What did YOUR parents do that helped you after the birth?

[MummyNaomi]

My Mum was great - reassuring, gave advice when asked, but generally told me I was doing a great job and gave us space when needed, and helped with things like shopping etc. Came and finished all my cooking (I went into labour mid 'cook up' to fill my freezer with meals for after babies arrival). I think the best thing grandparents can do is offer lots of reassurance and hold their tongue if they dont agree with something. And pratical help for the sleep deprived parents is so appreciated - meals cooked, washing folded, bathroom cleaned etc.

MIL - useless - basically had to be waited on hand and foot so SHE could have cuddles, had to be told to stop dropping in unannounced at innappropriate times and said things like "You'll spoil him" when I picked up a crying 2 week old, and told me that I could breastfeed in their bedroom for privacy when we did the right thing and visited, er ok? Needless to say she has limited influence over DS now

[samm]

My parents were fantastic. Mum would come around with home cooked meals, allowed me to have a sleep for a few hours between feeds tucked up in their bed whilst looking after my daughter, took bubs for a walk while i have a 20 minute massage to get all the muscles relaxed and a bit of me time and gave me lots of cuddles when i looked like i needed one.Mum was never in the way just fluttered in and out to give us time to settle in just the 2 of us. Now that i am back at work FT, my parents look after her everyday.
My Dad has filled in as the predominent male in my daughters life and always has spent time telling Ruby stories and now she is older teaching her the timestables at 2yrs old.

I am blessed to have such wonderful supportive parents.

[Just Me]

My Mum was a bit shell shocked and scared about stepping on our toes when we had our first baby so only came over if we invited her, though she did cook and freeze a few meals for us. She wanted to be there but I think she was worried ... she came whenever I rang and asked for help.

For my last baby, there was a possibility I would need a c/section but I had three toddlers and DH could only get 2 weeks off work. My mum organised 10 weeks of service leave starting the week before my c/section. She came over the night before I had to go in and cooked dinner and looked after our kids while we went out to dinner. She then moved pretty much moved in on the morning of my c/section and was here until I came home from hospital so she could care for our kids and DH didn't have to worry.

Mum pretty much left us alone then for a couple of weeks except for dropping a couple of meals around for us. Then when DH went back to work, Mum came here every morning, cooked, cleaned, did washing and looked after my three eldest kids all day while I just took care of our baby. She drove me whereever I needed to go including playgroup and mothers' group and she looked after my older kids while I spent time with friends. I still find it amazing that my mum did that for us. I was missing my independence by the six week mark, but I love what my mum did. It also took a lot of pressure off DH and he felt okay going to work because he didn't have to worry about me and the kids.

Other things my mum has done for us:
- She set up her house with everything that we need so we don't have to take anything when we visit her.
- She always changes the kids' nappies whenever she is around. It is so lovely because I am so over dirty nappies and it really doesn't seem to bother her. I really appreciate that she gives me a break from this job whenever she is there.

I'm sure I've got a few more things that I could list here but those are just a few to start with ...

[Plinky]

My mum lives in UK, so wasn't around when DS was first born. My dad I guess didn't know or think that I might need help, and I guess I was too embarrassed to ask for it. My MIL was in hospital fighting a Leukaemia relapse, and my FIL had enough on his plate to deal with, with that. DH was also visiting his mum heaps (of course), but it made me feel like I couldn't lean on him emotionally. So we were pretty much left to our own devices. It was a very tough time, I do wonder if things were different maybe I would have coped better with a baby in general.

So very jealous of those who have had such great support, but I'm certainly sure I'm going to do everything I can if my sis or kids ever have a baby.

[Roryrory]

BBBurton your mum sounds like a star

[Cass72]

Gave us space!

They made sure we knew they were there if we needed them - no matter what time of day, no matter how silly the question was - but they made sure we knew it was on our terms not theres!

Exactly that!!

When I had DS2 I was living on the west coast and mum and dad were on the east coast so they didn't come over until DS2 was 6 weeks old. Although mum was busting to get over sooner, she asked when it would be appropriate and wanted to give me and DH time together as he was only home for a just over a week after DS2 was born. After that I had two weeks on my own (calling mum every other day just to vent/talk) and then my parents came over for two weeks. Mum didn't once try to take over. She was just grandma. We took turns cooking/cleaning - although she insisted that I not over exert myself. Both of them were just there which was nice.

When I had DS1 I was on my own and young! I moved back home with my parents and they were pretty much perfect!! Again, mum let me be the mum and didn't interfere with bubs at all. They were purely and simply grandparents. She offered advice when I needed it but didn't try and push her ideas onto me. DS1 and I lived with grandma and grandad until he was 10 and he grew up knowing who mum was and who his grandparents were - there were no crossing the boundaries (although sometimes we came a little close!). Again, we shared the load of cooking/cleaning.

I think on the whole, the best thing my parents did for me was just to be there and to catch me if I fell.

[raffy]

My mum was visiting from WA so she was staying in the house with us, in the morning I would walk in and give DS to her while df and I showered and they had a cuddle, then during the day she would let me sleep and only wake me when DS was hungry, she also cooked and cleaned which helped so much as having a messy house does my head in, she didn't smother us with 'help' and advice, and only gave when I asked, and having her there when the baby blues hit was great coz sh understood, poor df didn't no what was happening, she was pretty much perfect

[Nai]

I agree with the support and encouragement too - my mum has never once said anything negative about the way I parent. She has offered suggestions about what to do with certain things but she is a retired primary school teacher and has a lot of experience with different behaviours and she still keeps herself up to date with current practices so whenever any new studies are done she will read them.

MIL on the other hand, while sort of supportive did make some bad comments early on (eg. your milk isn't enough for DD1). DP laid down the law though and she never said anything again. She has said since that she was wrong and that we are doing a wonderful job raising our girls

[MrsFabuloso]

Not alot really. Mum cooked some meals occaisionally, she came over once or twice to help me with house work. That's about it really. I suffered with PND and really needed help. I made no secret of how much I struggled with not sleeping and my house being like a bomb site. Considering she lived a 5min drive up the street and is retired and doesn't do alot, plus she had my two brothers 16mths apart like my first two were and often told me she knows how things are (so should have known how tough things can be) I thought she'd be alot more help. My dad lived 2 hours away so I didn't expect alot of him, though a visit occaisionally when he came to town would have been nice. I was and still am so disappointed, especially with my mum, I thought she'd be a much more hands on grandmother and mother to me since I have had children.
But then why would things change just because I've had children?

[Manhattan]

Everything, lol

I was a complete mess after the birth of DD. My mum cooked, cleaned, did our washing, watched DD while I had some alone time, made sure I actually ate and showered. She was amazing, and never once batted an eyelid. She was just helping her own daughter in need.

I think the best thing they can do is respond to your needs/situation. If its space you need, then they can give that, if you need help, then offer that.

[Taurean]

My parents showed us so much support and encouragement. When we found out DD wasn't gaining weight and my supply was blamed, mum moved in with us for 5 days (they only lived 25 minutes drive away at the time, lol) and helped me with DD while DH was at work. She was amazing! Dad came for dinner every night and cooked for us while mum stayed. It was such a huge help, especially when I was at breaking point emotionally. They also cooked us meals to freeze for the first few weeks and had me and DD spend the whole day at their house on many occasions when DH was working. They were brilliant.

My in laws on the other hand live interstate so didn't meet DD until she was 8 weeks old. That was fine with me! MIL had lectured me about breastfeeding WHILE I was pregnant telling me how difficult it was and that as she had two children out of three that wouldn't BF that my chances of success were low too She suggested I stock up on Carnation Milk just in case She also 'told' me I must discuss the allergies her kids had with my OB (weird, I know) so we could be prepare for the fact my baby would probably have issues too.

When they visited, despite us asking if they would mind renting a house or staying in a hotel close by as we were still finding our feet and 'house guests' would make things more difficult for me, they refused and told us they wouldn't bother coming if we didn't want them to come them. MIL made it all about her and couldn't understand for a minute why having my inlaws (who are stressful under normal circumstances) as 'house guests' while we were adjusting to parenthood just added to the stress levels. DH and I both set her straight when she arrived though and she did a bit more to help than usual.

MIL lectured me about BF DD for too long each feed (DD fed frequently and for 45 mins or so each time), told us we should let her cry more before we pick her up and wearing her in the sling so much was creating a bad habit. She also told me DDs hiccups were because I over fed her. She added her washing to my never ending pile and told me it was there when for when I did my washing. She only helped with the washing a couple of times in 10 days. She wanted to put honey on DD's dummy and argued with me when I told her how that is no longer the done thing. Actually, she argued about everything I said as 'she had been a nurse looking after babies 50 years ago AND she'd raised 3 children without any issues'. Yes, my MIL was far from helpful!!

[Dragonbub]

ok reading these posts has made me feel a bit depressed! So many awesome mums out there

AFM - mine are useless . My mum has not been so bad this time but to be fair she is visually impaired so is limited. However she could do a bit more to help but is quite opinionated and demanding. I like her company but she talks alot about her own early mothering experiences when I want to talk about mine

MIL is worse! She is perfectly capable of driving but has been over only once since DS was born and even then we paid for her dinner. She only lives 20 mins away. Even on mothers day she insisted we come over at 4 cos she didnt want her elderly mother to have to put up with the kids. Her mother haS not even met River yet and he will be her last great grandchild. She is just so selfish and I have basically written her off.

On a side tho my sis is amazing. She comes and keeps me company and cuddles River, which is great as even now he is sleeping in my arms. I am so blessed to have her otherwise I would really be heading down the pnd path again.

[kiwimummy]

My mum did most of those - made meals, did washing, took DS out. But - the best thing she did was support me breastfeeding, telling me I could do it and answering millions of questions I had (hard for a grandparent that didn't BF themselves), she even stayed the night and helped me through painful night feeds.
I love my Mum!

[kaze]

MIL/FIL were pretty good, they looked after DD in the first days after DS was born and she would go to their place a couple of days during the week. bought meals etc

my parents, didn't really do anything, they didnt offer really nor did i ask them to do anything, but they all came up and visited us the day after he was born to have a hold and catchup and then it was back to only seeing each other for things like birthdays, easter etc

[briggsy's girl]

my mum was one of those nightmare MIL's when SIL had her first - around ALL the time, wanting to hold baby ALL the time - drove SIL nuts I'm sure. so when i was pregnant, we had LOTS of coversations about what i felt what was and wasn't appropriate.

When i was in hospital (five days) Mum visited at every visiting session, bringing family and friends over if they wanted to come (i birthed about 60ks from home) - each time, she'd ring or text before she came over to see if there was anything we needed. she took washing home (to take pressure of DH), would cook fresh food for us for snacking, went to the shops to get heartburn stuff for me etc. when i came home, she left us alone for pretty much a week as she had a cold and didn't want bub to get sick, but rang every day at random times just to check on us.

when DH went back to work (DD was 3 weeks old), he was away for a week at a time, then only home for a day or two and then off again. mum would come out to our place (about 20k's) with fresh food. she'd ring me each day before she organised dinner for her and dad and ask if i'd like leftovers next day. she'd watch/hold DD while i showered, make sure i had a cuppa and something to eat. a couple of times a week she'd pick me up just before lunch and take me to her place until after dinner - basically did all the nappy changes and things so i could snooze on the couch. she'd ring every day before she went to the shops (before coming out to our place) to see if there was anything i needed, and if i wanted to go to the shops myself, she'd take me.

she made one gaff about my milk - once - don't think my reaction allowed her a chance to do it ever again lol Mum was unsuccessful in BF both myself and my brother, and she admitted it was all about not knowing and making comments based on the FF she knew about. She was really supportive for the most part (still is!)

Mum made an effort to understand the impact my anxiety issues were having on me so that she could help/support me which has been amazing. the first time i really left DD wasn't until she was over 6 months old, and instead of mum telling me everything would be fine, take DH to his concert, she'd have DD for a loooooooong period of time, she actually drove us to Melbourne (about 2 hours) and had DD at our cousins place - gave mum an opportunity to catch up with family, meant i could feed her just before concert and then again straight after as she was still exclusively BF and refused EBM at that stage.

when i went back to work, mum started having DD a couple of days a week, and continues to do that now. she initially had massive "issues" with the idea of me using MCN's but changed her tune very quickly on that and now tells everyone how great they are

but i think the main thing is that she hasn't once criticised me/DH and how we've chosen to parent. it's almost totally opposite to how i was raised, but instead of criticising or dismissing it, mum has supported and embraced it, and continues to do so. even though it's not what she knows, she continues our style of parenting DD when she is at their house, which i really appreciate

Dad - useless - but that's normal. at least he isn't trying to tell us we're doing it wrong!

IL's - DH's parents passed before i met him and he is estranged from his siblings so we've not had input from them at all - just how i like it

[Gigi]

kiwimummy - that is so wonderful, that your mum could be your BF cheer squad - i understand how important that is, well it was to me.

BG - your mum sounds awesome, that way she adapted, and also the way she listened to the stuff you said, whilst pregnant, to prepare her (so you didn't get a repeat of how she "helped" your SIL).

great to read such positive posts. Families are such a lottery.