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Thread: No Visitor rule at the hospital

  1. #19

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    I'd be very forceful about it. If DP was okay with his mum and family waiting outside while I'd be in labour, I would have kicked him out.



    She tried it with us, but I nipped that thought in the bud instantly. I even threatened DP with refusing to go to the hospital and I would birth at home and he would have to catch the baby. That fixed it.

    It's downright abusive to be discounting your thoughts. ...they aren't the ones giving birth you are, and it is very rare for any mother who's just been through that to want anyone waiting outside...LET ALONE THEIR IN-LAWS!

    It makes me really angry when people in the extended family assert some kind of ownership over the birth, if he or they don't listen to you, tell me and I'll come there fists flying

    Seriously, assert your rights. you are being PERFECTLY REASONABLE.

  2. #20

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    Thankfully I was in a situation where most of my family and in-laws were interstate, but I still had the rule that no-one was to know when I went into labour, there was a slight fear of someone getting on a flight the moment or constantly calling the hospital.

    I had a long labour, that ended in an emergency c-section. I was stuffed! I did get a few visitors, but the moment they arrived and I wanted them gone, it was just too much. I like knowing that people cared enough to visit, but dealing with the annoying chit chat was too much. One friend's BF sat there and tried talking to me about his hunting weekend. I was completely stunned, here I am, I have just had a baby and he wants to talk about hunting! When my friend wanted to visit after I got home I asked her not to bring her BF this time.

    Do what you feel comfortable with and learn from it. Looks as though you will have a few more battles in the future where your in-laws will try to put their needs before yours. For some reason with a new bub the new mum's needs and feelings can be totally ignored. Good luck.

  3. #21

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    i have had this discussion with my DH too!!
    he thinks im being a ***** about it but then i explaied to him about all the blood and yukkyness and his bonding time with the baby, and the MW told us that the hossy leaves you in the labour room for a while to establish BF before the baby is removed and stuff....

    in the end i told him mother that i didnt want people waitign outside and that they will be caled when we go into labour - as i have pets to feed and stuff - then they will be called afterwards and told when they can come to see baby. and my hossy has onyl 2 2hour periods of visting anyway, and they work durign those times.....

    its the when we are at home and the not visiting EVERYDAY that has me worried - his mother is a smotherer, and will not understand why i want time out! my mum might be here right around the birth (shes flying in 8 days after my due date) so MIL thinks she has the right to be over as uch as my mum - who has to live at my house!!

    sorry for hijacking

    and i love the note pad idea but that was shot down by DH as rude...
    i will be puttign a message on teh answerign machine saying something like " hi, we are all doing fine!! we are probably sleeping or really busy right now, please leave us a message and well cal you back when the little one will let us!!)


    stick to your guns tho!! i did with the hossy thing and it worked

  4. #22

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    I was exactly the same. I was being induced but we only told the date to a select few family members (who we knew would respect our wishes about no visitors).

    We didn't even call people to tell them he had been born until 2 hours after the birth because we were getting to know eachother and doing infant led attachment. DS spent a bit of time in the special care nursery the night he was born, so our first visitors (my mum and dad) came about 24 hours after he was born. The only other visitors we had in hossy were my Doula, a very close friend and another couple and we were there for 4 days.

    We also had a no house guest rule for about a month. When our family traveled from interestate to see us when DS was about 2 weeks old, they stayed at hotels.

    Don't get my wrong, we are real family people and love our family dearly but I just needed my space, so I completely understand that you don't want hordes of family grabbing at you and your bub in your first moments together.

    Lv Spring

  5. #23

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    Keep in mind as well, if rellies want to pop straight in and whisk your bub away when you should be bonding, that could have a pretty bad impact on the establishment of breastfeeding and you guys settling in as a family. Why don't you discuss that with your doctor/midwife and then you can report back to your partner and say 'hey, this is what could happen if your family barge in too soon'.

    Plus, if you don't control your visitors/visiting hours, then you start to get even more tired, grumpy, sad - it's so important to feel 'in control' when you're learning about a new bub - you need to be very very firm about this, because you don't want to risk depression or anything either.

    Even a 'let's not call anyone until bub has had their first breastfeed'? Like you said, you've got a good 6 months to negotiate this with your partner, but be firm!! And get experts (drs/midwives) to back you up til your partner agrees with you and will go into battle with his family for you!

  6. #24

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    Certainly not unreasonable at all to ask no one to visit for a couple of days. I wanted to do that, but in the end I was so buggered that I actually didnt have the energy to tell people to go away. I regreted it for ages, and sometmes I am still annoyed by the fact that the hospital let my sister in to wait outside my room in the labour ward while I was still giving birth, and then the IL's were waiting at the post natal ward when I got up there even after I told them not to come in.

    I didnt klike so many people just showing up unannounced because I was tired, and I refused to sleep while they were there because I wanted to be with my baby and I didnt want them to take away my baby, iykwim?

    Next time I think I will be more strict with a no visiting rule.

  7. #25

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    I had announced to everyone that we didnt want any visitors but they came anyway, I was so upset cause I was so tired & when they all decided to come was just as DD had gone to sleep..she then woke up cause of all the noise and didnt sleep till 5am (they all came after lunch at 1pm). This time I im going to have the nurses know that I dont want any visitors at all..

  8. #26

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    I totally know what you mean, and it seems like alot of people feel the same way. I knew I'd be tired after the birth, but I didnt expect to be as tired as I was. Firstly, I had a 36 hr labour and by the end of it I was exhausted, I never had any sleep. Then as soon as she popped out everyone was waiting in the waiting room! Sooo annoying, here I am wanting to rest and start BFing but I've got in laws, cousins, nannas etc looking on. AND not to mention my MIL rocked up on the second day I was in hospital and stayed for the whole entire day including the non visiting hrs. Next time I will know better and tell them to wait till I get home. I strongly advise you to keep family away (even if you want your mum etc to come in just get them to come in for half an hr) If they wont respect your wishes, then they are very rude. Grr this makes me angry, i'm still stewing about what happened to me hehehe

  9. #27

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    I completely understand where you are coming from! especially with your first. We had in our birth pan that no-one was to come in for at least one hour after the birth. It ended up being about 2 hours when the midwife eventally came and said "there is a bit of a mob out here wanting to know if they can come in" They were only allowed in 2 at a time (midwife suggested this) and only for 15min. They had a cuddle and then they went home. Strangely enough noone came and visited me for the next 4days which actually made me a bit depressed as there isn't much to do in hossy esp when you have a sleepy little bubba who just slept and slept.

    This is just my experience and I do know what you mean by not wanting anyone to be there and wanting to have some bonding time etc but it is really nice to have visitors (given some rules) It's nice to talk to people about bub and the birth and yes you are only in there for a few days but I would much rather have visitors at hospital than at home when I had to worry about making cups of tea and ensuring the house was tidy.

    Some rules our hospital suggested and enforced on our behalf
    - noone except DH for the first few hours incl. dr and midwifes so no weighing, bathing etc
    - 15 min visits and 2 at a time after the birth
    - no handling of the baby in the hospital (this was actually printed on a card in his bassinette something like - please leave me be, too many people holding me makes me unsettled") then it was up to us so if we didn't mind them having a cuddle we would say, oh never mind and if there were too many people or whatever we would just refer to the card and say the midwives get a bit annoyed if they come in and find you not obeying the rules.

    All the best with your birth and I hope you find a solution!

  10. #28

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    Wow, I knew our families were good, I didn't realise just how lucky we were! If anyone even suggested that they might wait outside the delivery suite they would be told to pi$$ off pretty quickly! And waiting in your room....how rude! I understand people are excited, but would it kill them to wait just a little bit?!

    Don't get me wrong, there was great excitement on both sides of the family upon DS arrival, but our families realised it was OUR day and respected that. They were more than happy to fit in with what we wanted/needed.

    :hugs: to all of you who have had to put up with pushy visitors.

    ETA Couldn't agree more Saram! My bub just slept all of the time, and although I had DH with me, we were dying for visitors! We just wanted to share our joy with everyone! And it's so much easier to have visitors in the hossy than at home

  11. #29

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    Something else I've thought of (lol, having lots of afterthoughts on this topic!) is that you can read about all the resentment people have at their bad experiences - you only get this experience once, and if your inlaws barge in and overstay their welcome in your special never-can-be-reclaimed moments, you will take a LONG time to get over that annoyance.

    Which is WHY it is worth
    - making your wishes clear beforehand, deciding with your partner what is going to happen, and then getting your partner and the nurses to enforce this for you, no matter how firm they have to be; and

    - not worrying about offending people. If you want them gone, and you want a nap with just you and your bubba, ask them to leave, and if they don't, call a nurse and don't give up til they're gone. If your partner wants, they can all troop down to the hospital cafe for a chat or something. But DON'T compromise on your comfort and experience, because the resentment is HARD to get over. And you don't want that anger, when you are working to settle in with your bub.

    Make it clear, that while they might be welcome, it is on YOUR terms. Be brave and be firm hon.

  12. #30

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    I don't think that's unreasonable that u don't want everyone there 5 mins after the birth all crowding & pawing at the baby.My mum was there during the labour last time but she just sat quietly in the corner & she didn't even touch the baby until after i'd had a shower & got settled,& then she asked b4 she did.My brother came up to pick up my mum so i saw him for about 10 mins but other than that i didn't see anyone else for about 24 hrs (except hubby of course) oh & my Dad bought my kids up the next evening of course .My inlaws would never make demands like that & even if my MIL did get a bit over excited & want to rush up to the hospital straight away my hubby would set her straight anyway

  13. #31

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    I had said I didn't want anyone knowing I was in labour, but then I had an induction immediately after a check up with my OB. Mum knew I had the appointment so I had to tell her I was being induced. If she had waited in the waiting room she would have been waiting for 35 hours - tell your ILs that!!! We called MIL and my mum about an hour after DD was born (10.15pm) and invited them to visit the next day. DH's sisters were told (via MIL) to come only in the early evening and WITHOUT their childern (5 boys under 8 between them). Needless to say, I was furious when they all showed up with their children at about 3.30 pm. My parents and grandmother live 150kms away so its not as if they could just pop in and I was so angry that our wishes (DH agreed with me) were ignored, and that my folks had to share their precious time with their granddaughter. If it happens again this time, I'll be far less polite than I was with DD!! I ended up at one point with 11 adults and 5 children visiting all at the one time

    I think at the end of it it doesn't matter if you actually are being unreasonable (and I don't think you are being unreasonable at all). Its your baby, your labour and your new family and whatever you want should be accepted by everybody. Like the others have said, I would be leaving instructions with the hospital staff that no visitors were to be admitted until you told them otherwise.

  14. #32

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    After my DD was born, I had all the IL's arrive for a visit. I had had an emergency c/section after a long labour and wanted some sleep, but they all decided to visit asap. The midwife was pretty peeved that so many had come at once, and she said that as DD's temp was low, she didn't want any of them unwrapping her or they would put DD in the special care nursery for a day! I was that tired that I could see the IL's unwrapping DD, but couldn't say anything.
    They all wanted to stay around and watch me have needles in my leg, and my second breastfeed as well. It was horribly overwhelming for me, and I've learnt from it now.
    I've already told DH that they are NOT to visit on the first day, I will let them know when they can visit, how many and for how long. If they don't like it, then they will not be welcome. I've told my family this as well and they are fine with it, just have to tell the IL's in a few months

    It's your body, your life, your child and they may not like what you say or do, but they should respect it. Honestly I'd be worried that if they are being disrespectful now, what will they be like in the future?

    Goodluck, hope you can work it all out

    Nic

  15. #33

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    My biggest argument of 2007 was with my best friend. Who I just told nicely 10 hours after having Mia to please come and visit on the following day, not that day. She was hurt and devestated as I said this. I was even more devestated when she didnt even see us at all, and was moving for good to Victoria...

    People don't understand the momentus moments of triumph and tears after you have bubs. I was just happy to rest and feed my baby whenever we needed.

    The good news is with Gold Coast visiting hours are 4pm - 8pm only for everyone except dads n siblings who are 10 - 12 then 2 - 8. Whats the rush anyhow bubs is gonna be here for a LONG time!

    That really gets my goat when people rush to hospitals....its just like ambulance chasers lol!

  16. #34

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    Wow, I'm so relieved to read these posts - I didn't want anyone waiting in the waiting room while I was in labour either, and after the birth, I really didn't like having visitors in hospital - but I thought I was the only one, and that there was something wrong with me!

    If I have another baby, I will probably have a "no visitors in hospital" rule, because I found visitors SO stressful with this one. I was tired, and coming to terms with having a difficult birth experience, and emotional, and in pain, and incontinent, and it just was not nice having people in my room other than my partner.

    In hindsight, some rules that would have helped were: one visitor per day and no big groups, only stay 30mins, feel comfortable saying "I don't want to talk about that" if they asked questions I didn't want to answer about the birth, and stating up front when I didn't want pictures taken (it was awful to think of my parents emailing photos of me to all the rellies, when I felt to unattractive with baggy shirt, big tummy, unstyled hair etc). I would err on the side of overdoing the strict rules rather than underdoing, and preparing friends, family and partner as much as possible beforehand that you might want these rules, because you can feel so vulnerable and unassertive during the first few days after birth.

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