Self settling

[CoNNiE_Melb]

I will add - we used Save our Sleep when DS was switched to formula. I don't know about the effects on breast feeding.
My son learned to self settle at a young age as I said. He is now 3 and a happy healthy boy who has no issues with sleep and can be asleep within 5 minutes of his head hitting the pillow. He also still sleeps 2 hours during the day. I just wanted to give you a different option and perspective.

[Frangipani Lou]

Sleep training a baby that young is detrimental IMO. It's been proven to be bad for their little brains let alone feeding etc. Even Ferber has come out to say he was wrong. That babies shouldn't be self settled or made CIO at all.

I know how frustrating it is. But I would look more into reading cues. Also reflux and gas is the biggest cause of an unsettled baby. And leaving them to settle on their own is not really helping that at all. Try and remember this is all normal. Babies don't sleep like adults. They have more frequent needs than we do.

And the one thing I want to absolutely swear to you... You cannot spoil a baby. By cuddling them to sleep. Or settling them with you in a cot it is not going to spoil them or create some pattern that you can't undo. It just doesn't happen. Babies routines and needs change a billion times over the first year. And right now she needs comfort and reassurance. Not to be self settled. As at this age she is wired to think she is abandoned if left. It's like an inbuilt protective mechanism so that they don't get left because they are pretty helpless.

I agree Rouge.

In a word... Yes.

There's some great articles on BB about babies sleep and also on Pinky McKay's website. Her book Sleeping like a baby has lots of useful and gentle info in it too.
The Evolutionary Parenting website has lots of well researched and referenced Info too.
Some information I thought you may find interesting...
In my experience (working with babies, children and families) and research into early brain development and cortisol ( stress hormone) 4 weeks is very early to consider self settling. As Rouge has mentioned, babies need us. They have immature nervous systems and need us to help with emotional regulation. At this age your DD doesn't see herself as separate from you so when left alone may become stressed and upset. It's the old survival thing.
When babies cry and they are left alone, their cortisol levels rise. When a baby cries and is being held (and acknowledged)their cortisol levels do not rise. Cortisol in the body does not allow learning to occur. So crying and sleep learning, (including expectations of self settling) by methods that have their historical roots in the 1920's is contraindicated with good mental health.
When a baby cries and is not soothed by a responsive adult eventually they give up. This is called the Extinction response/ method.
The Australian Association for Infant Mental Health has some interesting information that is very well researched in their Policies, Guidelines and Submissions section of their website.
It talks about how critical a healthy attachment is for a baby to its parents and particularly their mother.

At this age babies are also learning to trust or mistrust the world and the people close by.

IMO You will find your rhythm but give yourself and your LO some time. She is small and you are her world for now.

[Beatrix]

Tash- seems to me like you are focusing so much on this sleep battle, I did too for about 6 weeks, was ready to rip my hair out. Then i just accepted that she wasn't going to do things how i wanted, so I let her lead and I have a much happier bub and of course mum!!!!

let her take the lead and go with it.... if your tense she will sense it. Try a shower or bath together just to bond, lay in bed with your top of and cuddle

[beansbeans!]

Honestly tash, if I were you I would be relaxing your focus on getting her to sleep. Instead enjoy her, enjoy cuddling her, gazing at her awesomeness, giggle and chat to her. The newborn phase disappears so quickly and soon you are going to look back and realise you missed a fair bit of it worrying about getting her to sleep through the night which really is not realistic from a newborn
Relax and enjoy your special time with her

[Arcadia]

If ds was unsettled in the night I used to just get up with him and sit in the dark and enjoy the quiet time. They do not understand night from day for a long time I found. Both mine pooed three or four times a night until 8 weeks so I had to change them through the night anyway. After 8 weeks they both seemed to understand just resettling with a feed at night.

Remember she is so tiny still and I think the first twelve weeks is the fourth trimester. She will be a different baby after that.

My ds was a self settler from birth. Anywhere, anytime he would just drift off. I didn't do anything. BUT all this changes at 4 months. And he was fed to sleep from then until 2 years old.

Sleep training is not something you do once and that's it. Every tooth, milestone, change in routine means another bout of teaching self settling. My friend went to sleep school and has shown this to me first hand. It's been a constant battle despite some good nights etc.

Stop fighting sleep and her natural rhythm. Please, if there's anything I want to impart to you it's how destructive to your relationship with her that path can be.

Motherhood is a long road of surrender. It won't be forever and many of us look forward to being back where you are. I know it's hard to accept when you can't see the future, but this time is a blip in the scheme of both your lives.

Feed to sleep, get her up if she won't settle, watch tv with her when you're bored, go for walks to cafes, pop her in the sling when you're over holding her.

This too shall come to pass and believe me when I say you'll miss it.

[Arimeh]

Yup agree totally with Arcadia!!! Although I get to experience it again next month for myself, its never the same as it was the first time where all you have to do is just be with your baby. No other toddlers to chase, no toys to clean up, no 2-3 loads of laundry to do every day because a kid needs to have a clean school uniform, no lunches to prepare - just you and your baby to sit and stare at.

Nap during the day when she naps, stare at her, drink her all in. I am actually really jealous that you get to do this, because I didn't pay attention the first time round, and I wish so much to go back there and just be with DS and drink in all that he was, instead of wishing he would sleep because I wanted him to and its what I thought he should be doing.

Ahhh its never going to be the same as it is right at this very moment, so try to make the most of it!

[lady_neon]

I haven't read all the responses yet, but the first thing that always pops into my mind when people mention self-settling babies, is 'how do YOU self settle?'.

So, I ask you, how do you self settle? When you are uncomfortable in bed, you might remove some blankets, add a blanket, ditch your pillow, turn off the light, turn the music off, turn the music up if your neighbours are being loud,.get a glass of water, take a panadol if you have a headache, talk to your partner if something is on your mind... You see where I am going. As adults, we have the ability to a) identify what is bothering us and b) fix it.

What then, can a baby do in any of the above mentioned scenarios?

Please, do not ignore your baby to teach her to stare blankly at the ceiling so as not to inconvenience you. I understand there are timed when you will need to put her down and walk outside to count to 100 and breathe, but the only thing you teach a baby with this self settle nonsense is that she shouldn't bother asking you to help her. Not exactly the message we want to send to our children at any age.

That being said - some babies do just drop off when put down after being fed and other needs met. Give it a go but don't expect anything. I still have an awful sleeper at 10 months old... It does eventually get better.

[lady_neon]

Don't feel embarrassed for asking questions. I posted here almost every day when DS was born... All I can say is thank ceiling cat for the BB ladies

[maybebaby2012]

I'm just popping back in to add something.

My first baby I let cry to sleep because I didn't know there was another way, I wasn't a member of BB back then so I had nobody to ask questions of and get another point of view. So from about 8 weeks of age I would let him cry himself to sleep.

I believe that is the reason why he won't settle on his own now at 6.5 years. He is anxious, overly emotional and has no self confidence. From my readings on the subject, this is what can happen when you don't comfort your baby in the way that they need to be comforted. It happened to mine - doesn't happen to everyone's child, I know that, but its happened to mine. So its from my experience to not follow that way of settling, because it is a possibility of happening ITMS?

The 3 children I had afterwards I would feed to sleep (regardless of formula or breast feeding) and 2 of them fed every 2 hours, 1 fed every 3 hours. All of them had reflux so sucked at settling anyway. So I've been there on both sides. All I can go on is my own experience, and I tell my story because I don't want anyone else to suffer the guilt that I suffer every day because I made my son this way.

I was just reading something that this reminded me of actually. There was a study done at a 'sleep school' where the babies were being taught to self 'settle' by CIO. Mothers were not allowed to soothe babies but nurses would intermittently check on them but not interact. Initially babies cried and mothers and Bubs cortisol levels were (predictably) high. By the third night most babies had stopped crying but their cortisol levels were still measuring high, so even though they looked calm and had stopped crying out for help, their little bodies were still showing signs of distress with their hormone levels. So I guess it's not entirely fail safe to assume a quiet baby is happy and comfortable.

[RhiChiChi]

Hey Tash,

It's really tough during these first few weeks, hang in there you are going great - keep asking questions and if something doesn't make sense or sit right with you, just keep asking. Like Rouge said, babies needs change so much during the first 12 months, then you deal with other issues!

If I couldn't calm DD down for a sleep I'd just feed her again. This would be me rocking, cuddling, offering cool boiled water from a bottle etc.... before latching her on again. It was exhausting both physically and emotionally but in the end we both got more rest/sleep doing that than me up & down trying to nudge her to 'self settle'. She was just far too young to understand that nights are for sleeping, days are for more playing and some sleeping. I actually never really adheared to the whole daytime/night time thing in the early weeks after DDs birth b/c they are pretty much feeding and sleeping constantly during the day and night anyway. I just focussed on keeping night time & feeds with little or no interaction, minimal lights on etc.... If your DD won't settle after a feed, try giving her to your DH if he can help out (not always possible if he has to work), if she doesn't settle fairly easily, she might need a bit more of a feed. For the first four, nearly five weeks I was camped out on the sofa bed with our DD b/c she was constantly feeding and I couldn't safely sit up and feed her in the end b/c I was so exhausted. I just lie down with her and let her latch on and off overnight so we both could rest.

I promise it does get easier, just be there for her, offer boob if she won't settle and eventually she will find a rhythm. Also, if you need a break pop her in the cot and walk away for a little breather. I know alot of people won't agree with my position but sometimes I have been so tired and ended up getting so frustrated and upset that I popped our DD in her cot (safely) and walked up to the other end of the house with some deep breathing then went back to her. I have read alot about the raised cortisol levels and do agree with no CIO but I also know how important it is to feel ok within yourself.

Hang in there, if you need help Casey Council can send someone to your home. Just contact the MCHN and ask for someone to come out for sleeping & feeding tips.

[lady_neon]

I just wanted to add, emotional needs are just as valid as physical needs, from 1 day old to 116 years old. Humans, by nature, are social creatures. That's why we have more cities than hermits. Done think that ecause she is fed, burped, dry and warm that babies don't need anything else. She is getting to know you , just as much as you are getting to know her. Babies don't understand the difference between needs vs want (being food pertinent to survival vs cuddle to satisfy emotional needs), they're all the same to a baby. She doesn't understand you will cuddle her when she wakes. She just thinks she is going to die! Cuddle her till the pigs grow wings and fly Tasha. I've never once heard anyone say they wish they cuddled their baby less. Ever.

Just look at Eastern European orphanages to see what happens to children when all their physical needs are met, but not emotional needs. Extreme, yes, but no one knows how much is too much (controlled crying, cry it out etc). Doctors tell pregnant women no alcohol is the best because they don't know how many drinks are safe, and when it becomes dangerous. Same as CC or CIO, in my opinion. Best to err on the side of caution and wait-it-out.

[onthefly]

Human beings are social animals and we're born with an innate need for contact and reassurance from our mums. It's biological. Babies don't 'learn' to rely on us to settle, they need it instinctively. As you respond to your baby you meet their need for reassurance and help to develop a strong sense of self worth, which in turn helps to establish a solid foundation for independence. This is another aspect of development that comes - just like walking and talking - when your child is ready.

It is often possible to train babies to give up and stop calling for help. It's not necessarily something you want to teach them, in my opinion.

If she's having lots of trouble settling, it may well be that there's something else going on that needs addressing. Hang in there

[Jaycee]

MadB has summed it up in a fabulous sentence, you will often be training your baby to give up and not call for help rather than teaching them to "settle".

You're doing a great job Tasha, but I think you need to relax a little and just go with the flow a little. I know it's increadibly hard, and easy for us to sit back and tell you to chill, but the newborn phase is so increadibly short and I don't want you to regret all the time you spent trying to get your bubs to be the perfect baby, and eat and sleep on cue, as it's just not doable.

Your baby is perfect already, you just need to relax your expectations a little.

We're all here to help and support you through this

[Mrs Mac]

I think every baby is different. For example some baby's fall asleep in a swing where as my DD will never fall asleep in a swing. So some baby's may take to self settling while other may need help.

I admit I tried self settling for one day but found it wasn't for me, I prefer to enjoy the sleepy cuddles while I can and it is working great for us, only takes a couple of minutes for DD to fall asleep.

[Mum2twoBoys]

Though I do agree with most of these comments. I do feel the need to share that I agree that some babies are overstimulated by your presence. My son would scream in our arms every night from 4:30-7pm. Nothing would settle him, not even a bf. Once we knew him and his tired signs better we found he was over tired and overwhelmed with stuff from the day at this time. To calm him down we had to wrap him and put him in his bassinet. Because I didn't like the idea of cc or CIO, we stayed with him. But due to him being overstimulated by our presence, we would bob down below his bassinet where he couldn't see us. That way we could pat him, or rub him, or sing to help him sleep. So really we weren't leaving him alone but we weren't cuddling him to sleep either. And this ended up leaving us calmer of an evening, and somehow as he got older, with a self settling baby. But this came with time. As we coslept with him for 3-4months anyway.

[sloane]

I also think that 4 weeks is far too young to expect it of a baby but some babies may do it naturally. my ds didn't self settle until he was around 2 (and it felt like a looonnngg time at the time but in hindsight was over in a flash).

my dd would self settle as a small baby and I was astounded! I think some of it came down to me trying to adjust to the best way of meeting the needs of two children and some was just her. as she became more aware, the self settling stopped and at 16 months she typically still needs some assistance. in fact, she's asleep on my knee right now because she wouldn't feed to sleep in bed like she usually does!

I know it is far easier to say once you've come out the other side with at least one, but it does come eventually and I think at which point depends on your child. around 2 does seem to be a common age.

sending lots of because those early months can be so super draining, hang in there.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Oh yes, and FWIW self-settling is over-rated. Some babies do, and good for them. Some babies don't. Liebling was 3, nearly 4, before he'd self-settle. Looking back, I wish I hadn't had the "babies should..." books and DH around. I wish I'd just cuddled him rather than trying to "get him down". I'm sure that cuddling a sleeping baby on the sofa before carrying him to the bed we shared rather than spending 2 hours putting him to bed would have done wonders for my stress levels. I am also sure that telling a toddler that I'll sit in his room and read while he plays as he isn't ready for bed would be just fine too and let's face it, if he's up at 9.30 anyway he can either stay up later in an evening or I can get my reading in.

In bed awake and happy, fine, see what happens.

In bed awake and upset, not so fine, cuddle, hug, rock, read, love. Anything that gets that baby to sleep and staying asleep.

FWIW, Liebling now self-settles really well (age 6). He goes to bed anytime between 7pm and 9pm. He sleeps for 8-12 hours, half the time waking up after 6ish hours. I am so chilled about it you could freeze a slab of meat in me for a month. Liebling is also relaxed, happy and healthy. It works for us. And, of course, now he's older if he just can't sleep at bedtime he can read in bed until he's tired. He doesn't need me there. Which helps me relax about it too.

eta: Just wanted to add, Liebs learnt to self-settle not when he was ready. Because I just couldn't do it any more. I had to tell him "Mamma needs her coffee, I'll be back after it" and just leave. If he screamed, I would count to ten and go back. But he realised I would come back and didn't scream. Even so, I would be almost finished and hear his voice asking if I could come back yet. I always took my half-drunk mug to show him I was not lying when I said almost! But still returned. And when I was stressed when he was little, I had to have him cry for a minute or two for my sanity. But I do think that just not worrying about his sleep and baby-bedtime would have been better for us both.

I didn't enjoy my baby when we battled sleep. I couldn't "just relax and enjoy him". He was not a part of me, I was not a part of him. I was just in survival mode. No amount of relaxing would have lead to me enjoying baby Liebling. So don't worry about "relaxing and enjoying". Just worry about doing what's best for your sanity. When that happens, you can see some fun. But generally speaking, not before.

[chody47]

I just want to say that I agree that some babies tend to do it 'naturally', and I've been lucky enough to have two of them! DD1 started self settling on occasion (usually just at night) from a few weeks old. We would feed her, wrap her, put her in her bed whilst we got ready for bed and sometimes, when we went to pick her up to cuddle her to sleep (maybe 5-10 mins later) she was fast asleep. She slowly started doing this more and more. Sometimes whilst getting ready for bed she would just lie there awake. Other times she wasn't happy to lie there so one of us would pick her up and we would take turns getting ready for bed (so she wasn't left to cry).
DD2 was in SCN for her first 3 weeks and was only allowed out of her crib a couple of times a day for very short periods. Because she pretty much lay in a box for her first 3 weeks she could already put herself to sleep by the time she came home. I actually find that if I try to cuddle her to sleep now (at 6 months) she gets too stimulated and gets cranky. If I lie her down she is happier and drifts off to sleep.