LOL Emma!! I certainly could have gone a few

Had to check back and see whether I'd included DD2's labour - nope, I posted while I was *in* labour with her (got to 8cm and barely felt a thing, yay me - at 8:57 I'd already been told I was 4.5cm and had gone home because nothing else was happening lol)... so should probably add my choice 'dumb quotes' from DD2's birth.

Upon arrival at ER at 4am, I was told it was 'procedure' to wheel me up to maternity. 'What about when I leave the hospital? What happens if I drop the baby and *you* run over it? Huh? I want to walk, people are already looking at me like I'm a total d***head, there's nothing wrong with me!'

At 9cm, wandering around with no pants on, the MW offered me a gown. 'Oh, yeah - because the lights are on in here but it's dark outside so if someone's looking through this window they can see my s***ch.' )Maternity is about three floors above ground level lol.)

Before my waters were ruptured - 'Seriously, what's with these wussy girls who get epidurals? I feel pushy but it's not painful or anything!' About three seconds after waters were ruptured - 'Oh Christ, we're having a baby... now I remember it DOES HURT! IT HUUUUURRRRTS! No, unbreak them, put them back! PUT IT BAAAACK!'

In serious labour, hearing birds twittering outside - 'Oh, whaaat? Is it morning? It's daytime? Why isn't the baby OUT yet?! The birds are awake and putting me off my gaaaame!'

Having trouble pushing, the midwife did an internal and found I had a cervical lip. She tried pushing it back... repeatedly. About the third time, I grabbed her wrist and screamed, 'GET YOUR HAND OUT OF MEEE! You're HURTING ME!'

Baby's head appears, and the midwife says, 'Oh, well would you look at that - she's facing the wrong way. That's why you had so much trouble pushing earlier.' I replied, 'And I bleeding well TOLD you there was something wrong, didn't I? I TOLD you to get a doctor, didn't I? You incompetent FOOL!'

Baby's head was out, I laid back on the bed. 'You can do the rest now, I'm done. Too tired. Wake me when it's over.'