Not tactless Kmn, you make a good point. I think that's why I was really struggling with continuing to take them - I really don't sit we'll with the message it sends my DD and it seems that apart from packing up and leaving (which I have done a couple of times), I can't completely protect her from the behaviour. As I said above (I think we posted at the same time), I think I know the answer. It just sucks. Thanks again.
Another part of the answer may be to help your friend find some of the resources that might assist her to improve the situation. I'm pretty sure that when you have a newborn and a very difficult 3yo you don't have time to look into your options very much, so is that something that she might let you explore a bit on her behalf?
I've put it out there in the past - before her DS was born - and she just said that she was happy to talk to her Pead about it (who she sees regularly as her DD also has physical health issues). If I can find the right moment in the conversation, I will try and check in with her about it again though. I'm 'in the field' WRT my work so she knows I can easily link her in with someone... it just means that I need to be extra mindful that she doesn't feel that I'm bringing my profession into our friendship and my perspective of her DD. I do agree that it might be worth trying again though.
WWYD - other people's kids with challenging behaviour
I have a similar situation except I don't have kids and it's my besties DD, who generally is good but doesn't often have anyone tell her no.
She's in child care 5 days, my friends DH picks up DD, and by the time my friend gets home from work, she gets an hour or so with DD. Its the weekends when we seem to catch up that my friend will be with her DD, my friend seems to become relieved that I'm there and kind of hands her DD over to me, to discipline. I have never at any time indicated that I know better, it is interfering with our friendship, and I'm sure my friend knows it as quite often she'll try to justify her DD's behavior.
I know her DD is lacking in direction, she is a clever, smart child, but has a temper which can be testing, and often she acts out on objects or smaller children if she doesn't get attention.
I have tried pointing out to my friend, examples of my niece and nephews behaviors and what has worked etc, but my friend is her own worst enemy! She'll often distract DD with chocolate, just to avoid her DD throwing a tantrum.
I'm not sure if I'm helping here, prob more relating to your thread, but I guess if it was me, I'd rather hear it from someone close to me than a teacher, or another parent saying my child had hurt someone!
I will stalk the thread to see what solutions you are offered...
WWYD - other people's kids with challenging behaviour
Just reading back,
Maybe try a sleepover, I know it sounds crazy, but it sounds like the other child needs to see how things are run in your house!
Then you'd always have a reference for that child, to relate their behavior too.
So when the child is being aggressive, you could say something like, Name, do you remember when you were at my house, and you and (your DD) played nicely?
ITMS?
Yeah, Kmn, I have thought that too. She's mostly ignoring him at this stage but I fear that'll be a different story when he's more interactive and can touch her stuff or do other things to frustrate her. I hope my friend would draw the line there... I HOPE.
MLR - I think she would probably behave ok for me at a sleepover but at this stage my DD is quite wary of her and wouldn't be keen on the idea. I also don't think her DD has the language, insight and self-control to apply the behaviour across the situations, largely just because she is so young but also due to her difficulties with language and impulse control. It would also be very ugly if it went wrong and I din't want to put her or my kids in that situation. Like the thinking outside the square though, sorry to shut it down.
Does her DD go to daycare at all? Just an idea. It would give her a break, you guys both time to catch up without the DD around & someone else to assess her DD & suggest any issues they might pick up on.
I have no other suggestions. I'm the one with the difficult children. I have to say I'd be careful. I know how hard it is to have kids like that around (I have friends who's kids are more hectic than mine), but I know what its like to be the mother of those kids.
Mine are pretty good one at a time. But all of them together & life is loud & chaotic. I avoid visiting people with all my kids, because I hate that other people have to put up with my kids. Especially when they go through awesome stages like drawing on walls
I try hard not to overstay my welcome at others houses. As soon as I feel like they might've had enough, I'm out of there. Weather they actually want me to or not.
But the only one who has said anything about how difficult they are is my mum. And I'm sick of hearing it. I'm the one living it, I don't need her going on & on about it (not that you are).
I already struggle with depression due to similar circumstances. If a friend told me my kids were too much for them it would probably hit me pretty hard. When you become a single mum, you start to see that some friends were never really friends to start with. Its when you're on your own you suddenly realise just how much you need friends. Losing one wouldn't be very easy.
So, the way I see it. I'd suggest day care, for her own sanity! & try to stick it out. The behaviour hopefully won't last forever. 3 is a challenging age.
Ok well first off im sorry your in this place. Second sadly...I am the mother of "That child" yep the one always doing something wrong,always pushing it just that bit more always hurting some eles child( cringe) always hurting his brother ect ect you get the idea.
Honestly i would appreciate if my friend was honest with me. Yes its upsetting,yes it would make me sad and maybe some what defencive but i would be so grateful for the honesty. Ild also love to hear like you have said here that you know and have seen that i am trying to teach said child right and wrong as that would make the sting a lil less. I would like that you still wanted to see me.
Maybe during that you could lightly press the subject of maybe seeing if she would ask the pead to have a look into what may be causing the behaviour maybe say your worried if it goes on it will affect her dds friendships(trust me it will be hard for her).
I hope you work out what you would like to do. Just dont be to hard on her from a mum whom is most ashamed of the things her child has done.It makes you feel that everyone is thinking what a bad mum you are when sometimes its not that its an underlining medical condition. best of luck hun.
BellyBelly Life Subscriber. Love a friend xxx
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