Funny things you said in labour

[cheekymonkey]

When I arrived at the hospital I had to lie on my back for monitoring which was the most painful part of the whole labour, I grabbed my husband by the scruff of the neck an said "Nicole Kidman is never going to be able to do this"!!!!!

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

I remember saying "I cant do this and i want to go home" and my doula said to me, remember what the books said, you're going through transition and i said to her, Dont you DARE lie to me, i have only been labouring for 5 hrs so there is NO WAY i am going through transition yet- i then promptly continued to spew in the bag they'd given me

I also remember at this time that the middie said, well i think its time to move to the birthing suite (i had laboured in my hossy room) and i said What for?? - She said well you want to have your baby dont you? and i replied, well i am not walking to the birthing suite and the middie said, no hun you won't have to walk, ill get you a wheel chair - i laughed at her and said you WILL NOT be able to find a wheelchair in a maternity ward cause they are only for people who have broken their legs WTF??! - Anyway, by the time my OB arrived to watch me birth DD the profanity had set in and when DD was crowning - i actually sang "Mother ***ker this hurts" to the tune of happy birthday?! - My OB said he wished he'd brought his dictaphone to record it, he had never heard anything so funny - My DH said he could not believe it when he heard the lyrics coming out, he thought i'd lost the plot

[Jellyfish]

When DD was crowning, the midwife asked if I would like to touch her head and grabbed my hand to guide it. I yelled "WHY THE **** WOULD I WANT TO FEEL THAT?!!" and jerked my hand away from hers, hitting her in the boobs!!

[Patooties]

I remember the birth of dd3 - Hannah, was going quite fast, and i was pushing. The midmives told me to wait for my Ob - and i said "Can't you guys just do it!!!!?"

another funny one wasn't while i was giving birth but after it. My bottom was sore - roids- and a nurse came in with a suppository - i think i must have gone incredibly pale and said -" nothing or noone is going near any of my holes again!!!"

[~Saram~]

i actually sang "Mother ***ker this hurts" to the tune of happy birthday?! -

[Glamourcide]

LOL Emma!! I certainly could have gone a few

Had to check back and see whether I'd included DD2's labour - nope, I posted while I was *in* labour with her (got to 8cm and barely felt a thing, yay me - at 8:57 I'd already been told I was 4.5cm and had gone home because nothing else was happening lol)... so should probably add my choice 'dumb quotes' from DD2's birth.

Upon arrival at ER at 4am, I was told it was 'procedure' to wheel me up to maternity. 'What about when I leave the hospital? What happens if I drop the baby and *you* run over it? Huh? I want to walk, people are already looking at me like I'm a total d***head, there's nothing wrong with me!'

At 9cm, wandering around with no pants on, the MW offered me a gown. 'Oh, yeah - because the lights are on in here but it's dark outside so if someone's looking through this window they can see my s***ch.' )Maternity is about three floors above ground level lol.)

Before my waters were ruptured - 'Seriously, what's with these wussy girls who get epidurals? I feel pushy but it's not painful or anything!' About three seconds after waters were ruptured - 'Oh Christ, we're having a baby... now I remember it DOES HURT! IT HUUUUURRRRTS! No, unbreak them, put them back! PUT IT BAAAACK!'

In serious labour, hearing birds twittering outside - 'Oh, whaaat? Is it morning? It's daytime? Why isn't the baby OUT yet?! The birds are awake and putting me off my gaaaame!'

Having trouble pushing, the midwife did an internal and found I had a cervical lip. She tried pushing it back... repeatedly. About the third time, I grabbed her wrist and screamed, 'GET YOUR HAND OUT OF MEEE! You're HURTING ME!'

Baby's head appears, and the midwife says, 'Oh, well would you look at that - she's facing the wrong way. That's why you had so much trouble pushing earlier.' I replied, 'And I bleeding well TOLD you there was something wrong, didn't I? I TOLD you to get a doctor, didn't I? You incompetent FOOL!'

Baby's head was out, I laid back on the bed. 'You can do the rest now, I'm done. Too tired. Wake me when it's over.'

[ciara.e]

oh how fun it has been reading these posts

I remember my DDs birth. I went into labour at home on my own and it was full on from the get go. Rang an ambulance and contractions were immediately 30secs apart and felt like they were going for about half an hour each time. Ambulance told me to lie down cos the baby might come out.. i'm like.. well that's kinda the whole point! i told the girl on the phone that i refuse to lie down... she can just tell her men to drive faster, make it a race!

In hospital, i walked in with the ambo's and they went to get the lift, I said.. i'll meet u at the top, i'm taking the stairs! Gotta lose my baby weight! haha.

Straight into the shower at hospital, my best friend was with me.. i kept saying 'don't look at me naked!' and 'get me something to wear!' i refused to take my undies off! when my waters broke, i had to take them off cos they were all wet and grotty... but i asked for them back! Midwife got me a gown and i said 'fk it, u've seen it already'.. then 'get me some clothes!'... lol.

pushing for half an hour (total 3hr labour), I kept telling my friend and the mw to stop looking at my twat! my friend would laugh and look at my face.. and i'd tell her to stop looking at my face! then i'd bury my head between her boobs. i spent the last 30mins burried in a facefull of boobs. told mw at one stage to stick her whole arm up there and pull her out! She said she can't do that and i whispered..'shhh... it's ok, i promise i won't tell anyone! it'll be our secret'. haha.

i was getting anxious and hyperventilating at the end.. so the mw was asking about the sex of baby and chosen names etc. I told her i was having a girl and her name is Ciara.. she said, oh i delivered another baby Ciara in this very room yesterday! so the next contraction comes and she's like.. this is the last one (head was already out, just waiting for shoulders).. and i didn't push.. nor did i the next contraction or the next.. she said.. are u having contractions still.. i said, yes... but i can't push just now.. i have to think of a new name!

[Glamourcide]

^ LOL you poor thing, what an ordeal!! Hahaha that last bit reminds me of my first daughter's birth, I had her at 2:17pm and we were on the ward sleeping when another woman was wheeled in at around 3am the next morning after an emergency C... the midwife read the card on DD1's crib and said, 'Oh, that lady over there named her daughter Emily, too.'
I then took my phone to the toilet, called DH (this was about 4am) and screamed down the phone, 'THAT B***H STOLE OUR NAME! We have to think of a new one! But we had it first! This is sooo unfair!!' and raved about it for nearly ten whole minutes before he told me to shut up, go back to sleep and we'd talk about it in the morning

[ciara.e]

Haha... that's so funny... and it's all such a big deal when you're full of hormones etc... lol. What can you do though? At least we have humourous stories to tell the grandkids! The birthing part is traumatic even if it goes smoothly... gosh, u seemed to have an interesting one with DD2. I often wonder if there's any midwives who haven't made it out alive!! haha... we seem to say and do things that we don't intend to do!