Is it a bit much to write post-birth guidelines for visitors?

[boobaloo]

Teni, i didn't mean to offend you in my earlier post - just thought i'd put my opinion out there. the other thing is, be ready for your mind to change about visitors when bub is actually here, with dd i asked all my family (ex. parents and g.parents) to come the next day, cause i was shattered and drugged t the hilt after ds was born, and i was soo disappointed i didn't have more people there to show her off to, cause i felt great. and honestly, people don't tend to hold newbies for that long, you will still have loads of time to bond xo

[Miss.September]

Just thought I'd add my two cents worth.....we had quite a few visitors in hospital, but very very few actually wanted to have a hold of DD. Most were totally content with looking at her snoozy face in the crib!! You could be lucky like that and it won't be an issue. I had hardly anyone visit once we were home, all giving us space to settle in and have us lead the way - without me even asking. So things might go your way without you having to do anything. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Cassius2]

Yep, I remember that from the tour we took - I'll definitely be using that to my advantage I just looked up the visiting hours and they're not when I thought they were, so it'll be easy to pretend I got mixed up and thought they ended at 2:30 rather than started then *evil grin*

i really like the idea of the sign on the door. that way no one feels like it is them being told off...that is pretty cool. but i guess you might need a private room for that?! hmmm

[meow]

I found BFing really hard at first so between having to strip off, scream while attaching and following up with the electric pump there was no way I wanted to feed in front of people... so I think having already basically told people they are welcome to be there if they are comfortable could have made it difficult when I said "Well, I have to feed him now" and scooted off to another room. Even harder in a hospital room when you would have to ask them to leave. So I think it's a good idea to wait and only say things as needed.

And if you're worried about being assertive... it's time to crack out the mumma bear! If it's best for your child you'll find the drive to be assertive

[SweetPea]

The hospital we went to had signs saying "Medical procedure in progress" for the exact purpose of unwanted visitors, when the mummy just needs time to sleep or breastfeed without interruption, no one wants to walk into that!!

When I was in the hospital with DS1 we had a bit of a tricky start to breastfeeding, don't forget that you will both being learning, I found it easiest to strip off my top and have as much skin to skin contact during this time - so I definitely turned people away when I needed to feed, I just wanted to concentrate on him and me, I also felt too self conscious at first about bf'ing infront of people till we really got into the swing of things. It's great you're thinking about these things now and that you have time to discuss with your DH and hospital so that they all know what you want.

[~Kim~]

Oh chick, in no way did I mean to upset or offend you. I agonised over my post all day but decided you were asking for opinions.
You are not a poo head either. Your concerns are valid and real, and have been worried about by lots of us exactly the same.
I hope you can come to a solution for you guys and that your worries are taken care of.

[peanutter]

so many replies!!

Ok, my two cents:-

1. this is your and your DH's baby. your rules, your way, end of discussion. if you need a list, you use a list. if you think people may get offended, then you and your DH chat and decide which would be more upsetting/significant for you: not having things the way you want/need them to be, or possibly injuring relationships. and then you act accordingly.

2. I agree with the other opinions that your inner mumma-bear will get her growl on, once bubba has arrived, and you may surprise yourself I hope that's the case! because today's extended and badly positioned cuddles, or nicotined fingers in bubba's mouth might be minties and doritos being offered in a year, or inadequate pool supervision or inappropriate tv programs in two years ... I think you'll be a lot stronger and firmer once bubba is out

3. I love Tinks' idea about having a hospital gown on hand for any visiting smokers who may want a cuddle. That's a fabulous idea, which I may have to borrow, next time around

4. Could PZ or another friend/family member of yours be your appointed post-birth-b!#ch? who knows your rules, and ensures they're followed? Just an idea ...

5. you're doing a great job, you have time to figure this (and other things) out, and you're going to be fantastic.

and re your concerns about other people's comments, or not as many people possibly coming, etc, if you're half as fabulous IRL as you are on BB, then you're going to be smothered in love when the time comes. chin up, sweet!

[Megan]

I made it clear to close family and friends that we really didn't want anyone else holding DS in the first 24 hours. I'm happy we did that. I had a c/s, he wasn't breathing when he was born, and then he had to have heel *****s 3 hourly for the first 12 hours to check his blood sugar levels. Establishing breastfeeding was proving difficult as well as he had a tongue tie and we were struggling with attachment. All of these little things added up over a short period of time causing us both stress, and I'm happy that people remembered and respected our wishes. By day two, when I was happy for people to have a hold they all had a quick snuggle, or if DS was sleeping on me or in his cot they didn't ask to pick him up. They were happy to just visit and see him.

I have assertiveness issues too, but I noticed a big shift after DS was born and will speak up if I have a problem with something involving him. It was a strange feeling when I disagreed with MIL during one of her visits that week when she was telling me how I should settle him!

I think it definitely can't hurt to gently let people know your intentions before hand, but I would tell them rather than hand them a list of rules. Your baby, your decision and hopefully the people in your life will be happy to respect your wishes. You don't need any added stresses on top of all those crazy hormones that are whooshing around!

[~Lashes~]

just a idea, you could make it 100% clear that if anyone wants to visit bub in the first few weeks to do it while your in hospital, because once your home it will be a "NO ACCESS ZONE" i did this with my family with ds2 and dd. at hospital you dont have to worry about them haning arround all day or being noisy, they have to do as there told and leave once the hours are up, and just let them know once your home you want to spend that time worrying about your baby and sorting out routine and getting your rest, you will let them know when your ready for home visitors.
i told my cousion this when i had dd, that i just wanted to have our family time and get all settled in for a few weeks, she purt the word out to the family and dd was i think a month old when my grandma finaly called and asked if i was up to visitors yet, as i never got back to my cousion!!! (i didnt need to do this as much with ds2 as we were in pascoe vale, to far for them all to travel!!) i wasnt in hospital with dd longer then 2 nights so no-one realy got a chance to see her till easter! (she was born early feb, gosh im mean!!) but by then she was a little bigger and more into lying down and taking in the world instead of eat, sleep & poo kwim?

[TeniBear]

Kim and boobaloo - You didn't offend me! I did get a little cranky when I saw people disagree with me, but that's just the way I am - especially when I'm hungry like I was earlier

Now I'm thinking a little more rationally, I've realised that a few of the people I thought would be the ones causing my distress might not visit at all. They'd probably send flowers or a gift to get out of seeing me in hospital. I still expect Idiot Friend and Scott's father to visit (oh yay.) but they can easily be put off by giving them the wrong visiting hours, or getting Scott to take the baby out to them for a few minutes while I'm "asleep" (provided Scott remembers my rules )

[LimeSlice]

Why on earth would you need to write such a list for hospital visitors? If you don't want people visiting, don't tell them to visit. Save yourself all this drama and just tell them that you do not wish to have visitors in hospital, and you will let people know when they can visit after you return home.

If they don't like that, bugger them.. The only people that will prolly not work for is immediate family, perhaps only grandparents.

In which case, tell them when they get there to wash their hands, not to come if they are sick or have a cold, and don't you dare apologise for breastfeeding your newborn!!

A list is way OTT in my opinion, and offensive. They are all adults, you're not a public swimming pool, and as such a list of rules pinned to the door insults their intelligence and your ability to be an adult and mother in control.
Speak up, use your voice and make your expectations known, but do it with some dignity and not the backdoor.

My

[Pretty Butterfly]

Going sort-of along the lines with tinks, i would straight up lie!!!

Tell them that since bub hasnt had any shots yet, the hossy is extra careful, and you MUST wear a gown and wash before touching bub at all. Noone will argue with hossy rules!!

Also, to discourage certain people from taking bub, I left bub on my bare chest under my nightie, telling visitors that bubs temp keeps dropping, bub MUST stay on me for body heat!

There are easy ways around not putting up a list and being assertive, if you cant do it. Say it nicely, but let them know its a RULE, and not up for debate!

There are lots of things you can come up with sweets!!!

[Visitor7]

It's not just about the hand-washing or the breastfeeding (maybe I shouldn't have given examples...)

It's the looks they'll give me when I don't want them near my baby after smoking. It's the "I know better than you because I'm older/have kids of my own" mentality. It's the not letting me have my baby back when they're having a hold because they think they can settle the baby better. It's the fear that I won't be able to protect my child because I can't speak up for myself. Yeah, I know, I know, "learn to assert yourself, Teni, it's not that hard" - it is for me.

Like I said, I do want visitors in the hospital. I do want some people coming to meet the baby because they might not get a chance for quite a while, and I know how exciting it is to visit new mums in hospital. But until I started thinking about it myself, I didn't realise how inconsiderate and/or ruse I may have been while meeting new bubs. I don't recall ever washing my hands when I met a new baby, even in a hospital. Even as recent as January this year when my cousin had a baby, when I met him I stroked his head and let him put one of my fingers in his mouth. Then I wondered why his dad was shooting dirty looks at me! I just didn't think, and I'm a very baby-centric person. The one friend who I know will visit me in hospital isn't. He doesn't even like kids, so I'm scared that if I don't lay out the rules he'll do something like that. Hell, I'm almost tempted to write a massive list just for him full of stuff like "don't press the soft spot on the baby's head" because he really is that stupid.

But that's just one person, one problem. There's the people who won't understand that I don't want anyone holding my baby, especially without asking me first. The ones who will do what I did and stick their fingers in baby's mouth. The ones who will smoke and want to hold the baby right after. The ones who will come in while baby and I are sleeping and wake us up so they can visit. Like Stoked said, people who will put themselves first instead of me and baby.

These are things I would say to their faces if I was assertive enough. But the closest I can get is maybe showing them a bit of paper saying that I would prefer they didn't do such-and-such, and could they please respect my (our!) wishes?

Yes, some might be offended if I do end up going through with this obviously crazy plan. But the specific people I'm thinking of as I write it? Maybe I don't care if I offend them by pre-empting their offensive behaviour.

Phew, that really wasn't supposed to be as angry and ranty as it came out. But I seriously can't be bothered going through and putting it more rationally

Unfortunately, there are going to be a lot of people who think they can do a better job at settling your baby than you. And that's not just when your baby is a baby, these people will always think they're a better settler/mother, or whatever. My MIL thinks like that. Cause she's been there, done that, she knows more than me obviously Writing a list isn't going to stop that. While in hospital, yes of course you can restrict visitors, ensure no-one holds your baby, have them wash their hands etc etc cause there's signs everywhere. But when you get home, if you want these things to continue, then you're gong to need to use your voice. Don't bother with a list, tell them.

[sloane]

i still stand by my comment on your fb - if you want to write a list, then go for it. i think i understand where you're coming from - that you can be assertive in your head & explain yourself well in writing, but in person you lose some of the conviction - am i reading it right?

i think hospital was the easy part - very easy to limit visitors & use the m/w to help clear them out if needed etc. for me, it's the being at home that is more difficult. i found people to be very considerate in the early days - they didn't want me to wake DS to have a hold or anything like that.

It's the not letting me have my baby back when they're having a hold because they think they can settle the baby better.

this is a big one - well, it was for me. i found myself letting people take DS to help settle him...and i came to think that other people COULD settle him better than me. so stick to your guns, trust that you CAN & WILL be the one who can settle him best (along with scott of course!).

i agree that you may feel different about visitors once cookie is here but i still think that there's nothing wrong with writing it down just to keep it clear in your mind. i don't even think you'll need to show people but just re-read it before they arrive or even in the middle of their visit. use it to bolster your confidence & harness that inner assertiveness!

[*Ang*]

A list is way OTT in my opinion, and offensive. They are all adults, you're not a public swimming pool, and as such a list of rules pinned to the door insults their intelligence and your ability to be an adult and mother in control.
Speak up, use your voice and make your expectations known, but do it with some dignity and not the backdoor

:yeahthat: Gotta agree with Limeslice on this one. Whilst I understand your need to feel "in control" with your new baby and you want to "protect" them, I think that if you give people a list, or post it on the door or however you choose to give it to people you will immediately put their back up and get them offside. If this is what you want to do, by all means go ahead and give that list. I think it is definitely OTT and you will hurt and upset alot more people then necessary.

Just remember the majority of people who come to visit you, whether that be in hospital or at home, are coming because they are genuniely interested in and care for you and your baby - I am sure they would not deliberately do anything to harm the baby. Your list implies that they are/will and yes that will offend.

Some of the other posters have given some lovely suggestions about how to manage certain problems like washing hands, breastfeeding and settling the baby. I think those would be much appropriate then a list.

I hope I didnt mean to offend but the truth is I was horrified when I read your original post. My thought also extends to beyond the initial visiting periods - if you are going to be this stringent about your dear baby and going to take this tack, you may find that later down the line when you need help, support or just some interaction with others, that by making this list your precedent you may find yourself lacking in the very thing you need - support. Reason being is that people will be reluctant to be around you and the baby if they feel like everything they do is being judged or frowned upon - I have seen this happen with a friend of mine, and believe me she is now wondering why she is so lonely and why family are reluctant to assist.

There is nothing wrong with protecting your precious baby, you just need to find the right way to do it and a list is not the right way.

[TeniBear]

Hence my asking if it was too much, and my subsequent conceding that it probably was and trying to think of other ways I can get my point across.

But hey, if putting it up will make these people never want to see the baby, I'm all for it again!


Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk

[briggsy's girl]

But hey, if putting it up will make these people never want to see the baby, I'm all for it again!

argh - the only hard part of that is making it only available to the selective people (FIL. dumb friend) and not offending the people that aren't so ummmm dense lol

[PumpkinZulu]

Lol I just saw this. I'm happy to be the biartch lol.

"Well I would let you do x/y/z, but Lily" *shoots furtive look and whispers* "doesn't think it's such a good idea."

The hospy should be pretty easy to manage, with visiting hours and midwives etc. And at home you're the boss, your home, your bub.