Oh guys, I need you now more than ever.

I just had my CTG and clinic appointment. Trace was great, bub doing perfectly. Then my appointment.

Had a Dr. I've never had before, she seemed ok, pretty quiet but that is fine. Did the usual checks BP great, fundal height 40cms, doppler great.

We sit down and she begins to talk induction. I told her that I've decided not to have the S&S and that I'd prefer to wait and see. We get into a bit of a conversation and she goes and makes a call to the head High Risk Dr. Agree I'll come in next week for scan and CTG but have to go to the birth suit as usual clinic is closed for Christmas.

Then she asks me why I don't want to be induced, I go through my reasons. Then came the whopper. She says

" the thing with stillbirth is that it has happened before and it can happen again, I know this baby is healthy now but so was the one you lost'.

I was just shocked. I thought for a moment and then I said to myself I'm going to let her know the impact of her statement. So I spent the next 10 mins (through my tears) telling her that I know exactly that babies can die, that I live with that fear every day, that I agonise over ever decision I make, that I spend all day and night on tenderhooks waiting for the next movement. That I've spent 3 years trying to build my confidence for this very moment only to have her errode it with one comment. That any baby can die, babies can die in labour, babies can die at any stage. I then went on to explain the impact of her statement, that I would be agonising over it, that it served no purpose other than to make me doubt myself and to make me feel guilty. That is a very short version of what I said to her but you get the picture.

She listened to me and then took a moment and then started crying. She said she couldn't appologise enough and that she would take onboard what I had said to her. She said she just didn't think but now realises how dramatic it was for her to say.

So I'm totally exhausted, I'm proud of myself for telling her exactly how I felt and not just running to my car and crying. I do feel doubtful now, am I doing the right thing, I just don't know anymore.

The only thing I can face now is some lunch and a sleep. Hopefully I'll feel better when I wake up.

Spring