I don't believe in behaviour modification, or personality modification. I don't believe in moulding my child to be something I want rather than who he is.

Having said that, we also have rules that he can choose to keep or break. He is told the consequences and these are carried out. I am not changing who he is, just how the world reacts to him. Which he cannot control after the event, just as I cannot control how the world reacts to me. I have learnt to keep my tongue in a scabbard, so to speak, although my mind is still very scathing at times.

Consequences, to me, are not behaviour modification. They are a fact of life and something you choose for yourself. Whether you meant to or not.

I suppose you do change personality and behaviour in response to consequences. Can take years. But it's me choosing to change myself, not someone else telling me that "good girls have neat houses" then expecting me to live up to that or be branded "bad".

If I throw my shoes away, I go barefoot. No good or bad label. Just barefoot because we can't afford new shoes. That is not changing someone, just giving them a consequence.

If DS wants to stay at the pool, he holds hands and doesn't run when we are out of the pool. He is not bad for getting excited. But he has fallen and hurt himself, which made him realise WHY I want him to hold hands (he didn't understand me telling him) and voila, he holds hands and tries not to run. That's HIM modifying his behaviour to stay safe, not me changing him to fit in with my plan. Before age three, he stops me at the road and asks if there are cars coming. He is giving me rules - to keep me safe. He sees I obey "his" rules, so he sticks to them. I ask him if he feels safe, and if he doesn't how to make him safe. He modifies my actions too. But I allow it. He isn't forcing me to fit into his vision of a mother, just as I don't force him into my vision of a son. He's himself - just himself who can function in society.

By having no rules, your adult child will suffer - and every baby is an adult waiting to happen. By modifying a personality, your child suffers every step of the way. By giving loving consequences and listening to your child, I believe you bring your child up to deal with the world.

Sounds like you're doing the consequence thing, like most parents do. And you can always insist on consequences in your house, because there are some things you cannot allow. If another child from ANY background tried to destroy things, then things are removed. They are "broken" therefore you can no longer have them. You throw toys around like that, they break. You want to play, we all play together in a non-damaging way. Maybe I'm looking at this too simply, but that seems to work with me and Liebs.