So, after a heated conversation yesterday afternoon, that ended with me being told that he "would take my phone of me and smash it" because I went over my cap last month (quite a lot over, I had no idea, and TBH I am going to call Vodafone and ask them to check the billing ,etc, I have had the same cap for 5 years and NEVER even come close to using it all, let alone going over by $400)
Anyway, I was furious. I am furious. DH has NEVER EVER pulled the "I earn the money" card on me in such a domineering way before and I don't like it.
He earns the money, it goes into an account in his name, I have recently given over the responsibility of paying the bills and the finances to him (I suck with money anyway, but I don't think he really aprreciated how much every really cost and how much of a PITA it is to have to worry about it, so let him do it now). Which I am happy with. Never concerned me before really. He transfers most of the money into another account I have access to, I have the debit card for it, and he doesn't question what I spend etc, so I don't feel controlled like that.
We are coming very very slowly back from a split in our relationship, that has been going on for most of the year. And I am still not sure how much I am forcing myself to stay, how much because I am scared to leave and how much is because I really do love him. This last night though has made me seriously reconsider what I am doing.
I went in to his study about 15mins after his comment and asked him if he wants me to bill him weekly, fortnightly or monthly. He asked for what. I said, "Raising your children, cleaning your house, doing your washing and cooking your meals." He is such an arrogant ***** sometimes, I honestly don't know if I can do this. He said that I should write up an itemeised list of expenses for him to look at. I told him he better think about it carefulyl, not sure he can actually afford me.
I am in a situation where I can get no assistance from CL - I don't work, but I am studying FT, but that doesn't matter, because he earns too much money.
I need some advice. I want to begin to become financially independent. And if I am being completely honest, I want to do it so he doesn't know, and so I can leave him. I am not happy and this is just sucha clear smack in the face of how our relationship functions, it is scary. I don't like him.
So, how do I begin to do this? Is it amatter of just squirreling away a couple of hundred dollars a week into a secret bank account? Is there some way I can apply to CL to be considered independent of my husband? I hate this. I hate that I have let myself become so dependent on a someone else. I hate that I don't have teh security and autonomy in my own life to pack up and leave my husband, all becuase I have no money of my own.
Absolutely open your own bank account for a start. Are your children in childcare? Do you get the childcare tax rebat annually. I would try and get this deposited into your account next time it is due
I would also be putting money away weekly from your house keeping money or ask DH to put money into an account for you weekly to buy groceries and pay your mobile phone, then try and live tightly and withdraw some extra funds and deposit them into your other account when you can.
My situation is different as I work however My DH and I have always had seperatre bank accounts. My salary sacrafice goes into the mortgage and we both put money weekly into the bills account. DH pays a large amount of the mortgage and my papy goes towards food/clothes/petrol gifts etc. I love my DH and we have never had any financial issues however I could not imagine not having that financial independence, I would feel very oppressed trying to account for every dollar. We have a shared credit card and a joint mortgage which means we would both be aware if the other was spending money we didnt have or redrawing on the home loan, although twe did this originally as the joint CC saved us heaps on fees.
Could you arrange to take back over bills etc and for money to be put into an account you could manage so you have some financial control or jsut having him put money in an account in your name for groceries? Could you start Avon or a junk mail round to try and give you a small independent income?
Yes, start your own bank account and putting money in it. Get yourself a PO Box at the post office for just you.
I would be making an appointment with a CL person and explain your situation and what you want and then see the services, entitlements you can get.
Perhaps even talk to the Salvo's or St Vinnies and see what advice they offer. Sadly they would see this sort of thing alot I imagine. They probably have advisors that would point you in the right direction.
It may be wise to start copying things like house deeds, his bank statements, share portfolio's, investments and anything financial that he may be able to hide if and when you decide to leave.
Definitely open your own bank account and get a PO box for your mail only. Try and save some of the money that he puts into your spendings account and move it over into your own bank account. You might have to withdraw the cash first then deposit so there is no trace that he could see. If he asks about the cash withdrawals just tell him it's for groceries, etc.
Talk to centrelink, you never know there might be something you're eligible for.
One of my girlfriends is currently doing this. She has recently opened her own bank account, she is putting money into that account from the household budget. Her current DH (because she is working towards him being her XH) controls all of her spending, while we were in Bali in Sept she had to ask for extra spending money to buy presents for the kids (mainly because we made her spend the money he had initially given her on herself with spa treatments, clothes etc). She realises it is going to be a journey to get to the point that she has enough of a nest egg to be able to leave him, but we’re all behind her 100% and supporting her in any way she can.
Hi hon, I am feeling much the same way about becoming financially independent so that I don't feel like I have to stay. If I were to separate from dh I would be in a crappy situation and miss out on seeing ds every day as I'm currently lucky enough to be a SAHM. I am currently reading a book called Rich Woman by Kim Kioyosaki. She is the wife of Robert Kiyosaki, the author of Rich Dad Poor Dad. It's very empowering and I am going to take steps to make sure I have enough money to stay or go. Not sure how long it will take but it feels good knowing that I'm doing something. Hope it all works out.
Ultimately the only way to become financially independent is to get a job. Squirreling away money means that you have the means to support yourself in the short-term if you leave but it doesn't provide you with the independence that a job/career does.
I would think that you need to look at your super and stocks - it's not unreasonable to ask that a percentage of his wages goes into a super account for you. Or you could self-manage super and invest it in stocks etc in your name. Poverty in old age is more common in women than men because so many of us are out of the work-force for extended periods (or even permanently) so women should look towards the future when doing household finances.
Also mortgage - do you have one? If so that should be in your name too. The work you do in the home is what enable him to work out of the home so assets should be jointly owned.
Also, if you want to be financially independent to strengthen your marriage that's great if you want to be financially independent so you can leave him I would think that it's undermining your marriage. Knowing that you can leave is good for a marriage - it prevents resentment. Planning to leave is bad for a marriage so you may as well leave now and claim child support and social security until you get a job.
Keeping secrets about money is not good for any marriage.
Squirreling away a bit of money here and there isn't going to give you financial security. It might give you the security of knowing that you can up and leave and get by for a week or two. But to put enough away for anymore than that, then you're going to have to be hiding significant amounts on a regular basis for a long time... If you are thinking that there is still hope for your marriage (which only you can answer) then this probably isn't the best idea. If you're looking to create a way out, well this is one way out.
But TBH, if you want out then I tend to think you might be better just withdrawing a chunk of money from the savings/mortgage/credit card/whatever and getting it over with. That way it's out in the open and he can't pin the ongoing deceit on you down the track. Also, the other thing to keep in mind in regard to super is that it is now considered a marital asset and as such you can claim part of his super as part of a divorce settlement.
Work is the only thing that will give you financial stability. Is there someone who is willing to help with babysitting while you work?
This is one thing I am terrified about when I finally do have kids. DH and I both work full time, but I control all the money and bills as he is hopeless with money. When the time comes for me to stop working, I will lose my independence, and it scares me. I want to be spending my own money, not someone else's.
I totally agree with Onyx. You need a complete financial health check really, not just for you but for you and your dh. And it's also right that there is no point hiding money and being sneaky about it. Managing your own super is also a great way to ensure your financial freedom in your older days. The book I'm reading also talks about all of that. Some time ago I also set up a self managed super fund and even doing that has given me some power back. Sure it wont help me right now but it will in the future.
I am in a totally diff situation to you - as I have financial independence if i want it (ie i am a high earner in my own right) but iw ould agree you need a plan that will lead to longer term stability for yourself. putting money aside may help initially but before long you wont have anything unless you have an income stream.
I agree - spk to some support services about what your options are and then plan and gett hings set up.
Many hugs to you, this is an awful situation.
x
I think Onyx has hit the nail on the head, hun. The only way to become financially independent in the long run is to find a job.
In the short term, squirrelling away money is good to enable you to make a break... make the move... then you'll be able to talk to CL about the fact that you are separated and need some assistance.
Tough gig though. I think a lot of us would be in the same boat, being SAHMs and dependent on the OH for the actual income. Please don't be too hard on the current situation that you find yourself in...
How to become financially independent from DH?
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