Scared Baby

[Tobily]

My daughter was like that starting at the same age.
She outgrew it around a year old I think - but she still very wary of people she didn't know for a while after that.
Now she'll talk to anyone and isn't scared of anything...which creates a whole new set of problems

[Smoke Jaguar]

Hey, Mel, you've been through the ringer, and now you have a beautiful son that someone else wants to love - you've done well!!
I believe that the experiences during pregnancy that a mother has can affect the child, by transmission of stress hormones that DO cross the placenta. Studies on unborn children show that they react to the mother's fear, the respond to the mother's relaxation states etc, because the bodies natural hormones are shared with the baby through the bloodstream. So, it's likely that your little boy needs the extra reassurance that you can provide, now that he's on the outside
Also, at some stage he will know that his real daddy didn't want him. That might hurt him, but he will ALWAYS know that as much as ONE person didn't want him, his mummy is the bees knees and his daddy (your DP) loves him as well. So you cuddle whenever you want - after all, they all get to a stage when they don't want your cuddles, so get 'em while you can!
Your DP will need to let go of any ideas about 'toughening the boy up'. If DS is sensitive and slightly anxious naturally, insistence on being a 'big strong boy' will drive his real self underground. Worse still, someone who is taught that their natural disposition is a bad thing can overcompensate by becoming insensitive to everyone around them. Successful men are not the ones who pretend they don't have feelings - they're the likeable ones that people feel they can approach and talk to.
In my situation, I cuddle my boy constantly. I tell him I love him all the time, even when he's asleep! I kiss him and hold him, we co-sleep, I breastfeed him whenever he wants it etc. Now, he's not a sensitive kid (he's the opposite, he is absolutely fearless and laughs when you frighten him - he could do with more fear factor!), but that's my point - cuddling them and being there for them makes no real difference to their personalities.
Put it this way: if needs extra cuddles, it is better to give them to him than to withhold them. He'd be called a 'high needs baby' and they are completely normal, you'll be pleased to know. No amount of 'talking tough' will change that. The last thing you want a high needs baby to do is to stop communicating their needs - you don't want them to think they are alone and that there's no point asking for help.
You are doing the best that you can by Jonathan - that's all that you can give DP sounds like a gem, I hope he can work out his relationship positively with your son.
Also, Pinky Mackay has a website if you want to google it (although I think there's a link to it somewhere here in the Articles secion).
Don't doubt yourself and don't think that your age stops you from being a good mother, because that's just not true. When you listen to yourself and your son, then mummy really does know best.

[Mel86]

Mayaness thank you so much That is what I thought originally cuddle whenever I can lol. My DP got a lil upset last night kus I snatched Jonathan out of his arms when he was gasping for breath, so we will be having a deep and meaningful this afternoon because he needs to realise that I am mum and if my lil man is crying he needs his mummy. I am a bit worried about talking to him about it because I don't want him to think that I am being selfish or unreasonable. But what got me the most last night was the fact that after he scared him and he was crying really badly he didnt really do anything (like calming him down), whereas if it was me holding him I would get up and walk around with him and talk softly to him. I know that DP is as new at this as I am but for some reason this time I just felt really angry about the whole thing and I felt as though at the time I could have just lost it at DP. I really just dont like seeing my lil one upset. Am i being selfish and overprotective or am I being reasonable?
How would you approach the situation of talking about it? I asked my mum and she said just say how you feel, but me and DP have been together for just over 8 months and not had one argument whereas myself and my ex argued all the time and I am scared of getting into that pattern again.

By the way I have also googled Pinky Mackay and I will be reading that this afternoon.

[Smoke Jaguar]

It takes strong man not to feel displaced during the first 6 months of a baby's life and a good way to deal with the inevitable feelings of being left out is to really highlight where they CAN help and be an important part of the baby's life.
For instance, my DP knew that bathtime was his thing. For the first few months, too (till I foolishly took over!), he washed and folded the nappies. He got cuddles when DS was calm and quiet, but he knew what his limits were - upset baby needs boob!
To DP's advantage, his younger brother had his son at age 19, then a daughter at 21, and most recently a 3rd child, so he had been there to witness that a daddy DOES become more important to the baby all in good time. Once they realise that there ARE some things that they can't do as well as mummy can, they can take the pressure off themselves and just play the waiting game.
That's not to say that they may as well not be there, I don't mean that at all. Your DS will know who his daddy is and that he is there, he just doesn't need him for his basic survival. He WILL be a very important role model for him in the not too distant future. In a nice balance, at about the time that daddies become more important, mummies don't have to be there as much.
Sometimes, too, no matter how sensitive DP is being, there is nowhere else baby wants to be except with mummy. There's no getting around that. That might help you, too, to realise that when you see DP not being as responsive as you would like, and it might ease your frustration with him. You will need to be his example, and it will take a while to kick in! The last thing you want to do is to make DP feel inadequate. Some daddies also get offended being told that they are not as important and effective as mummy, so us girls have to find sneaky ways to make daddies feel useful I'd start with bathtime - that can be 'their' thing. Also, if you have a sling, or can borrow one, he can carry him when he's calm - just watch his face and body language when he realises that his son has fallen asleep on him! It is such a confidence booster for them, but start out giving DS over when he is calm, or he will feel defeated if he is given an already upset child and can't calm him effectively.
My DS can go to DP for comfort now (still not as good as booby, but he knows that he's safe with DP and that it's a good place to be in his arms).
If your DP can accept that it's just the hardwiring of a baby's brain and body to be so dependant on his mummy (you need to find a nice way to say this!), he will feel alot more part of his life. Your cuddling of DS doesn't cut out DP at all, but I can see how men would easily see it that way.
Do some reading of Pinky, Sheila Kitzinger, Dr Sarah Buckley, if you can, and use what you learn from them to talk to DP. Also, there are some excellent 'Dad' articles here on BB that you could print out for him.
Daddies are very important to babies, just in a different way from mummies for a while, and for very good reason
ETA: this may seem a little airy fairy and tree hugging hippy, but here it is:
Before you talk to DP, sit down by yourself and close your eyes. Remind yourself that you are going to talk to him because you love him and you love your son. You are going to speak from the heart. When you speak from the heart, it's difficult for someone to take offence and call you a smart@rse. Like your mum said, talk about what you have been feeling. Ask him to talk from his heart, too (he might think that's a weird thing to ask, but it should get his defensive walls down). THEN begin the conversation, beginning where you feel comfortable.

[Trillian]

Now that you've added a bit more detail to the relationship that you are in, the fact is that you are going to have to learn to be able to trust him with your child at some stage if you want this relationship to become permanent. I understand now that because your DP does not live with you full time that your little one isn't around him daily to be able to get used to the way he is kwim?

There will also come a time where you might have to leave him with your DP while you go to the shops and you have to be able to let DP look after him and that means letting him learn how to comfort him - simply snatching him away won't help that progress at all. I know at the time all you wanted to do was cuddle him, but father figures can give hugs too.

so we will be having a deep and meaningful this afternoon because he needs to realise that I am mum and if my lil man is crying he needs his mummy.

Forgive me if this is out of line but I think you also need to realise that if you want to make it work you have to give him a chance or you will risk him not wanting to be a part of Jonathon's life at all and completely distancing himself from you - trust breeds trust and that is an important part of a relationship. Think of it from his point of view, how would you feel if the roles were reversed and this was his child that you were trying to comfort and he just took the child away?

You do need to have a chat about the role he will play in your child's life but not at the expense him building a relationship - one that includes him being a comfort to your child.

[Smoke Jaguar]

I agree with Sherie that DP needs to have times when he tries to comfort your son. However, you need to know when that's not working and that it's time for you to tactfully step in (even if you need to apologise to DP later). It can be a fine line between ignoring your instinct so as not to hurt someone else's feelings, and knowing when it's ok to leave an upset baby with someone else. If you can't take it any more to just stand by and hear his crying escalate, step in. It's not worth your baby getting more upset over to save DP's feelings. He's the adult and being offended is not something your baby will understand, so baby comes first IYKWIM?
They will work each other out, don't worry

[Rouge]

I have to say I kinda agree with Sherie on this one. I think snatching a child out of another's arms to me is only showing that child they have something to fear. Marc would be terribly hurt if I ever did that to him and he has just as much right to comfort his children as I do. I don't believe that a mother is more important than a father they both are very important.

I hope I haven't come across rudely but I do believe strongly that a family consists of a mother and a father, and these days we are lucky enough that society encourages fathers to be a bigger part of their children's lives, they are no longer just the bread winner but are also seen as the comforter and the carer and it makes me feel sad when I see a father missing out because a mother thinks she is the only one to care or comfort her child, and usually that happens because thats all that has been allowed.

I think you are a smart woman, and you love your son very much I know the dynamics are different on some levels because your dp is not the biological father but I think if you want him to be his father, and he is a good man and loves your son and treats him well then its only fair for him to be there to comfort and care for him too (provided its something you both want).

*hugs*
Cailin

[Mel86]

I will be talking this afternoon and thank you mayaness for the help with my situation, I will explain to him exactly what you have said in your post and hopefully that goes down ok. I am pretty sure it will as he is a pretty easy going guy.
Sherie - Thank you so much, you are not out of line at all. I have thought about it the other way around which is why I was a lil confused on what to do I didn't want him thinking that he cant do it or he is useless kus I know he is not. I will talk with him this afternoon and I will let you all know how it goes and if we have things sorted.
Thanks so much everyone for your help and options.

Thanks cailin, You have not come across rude. Everyone is pretty much saying the same thing which is very very helpful, as now I know what I need to do. We need to talk but I also need to realise that he is daddy and he has rights too. I think now with everyones help I will be able to talk about things without it turning into an argument or DP feeling as though I don't trust him or he is useless.

[Smoke Jaguar]

Good girl That's what BB is for - it actually works out well when we don't all agree with each other, or have different perspectives!
Good luck with your talk, I think you'll be fine.

[paradise lost]

Hi Mel,

I just wanted to add because i'm kind of in your situation...ish?

XP and i broke up when DD was 8 weeks old (after a long time in a rut) and i moved out a few weeks later. A month or 2 after that i started seeing a friend i've known for many years. We're totally in love now, which is lovely but we also don't live together yet.

XP is still very involved with DD's life - sees her every day, has her overnight at the weekends. DP has been having some contact (pick-up-bedtime, so about 90 minutes once a week and occasionally a day together if we have something planned) for the last 2 or 3 months but before them i kept them apart because i wanted DD to have a very clear idea of who daddy was before i introduced another guy into the equation. Well once this had oviously happened, and DP and i had been together getting on a year (so it was obviously going to last iykwim) i started bringing DD and DP together.

Anyway the point of my big ramble is that it is hard when the father figure isn't the father. I know how that feels. When DP tells Esme off (or, rather, when he says things like "No esme, don't eat the bottle lid, spit it out please" i have to make myself be quiet. Not because he does things any different to how i would - he's firm but fair, but because she's not his. There is in my mind a big difference between seeing the child's other parent with them and seeing another person with them.

I personally think that parents are parents and XP has as much rights over her and potential "say" in her life as i do. BUt i have to work DP into that equation too, kwim?

In some ways i guess it'd be easier for you because your DS's dad isn't in the picture, but even then i can see it might be hard to tell yourself "DP is his daddy" when you disagree with what's happening. I have to pick my battles with XP - he is a VeRY different parent to me and a lot of what happens i disapprove of, but i can't waste all my time arguing over whether he should still sterilise everything (NO i have autoimmune problems for goodness sake! STOP IT! lol) when the issue of smacking is so much more important. So i only argue the really big points which i think will make a difference to DD's self-esteem and behaviour.

With DP the time is coming when he moves in, and as hard as i find it i know i'm going to have to decide that he is also her daddy. Even now i would never contradict DP in front of DD, but it is still anyone's natural reaction to a non-parent instructing their child to think "hey, she's my kid, who are you to tell her what to do?".

Anyway the point of this big ramble (sorry) was to say that it might be wise to decide now exactly HOW involved you want DP to be. DP isn't DS's daddy and if that makes enough difference that you'd rather he didn't have full parenting powers, that's fair enough. I think to put DS into DP's arms and then snatch him back when DS cries will make DS think he is justified in being nervous around DP and DP feel like a failure. I know how hard it is but it's better now to say "Honey try rocking him or walking with him, don't just sit there, it's ok to try stuff to comfort him." and let them find their own way together. If DP is going to be his daddy he NEEDS to learn how to care for him as you do, and DS needs him to be able to. I know so many women who are birned out because they do everything for their kids and households but when you see the family in action you realsie that the reason she does all the work is that she won't LET him help and if he tries he gets "You're doing it wrong!". It's an easy trap to fall in, but for me it's better long-term to let DP learn now how to help out and deal with parenting challenges so he is as fulfilled in his role as father as I am as mother.

Bec

[Mel86]

hey girls!
the talk went well, all i said was that I need to know that you can comfort DS when I am not around. So last night DP was holding DS when he started crying. DP moved him into a different position that didnt work so he got up with him spoke to him softly and DS calmed down. DP wont admit it but you should have seen the look on his face when he was able to calm him down by himself without me interfering. It was a look of "I did it"!! It was great!
Thank you so much for all your help.
I will be starting another thread on a different issue, I would start it here but it has nothing to do with this lol. Feel free to help in my new thread its called Routines and sleeping.

Thanks again
xox

[Smoke Jaguar]

I know - how awesome is it when you see their confidence boosted like that!
Great work, he really does sound like a good egg