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Thread: 3 1/2 year old, massive problems

  1. #1
    *Nessa* Guest

    Unhappy 3 1/2 year old, massive problems

    I am really at my wits end with my eldest child.

    I dont think its all her problem either.

    She is very very demanding, and constantly throws tantrums and has fits over anything.
    Even the most smallest things she will tanty over. She throws things, storms off most of the time to another room.

    If she doesnt want her dinner she will make herself throw it up.

    Yet she only does this for me and her dad.

    At daycare and occasional care and my parents house she is a angel.

    My parents wont tolerate her doing that and they seem to have more of a impact on her then me.

    I dont tolerate it either but how many times i day do i have to put her in the corner or take her toys away from her. She doesnt listen to me at all.\



    Seriously we are talking a tantrum at least every half an hour when she doesnt get her own way.

    I take her to playgroup and do alot to entertian her but its just not good enough and i cant seem to get her to care about disapline. I have thought about throwing out her toys but i dont know if i can cause i paid a fair bit of money for most of them and she doesnt get stuff brought for her all the time either. so she isnt spoilt.

    i am really beginning to think that my parenting skills are [email protected] I cant keep her happy and feel bad that i spend most of the day yelling at her and telling her off.

    I have made special times for her to get one on one attention and even my sis and her nana take just her out for special big girl outings, so i have no idea what to do.

    i feel bad in saying i am really not liking this part of her. I love her to death but cant handle this.

  2. #2

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    I'm sorry I can't offer any help, but was just reading this & wanted to give you **Big Hug** & say that recently I spent a weekend with a friend & her DS who is now 4 (in Dec) & she was saying how amazing it was. He is another person & she can't believe the change in him since "coming out the other side"..think thats how she put it. We even went out for tea & her Mum said 6months ago they never would have taken him to a cafe etc. So hope it all gets better for you soon......just remember no matter what, you love your kids & you are a great Mum!!

  3. #3

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    Obviously I don't have experience with this (although I was a tantrum-er as a child) but wanted to send you :hugs:

    I've heard that kids test the limits with parents and not with other carers because they feel secure enough with Mum & Dad to do it.

    Hopefully its just a stage. good luck!

  4. #4
    Ellibam Guest

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    i know this is hard(makon is 2.5 and doing this to)
    do you have tantrums(silly question i know) but i know makon copies so much and learns how to deal with thimgs from us so if i have a bad night where i have a tantrum(yup grown women have tanties to) it takes a few days to undo the negative effect it has on him(iykwim)
    i also am not liking this stage with makon it is soo hard and i question my self and my ways daily!

    a great tip i was given was that toddlers need time to get ready for the next'thing' in there day, so if you want to change from playing with dolls to reading give them warning 'in 5 minutes we are going to pack up then i want you to pick a book and we will do some reading'
    they need choices to so if she is fighting over her clothes give her a choice of 2 outfits that you have chosen.

    but i guess most importantly talk to her tell her it makes you feel mad angry sad that she is yelling at you(this is when you cant be having a tantrum back) that you would like her to use an inside voice and tell you what she wants not screaming about it.

    Your a great mum nessa! toddlers are hard but it is just a phase!! it will be over(then you will wonder where those years went and hopefully you wont have spent the whole time arguing about toys with her and had a few good moments)

    HTH

  5. #5

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    Hun, your parenting skills aren't crap, she's just doing what 3.5 year olds do. Some are worse than others, that's all.

    My DD has just turned 3 and I've been pretty lucky *so far* - yes, she has tantrums but they are only occasional and never that bad.

    My best friend has twins 3 months older and OMG, can her little girl put it on, and her son is worse at times!

    It will end, as Erin said, I've seen friends' children go through it and when they hit 4, 5 they are like different kids.

  6. #6
    *Nessa* Guest

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    Elli- yes i am guilty of having tantrums. And i yell much more then i should but i just feel like i cant talk to her til im blue in the face and it doesnt do anything.

    I will try and give her a changeover time so she gets used to the idea of doing something different and will try my very best not to yell. i yell cause i am so frustrated and so over it.

    She does have her good days though i must admit but its like 1 good day to 3-4 bad.

    im just feeling so defeated.

  7. #7

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    I know this advice is going to be annoying, but just continue with being consistent. And praise her when she does what you ask. Like elli says give her lots of warning even set a timer if you have to. Communication is really important, talking through everything you do, and every time she's in time out etc talk to her about why, get her to respond to you so you know she understands. And praise praise praise!

    It can get easier and it will I promise! Goodluck!

  8. #8

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    I don't have any advice just sympathy.
    Going through a similar thing here, since she turned three she's just driving me mad. I feel like all I say is NO all day long. I praise her up heaps when she does what I ask (which is rare), I talk to her about her behaviour when she gets in trouble but five minutes later she's forgotten all about it.
    I had a really bad day with her today and I can't wait till she goes to bed
    Tomorrow is another day hun (and will probably be more of the same) :hugs:

  9. #9

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    Welcome to my world!! Between my 2 youngest boys this is my day!!

    Today when Jacob threw a tantrum at me I calmly picked him and said NO and put him in his room.. For a change that actually worked and even tho he screamed at me when I left the room he calmed down in about 5 mins and when I went to check on him he was laying on his bed

    My 4 yr old isaac threw the biggest tantrum the other day and I did the same thing but he didn't stop.

    I don't have any solutions except maybe don't react to her and just calmly take her to her room. Maybe the more you react the more she does it.. and I do understand it is so hard not to react..

  10. #10

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    MmmHmmmm, got the same thing here.
    Mitch is on a hair trigger and it doesn't help that his parents are not united on the parenting front iykwim?

    Giving the warning thing is really, really important to Mitch.

    The other thing I find is people try to talk to him too much. Are you giving DD mini lectures in why she shouldn't do this or that? I find that irritates both dd and myself.

    EG - If DS is doing something wrong I warn him once, then take away whatever it is he is buggerising around with. No matter what. I don't yell (I have perfected the art of screaming inside my head lol), I don't bother explaining why bacause he KNOWS what he is doing is wrong.
    dp will threaten, yell and never follow through. Ds ceases to listen once the voice is raised, and dp lectures him endlessly.
    Then ds usually manages to play us off against each other, but we are trying really hard to stop this.

    I am desperately looking for a 3 yr old kinder for him right now. I read over the weekend what a massive difference it makes in the behaviour of a 3 yr old. Apparently any budding crap behaviour can be nipped in about 95% of lilttle buggers.

    I mean that in the nicest possible way (you knew that tho!).

    Ds is capapble of being little Lord Fauntleroy any old time he pleases. He had lunch at the bluddy Yacht Club with mum a few months ago and charmed the pants off all and sundry.
    Then we take him to the supermarket and he tells everyone they are a$$holes .

    xoxoxo

  11. #11
    *Nessa* Guest

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    Do you know how nice it is to hear that its not just me??


    I dont wish this behaviuor upon any parent but it is refreshing to know that i am not the only one going through it.

  12. #12

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    You are so so not a bad mum! :hugs: You're doing all that you can love! :hugs: And we all know that you love her to pieces!
    My DD is almost 3&1/2 as well and I feel like I am correcting her all day long. I even try and put positive spins on things to shake things up a little but that lasts for a micro second. You're right to be creating those special one on one times with her and all I can suggest is make sure you give yourself regular breaks where you just do something for you. This will give you stamina to go for the next round Do you think that some of this could stem from having a baby sister and now another 'attention taker' on the way?? I'd also say that if you can stay calm and don't give her reactions that might help in the long run? But I won't go on too much about that coz, did I say I have an almost 3&1/2 yr old??

    Thinking of you love, xx

  13. #13

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    Hey Nessa

    Sounds to me like you're a fantastic Mum with a great little girl who just has a temperament that can be a bit tricky at times!

    If you are interested in a parenting programme, there's a great programme called 123 magic. It works on the premise of reducing the amount of talking (and yelling) and emotion in parenting, whilst encouraging kids to start monitoring their own behaviour. It's designed for 2-12 year olds.

    I've used the the technique for about 12 years with kids with very severe behaviour problems (I work in mental health for kids) and generally, it works amazingly...ESPECIALLY when combined with the positive parenting stuff (ie. "catch them being good").

    Anyway...if you want some information about the programme, I can pm you a website...

    Hang in there...you're doing a great job and no doubt bringing up a little girl who just has a whole lot of spark!!!

  14. #14
    *Nessa* Guest

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    I think alot may be my short temper and exhustion atm,

    I cant deal with the heat so we dont get out of the hose as much as we used to. And i tend to snap to easy. I do try but i get angry and frustrated with her then with me and it just goes on and on.

    and there is only so many activities i can plan fir her.

    it will get better!!!! I know it will, she is such a smart little girl i think she is really bored and needs more hands on. She does start one day kindy a week next term and then full time kindy in term 3 so maybe we will see a improvement then, when she is being stimulated more.

    Monnie- would love to hear more about it!!!

  15. #15

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    Monnie: I would love to have a look as well if thats ok..

    Nessa: I understand completely where you are coming from. I don't get out as much either as it is hot and simply a huge effort. And of course when the boys act up the last thing I feel like doing is giving them a treat

  16. #16

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    Nessa - we've got the same thing over here too. DD has been doing this for about 2 years, and I think we might be slowly starting to win the war. (I hope!) She turned 4 in August. I don't have a wonderful solution for you, just an encouragement to stay firm and consistant, and trust that you WILL come out the other side of this! I also try hard to "catch" my daughter being good, and praising and encouraging that behaviour. (ie. "great sharing, honey!" "I'm so glad you listened to me without fussing!" or "that was such a kind thing to do - what a big girl you are!")
    One tip I would pass along - when she throws a tantrum or starts crying about nothing, I usually say "This is not something we need to cry about. If you are going to cry, please go to your room, and cry there." That way, she is not getting my attention for that behaviour, and she's not making me absolutely crazy by screaming in the middle of the floor.
    I know what you mean about feeling like a bad mother too - I wonder sometimes if DD will have happy memories of her childhood. Sometimes it seems like all I do is discipline her! I am trying to make time for doing things with her too, and actually that helps a little. She seems to want extra attention these days. (and that's not always possible, nor do I want her to think that the world revolves around her.) For a while, she was having potty accidents daily, and we found that really improved when DH paid some extra attention to her when he came home from work, or on Saturdays.
    Oh, and my DD is also quite bright. She taught herself to read about a month ago, using an online program called Starfall. She absolutely loves that. If your DD is bored, maybe let her try that. (google it, and you should find it.)
    Anyways, just a few thoughts, and I hope you are having a better day today! All the best!

  17. #17

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    ness, you are a great mum!!

    its so hard to try and tackle 2 young kids especially when yuo are tired and heavily pregnant aswell xoxo but you are doing a great job!

    Maybe see if your local community health group or salvation army offer Triple P parenting programmes... I know that my local community health offer the course for free, we were all enrolled to do it however i did some reading on it and started to do some of the things they recommend and by the time our course was due to start DD behaviour had improved.

    All the best xoxo

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