Are we being rude?

[Babybino]

Hi Ladies, I have posted this somewhere else, but I thought I would post it here and get your opinions. I am happy to hear good/bad, I just have no idea what to do, and I don't want this to end as a negative experience.

DH and I moved interstate. All our family live on the other side of Australia. DH's Parents are together, mine are separated, and Dad is practically married (she will come too), so 3 sets of parents.
We know when we have Bubs they all want to be here, and as soon as they can. As Bubs never really arrive on time it is hard to give an exact date. I know they all want to come for approx 2 weeks, and will try make the most of their time here as it may be another 12 months before they are back. Which means everyone will be pulling and tugging at the bubs, and DH and I could feel like we are missing out on valuable time ourselves to bond.
I have thought about the fact that it is horrendous to think they can all stay at the same time, so how do we decide who can come 1st/2nd/3rd?? And if they all come at different times that's 6 whole weeks of non-stop having people in our house.

So when my Mother asked me for the Due Date as she needs to book time off work (well in advance for where she works) I explained a couple of things to her.

"As the scan showed Bubs 1 week less far along as we calculated, I would say go with their dates, as that's what they suggest. They allow you to go 10 days over, therefore I could go March 8th. How long do you plan on being here for? We are not sure how we are going to fit everyone"

She said "2 weeks, but I doubt your father would want to stay while I am there."
(So she automatically assumes she gets to stay 1st and everyone else works around her. Not fair in my opinion, they are all equal to me.)

I explained "We are kinda stuck, as we can not have you all stay at the same time. So you could all take turns, but who gets to come 1st/2nd/3rd? Someone has to be the one who waits 4 weeks longer than the others to get here, that's not fair. So we thought maybe to make it fair on everyone, including ourselves, you can all come whenever but you might all have to get accommodation. Otherwise I will have people here for 6 weeks straight, not what anyone wants when they have their 1st Baby."

Well I got the silent treatment (kinda normal with Mum when she hears something she does not like. And I let it ride out (no way I was filling that silence for her, I thought I was being fair.) Anyways, it maybe went on 5 minutes on the phone before I said that I was going then (made it clear I was not impressed) and she quickly tried filling the gap. I got off the phone anyways.

Are we being rude by expecting this? I mean if we lived there they would not be at our house for 2 weeks straight all at the same time, and they would not take turns to stay 2 weeks each one after the other. So I don't think it is fair that because we live over here, and they do not want to pay for accommodation that we have to suffer. I have not spoken to her about it since, but I know she is not happy about it, and I was wondering what you all thought.

Sorry this is so long, I just have no idea how I can make this a happy occasion for everyone, without upsetting anyone. And I have a friend who was in a similar situation with her little boy, she ended up sending her parents home earlier than they had booked, so they had to change flights, it all got too much for her.

Looking forward to hearing your responses thanks girls!

[Cocolove]

I think you're being 100% reasonable, my MIL came down 1st as she was here to have our girls while I was in hospital & help out when I came home as I had a C-section.
it was easter 2 weeks later so my mum came down then MIL left when my parents arrived.
My dad pfft well he didnt even come down, nor did he send a card, he met DS when I ran into hin in the stree when he was 11 months old and we were on holidays down home.

Stand your ground and do it your way.

[starangelk]

I think you are being very very reasonable. This is a difficult situation and with 3 sets of parents, probably the first of many. I am so glad you stood your ground, the time to bond with your child is so important and you can't get those early weeks back. Good on you.

[blue_hebe]

Sounds good and reasonable to me too. It would make it so much easier for you if everyone can find their own accommodation. That way you can control your visiting hours a little and also get time with you new baby. It's not fair if everyone else gets all those newborn hugs!

[skybie]

just a suggestion, would u be able to go to them a few weeks after baby is born say for a week or so??
that way u get good bonding time with ur baby, which is so so so important, and u wont have to entertain ppl for 6 weeks straight??

[delphmoon]

You are being completely reasonable and should stick to your guns. My parents are separated and don't like to be around each other and I certainly did not want my parents hanging around for weeks on end. My husband and I wanted to share our time with our new baby- not entertain people for weeks.

For this reason I was completely blunt with my family and friends regarding visiting etc. I may have offended them but hey- my baby comes first.

I told my mum if she really wanted to meet her grandchild she would have to tolerate being around dad otherwise she will have to wait a couple of weeks before meeting her grandchild. I also told everyone there would be no one staying over etc- we all need our space.

Anyways- it all worked out and we had our time with our baby and shared her too. Don't let anyone steal this precious time from you. Your baby, your terms!

Good luck

[~Hestia~]

It's a tricky situation but I agree with the previous posters - this is your special time. You won't get those early weeks back. I'd be telling them all to arrange accommodation elsewhere.

[Ryatha]

My sister was in a similar situation with her DS. She was in England when he was born, everyone was back here. So my mum booked flights for 1 week after he due date to stay for one week and her IL's book two weeks later for one week. That way everyone got to see her DS when he was little but my sister and her DH got time to them selves as well.

Do it your way. It is your baby, your home and your family. GL

[Cherished]

good on your babybino for standing up for yourself. dh and I have committed to not having any visitors until we are good and ready, we may not even tell them bubs has been born for a few days just to make sure they don't arrive at the hospital or rock up at home uninvited. We are having 2 months just for the 3 of us. my parents live interstate and will be arriving in the area 2 weeks after bubs due date. They are not staying with us and will probably only come over a few times and even then only for an hour or 2 at a time but we don't feel bad telling them we are going to bed or bubs needs a feed or simply go away we'll see you tomorrow etc dh's parents are seperated but they both live within an hour of us and will want to come around often I'd say but again they can come over once a week for an hour or so or whenever we want but we will only be making plans with people (including my parents) on the day just in case we don't feel like seeing anyone. This might all sound extreme and we have considered that family may feel like we are not allowing them into our lives or to share the joy of the new baby but we consider our baby bonding time to be more important than any of 'their' needs. They had their children and had them their way, we get to do it our way, I couldn't think of anything worse than having visitors for 6 weeks following the birth.

[feeb]

No way thats not fair for you to have people for 6 weeks!!
You have offered very reasonable suggestions.

I aggree with previous posters, and also like idea of you travelling to visit that way you can control where you go and when and for how long (not ideal but means you dont have people for 6 weeks.)

Good luck stand your ground!

[BrightSparkles]

It's a tricky situation but I agree with the previous posters - this is your special time. You won't get those early weeks back. I'd be telling them all to arrange accommodation elsewhere.

:yeahthat:

[misty]

We told everyone when we had our first, that everyone was welcome to visit, but that they would need to find a hotel or something to stay at. I think it is perfectly reasonable.

In our situation, what ended up happening was FIL came up for a couple of days - stayed in a local cheap boarding house; My parents came up for a week and stayed in a hotel, my sisters stayed at friends houses; and my MIL chose not to visit straight away (due to lack of funds) and visited us a couple of months later for 3 weeks. MIL grumbled a little when we told her we didn't want anyone staying, but couldn't really argue as none of the other parents were 'allowed' either.

[CharlieCat]

Hi Babybino

First off, congratulations. Lots of sticky vibes for you.

I think you are being very reasonable, not only will you need the time for you, DH and baby to get used to being a family, you will also be very tired from all the disturbed nights and the last thing you will want to deal with is a string of people staying with you either trying to 'help' or demanding your attention.

You stick to what you want and don't let them make you feel bad about it, this is your time and you need to do what is right for you and they should understand that.

Good luck and I hope everything sorts itself out for you soon

*hugs*

[isharathena]

I agree, you're not being unreasonable at all, in fact when I started reading the story the first thought that jumped to my mind was, "Why can't they all stay in motels and get over it?"

Stick to your guns, hon.

[ladybirdflies]

Gosh I feel for you... you are in a spot that so many people find themselves in and find it hard to work out what to do. In fact t took me until my third baby before I found the voice and words for our needs not the needs of everyone else. First, this is not about anyone else, except you, your partner and your baby. You really need to sit with what you think is gong to be right for you, perhaps you may change your mind, and that is difficult when people have to book, but that is not your worry to deal with. If you feel that they need to stay elsewhere, then perhaps you can suggest that. Whatever you come up with, it's best to tell the parents etc the plan ad make it clear now so it doesn't get all crossed over in communication later. Whatever you decide, is not negotiable, you are not asking their opinion you are suggesting the time frame and again, that is for them to deal with. You can't be pleasing everyone, there is no such thing! And you are not being selfish by asking for what you need, newborn phase flies by and it is a tricky time, to be worried about everyone else in that time is not going to do you any good. I used to worry about if they got enough cuddles etc, but with my last baby, most people did not get to even hold her when they visited, even the in laws who travelled to come and see us. Not because I was trying to **** them off or anything, I was trying to adjust to a NEW baby, and the best way to do that is to be with it as much as you can. Yes, pass them around when you need a break!
Anyway, I hope you find the courage to stand behind your intuition and let your family know what you need. Their reactions need to be taken to their own friends to talk about, not you, you need to be protected and supported as you walk your first steps into motherhood.
Go Well x

[jackrose]

This is the one time in your life when you are well justified to put yourself and your little family first!

Well done for setting rules up and trying to be reasonable about visits, now it is the turn of your parents and ILs to be reasonable.

If it were me, I would push for the 'find your own accommodation' rule or at least not allow visitors back to back. I would also implement a rule that any visitors complete a list of tasks while visiting like preparing all meals, folding all laundry, doing groceries... etc. This is not a holiday for family but a babymoon for you guys

[NaeNae]

Its always hard when you want that special time to yourself but EVERYONE else thinks they are also "entitled" to be there. Good on you for standing your ground.I would make it perfectly clear that they are all welcome to come over (even if its at the same time) BUT they ALL must book their own accommodation and check with you on suitable days for visiting.
I personally dislike the idea of you going to them with such a young baby, I recall what I was like and the first six weeks I was a walking zombie there was no way I was up for visiting other people or travelling even 30 min let alone flying to another State ... thats just my personal opinion.
You might find that some people think they are the "exception to the rule" so you will need to be strong but polite about other people respecting your wishes. I didn't want ANYONE but DH the day DD was born to visit but ended up with MIL, SIL and my mother all at once. I was soooooooooo tired and really did not want them there. I even hinted they had out stayed their welcome but my comments were ignored.
I know it seems impossible now but I think the way to go is to let them come whenever they like, stay in their own accommodation and have scheduled visits with you and bub, some days you may want them to visit lots, other days you might not want to see anyone, so doing it this way you'll be able to have the time with each of the family members and time to yourself.
hugs Nae x x

[Babybino]

Wow Ladies, thank you so much for your responses, you have truly made me feel like I am not a massive Dragon. In all honesty we would not fly to them maybe for Christmas or something, but not straight away. I think after a big discussion last night with DH we might keep thinking about it, and when we have the scan next Thursday (eeeeekkkkkk, so close) we will call them all with the news, and discuss the plan with them then. I am thinking maybe we will ask exactly what dates they want to come for, and how long they intend on staying for. I will then tell them I will need to get back to them on that one, and discuss options with DH. Then call them back and tell them sadly this is the way it is going to have to go, like it or leave it. I have everything crossed I get a better reaction from them than what I did from my Mother last time, but if not then I have the right to tell them to change their tune or NO-ONE will come. I guess I am just hurt that certain people just "assume" they are more important than the others, and never once asked what we would like. Rather they would just go ahead and plan what is happening off their own backs.

Oh well, should be interesting next week, I'll let you all know how it goes thank you so much for helping, I really appreciate it x