybe that's why my suppy has fallen *d'oh*

You should post Moxie's Blog in the Favourite Links thread Clarrie She also has a great link to a BabyWearing site which I might add to the Link forum too.

[blackbird]

OMG. I've started having a red at night recently and my supply has dropped too. I thought it might have been due to Angus' cold and his appetite. Bugger...might have to go back to vodka and soda ..at least that doesn't have preservatives like the wine does.

[Bathsheba]

LOL Blackbird... I'll be raiding the Baily's bottle I think... perfect weather for it. I'm sounding like a real alco but I'd only have about 3 drinks a week.

I've also been mulling over the wisdom of just telling people that your baby is sleeping 'through' too. What if another sleep deprived mum tentatively asks you... and you tell her that you baby is sleeping through ... doesn't that just perpetuate the problem of unrealistic expectations? Wouldn't it be better just to tell the truth but add "oh and I've heard it's more normal for a baby to wake up throughout the night for a feed etc than to sleep through anyhow?" Dont you think honesty is the best policy? And regarding informing checkout chicks etc then who cares what they think anyhow? It's so easy to change the subject anyhow if you're worried that your baby is going to be labelled as "bad". I think trying to spread the word regarding REALISTIC expectations will help all mums and I'm more than happy for complete strangers to think I have a willful, wicked baby for 10 seconds if it'll help all the other mums that speak to that ill-informed person in the future....phew! does that make any sense? LOL

[Liz]

I agree Bath - I'd LOVE to hear of other babies that wake up! hehe