I feel awful and uneducated :(

[TeniBear]

I knew. I had even seen one beforehand, in a birth class first time around. And I hated myself for agreeing to it. Still do, on top of many other things. I hate the midwife for making me choose between having something screw into my baby's scalp or continue with the external monitoring which I knew was hindering my labour. Again, among a host of things. I cried as they put it in, knowing I was responsible for my baby's pain before she was even born. I know it meant I didn't "have to" have a c/s, but I never should have had any of the monitoring to begin with...

I'm not sure if it was caused by the screw or not, but DD had a massive red splotch on her head right over that spot - it's only just gone away the past few months. Every time I saw it I was reminded of that moment when I agreed, my mum asked what was wrong, and I sobbed out the answer.

You'll be stronger than me next time