I feel for you, similar things have been said at certain times in my life too and they must realise you are not on anyones "side" but your own.... I really thought having my Dad would be ok in the first week but it ended up that I hated it and resented the intrusion...I was trying to bf and was just wanting me and dh to bond with our baby and a 3rd person was imo crashing our party. You can cope in the first weeks without them if thats what you want. I actually think it would have been sooo much easier on our own, eating when we could rather than making sure everyone was happy. I just feel really strongly about this as you dont need to enrtertain anyone, they should respect your personal space and get accommodation elsewhere...all of them..
i think you have every right to say you dont want all those people all at once or spread out over six weeks. just be firm and stand up for yourself!! its such an important time with your bubs. i think its fair to say that instead of picking who can either come first or stay at yours they should all get thier own accom, it will be nice to have a bit of help but for them all to be there in you house for so long will no doubt drive you crazy and take away from that time with your bub and DH!!!!
good luck and in the end they will understand and will be so taken with the new baby they probably wont care at the time anyway!!!!
I totally agree with the others and think you are being very reasonable. In fact, when I was halfway through your post I thought 'why don't they all just come whenever and all stay in some sort of accommodation so you can have your space and not have people there fore ages?'. I was amused to read a few lines later that this is exactly what you suggested. Yes, people might not be happy but I'm sure that if they thought about it reasonably they wouldn't like to have people staying with them for 6 weeks straight even WITHOUT having a new baby to bond with and learn to care for as well. Like it or lump it I say
I totally agree with everyone else. This is yours & DH's time to bond as a family with your new bub, not theirs... Not unreasonable at all! I'd be telling them bub is due later than what he/she is (as I said in our BB group) (to give you some time together 1st)and I'd also get them to find their own accommodation, (maybe just suggest an acceptable place nearby with ph# that gets you out of telling them straight) and tell them all the same date to come so thats only 2 weeks of 3 lots of visitors instead of 6 weeks. Get it all over & done with I say, then you can get on with your bonding!! Good luck with it, I hope it all turns out with what ever you decide to do, & atleast if you get frustrated while they are there, you can always come on here to vent!! GL with your scan this week, I can't wait to hear all about it!!
unfortunately im in the same situation except i only have 2 sets of parents coming not 3 DPs parents booked their flights without even consulting me and asking me how i felt which i almost blew up about. i feel i need those first few weeks to bond with bub as well and would love if it could just be the 3 of us for a week or so and i told my mum this and she completely agreed however with the ILs having already booked there flights i told mum she had to come as well as i think my IL will drive me INSANE if i dont have my mum there to vent to. i told the ILs they had to make other arrangements for accomodation and not to expect ANYTHING from me or DP host wise.
it really is a sucky situation and i know that all u want to do is make everybody happy. however this is your first baby and u are brand new at this and hormones and everything are going to be flying. make sure u put urs and ur babies needs before anyone elses. i think its best if they all want to come at the same time that they need to organise other accomodation and not to expect anything from you.
best of luck with everything. i hope it works out for you
We live 16 hours away from our families, and when we had DS they all wanted to come up ASAP to see him. I did not want to be rude but I did not want guests right away and so I was very honest. I told them all that we wanted 3 weeks to be alone as a family and get used to everything before any out of town visitors came up. I also limited their stays to 1 week (with no overlap) so that everyone could come up but we were not constantly entertaining people. By 3weeks I was happy to share DS and since I was BF I still got to snuggle him lots.
With DD no one even asked to come early, they all knew to wait a few weeks before booking trips and we made it first booked first come. My sister booked her tickets first so I told everyone else to avoid those dates, then DH's parents and sister booked so I told my dad to avoid those dates. He's a bit disappointed as now he hasa to wait until early Sept to come up but he's not mad at me or anything (it's his fault he didn't book anything) and he'll get to visit with her when she's still small but a bit more interactive.
Can you do something similar? Tell your families you want a few weeks to yourselves to adjust to your new routines before people come visit (I told anyone who was over eager to get here that having a baby was pretty overwhelming and we needed some space) Then tell them 2 weeks is WAY too long for a visit when there are 3 families waiting to come, and that they need to limit their stays to 1 week? If you want to rotate them, you could decide who comes up 1st/2nd/3rd by drawing names out of a hat. Then that is only 3 weeks you will have visitors. If they don't like this then they don't have to come.
I'll just spew my personal experience and allow you to make and take of it as you wish.
My DP and my mother were in the room for my birth, I was induced 3 weeks early also but completely packed and set up for baby. Induction was no shock.
Prior to my birth I was hopitalised, every hour of evey day I had a FAMILY visitor. AND that was after telling the 2/3's to nick off! In our family, this baby belonged to others as well, afterall it does take a village to raise a child. BUT it belonged to us the most and so did this time. At each visit our guest only stayed a short time.
After the birth of Harper Jewel I had a VERY tough time physically, which made adjusting to my new role more challenging. Although I begrudged it initially I soon came to appreciate the little visits and help that came from each loved one/guest. I did become very ANNOYED at particular visitors who tried to 'teach' me or came to 'waste' my time with hours of ****-chat. There was ony one, and they got the subtle msg quick enough.
Allow others the opportunity to share this time as well, BUT above all you need to be comfortable. Set boundaries. This is YOUR time.
How about telling them that you are setting hospital hours and they may visit in those hours only. That way they can only stay for a couple of hours at a time and you guys still get heaps of family time together. Also the separate accommodation is a great idea.
I don't think you're being rude at all. I would think your mums initial reaction was just disappointment. Hopefully she'll get over that though and look at the bigger picture and the logistics of dealing with so many visitors. It wouldn't hurt to acknowledge the disappointment when explaining to everyone, but they should be able to understand the position your in and put that first, and realise they're not being singled out to miss out on staying with you.
I think the accommodation thing is a great idea. Or stagger the visits over a few months with the agreement there'll be lots of photos and videos made available in the mean time. While it's lovely to see a brand new baby.. they are kinda boring LOL... the visitors that come at 3 or 4 months would have more fun with the baby
Thank you so much everyone for your responses. I guess I just have one of those families that are a tad hard to deal with. And the fact that we are not close with my Mother makes it hard, as she is the one wanting to come first and stay for 2 weeks etc.
I mentioned it the other day, and explained that as I was given a different due date at the dating scan to what I got at the 12 week scan, I will discuss this with the Doctor on Tuesday (today) and ask him which due date they will go by when it comes to inducing, or letting me go over by etc. I then explained that once he does that, I will say work out when would be the latest they will let me go over, and add on some time for DH and I to get used to it all, and then tell her when would suit to come over and stay. I did get a quiet tone on the end of the phone, but not as bad as the last time. I had the Doctors today who said even though the 12 week scan showed my original due dates were right, they still want to go by the 7.5 week dating scan dates. So I called Mum and said "Ok, so they say my EDD is 26th Feb, with the possibility of going 10 days over, plus adding on 1.5 weeks for DH and I to settle down before ANYONE stays. It would be great if you could be there from the 8th March onwards. If I go earlier then it just means we will be even more settled by the time you get there. And once DH goes back to work I will probably be grateful for the help." I think she is ok with it, and I am guessing she has spoken to friends about it as she said she will probably only stay for 1 week now (Yay, that sounds better than 2).
Thanks so much everyone for making me feel more comfortable with our decision. Sometimes it is hard when our family act like children and make us feel like we are being nasty, when really we are being realistic. I appreciate all of your advice
Sorry I haven't read all the replies but all I can say is that this is your baby. You created the special one and you are going to be looking after him/her so you need time to get used to it all. The early days are so special and tiring that you need to really embrace it all. As lovely as it is having other people around to share the love, you also don't want to feel pressure of keeping anyone else happy aside from youself and your little one.
My MIL & FIL live in the UK and didn't come to meet our man until he was 3 months. Both parties decided that any earlier it would be a waste as the baby doesn't interact much. Given the distance it's not like they can come to visit often. Perhaps you can play this card? "The longer the leave it the more love you'll get" Personally as much as it would kill them to wait 6 weeks to meet him/her when they are the first to see one of the first smiles, it will be worth it.
UGH. Who wants to entertain guests for 6 weeks straight, let alone while you're 41 weeks pregnant or after you've had a baby. That would be really irritating! If you want them around but not in your face, tell them to stay in a motel. That's not unreasonable. You're going to have enough going on without having to deal with a house full of well-meaning but probably totally overbearing and annoying visitors, while trying to manage a newborn, baby blues etc. Plus who do you choose?!?!?! Yes she's your mum but your MIL is your partners mum, who honestly is just as equal in this situation. She's a grandmother too.
The only exceptionwould be if you had a REALLY awesome family member who you knew would be supportive, helpful, and knew their place in your new little family. Then I'd let them stay, cos sometimes you do want/need the help in that first stage, even if it is to just go have a shower!
Just a question though, are any of them going to be a birth partner? Is that what your mum is assuming/expecting?
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