Jodi, I logically know that. I do. But emotionally, I do not love Alexander. He is not my child. He is just a hindrance to my personality and my life. And those are horrible thoughts but they are all that I feel right now. It is something I wish that I could change and make go away, and it is, very slowly getting better. And as I said, in the healthy part of my mind, I know the things I do are love, but that doesn't make me love him? Feel love for him, or realise that what i am doing is an act of love KWIM?
Sorry I know it doesn't make sense, but I can't explain any better.
It makes perfect sense to me hun. Most people, in fact, manage to care adequately for their kids due to loving them. It takes real iron to care for them out of duty rather than love. FWIW i have never been dx with PND but during the early months and break-up i fairly regularly looked at DD and just saw this huge millstone around my neck. If it weren't for you, i used to think, i could be rid of XP and out of here and never have to look back. I didn't wish she was dead, but i did think that if she died i would be free on more than one occasion. And i really don't think i COULD have bonded better at birth or had a better start with her - the strain of the whole situation after her birth was just too much. Once i was out of my miserable situation things improved drastically. I know your PND is much more serious than that but it WILL get better hun. I can't believe you've managed not only to care for your DS but are also getting help for yourself too. Kudos hunny, my touch of depression felt like 10 mountains to climb, i can't imagine your strength to be doing what you are.

Bx