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Thread: No Visitor rule at the hospital

  1. #1

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    Default No Visitor rule at the hospital

    I'll try and get this rant out and just hope someone can understand what I am saying. Am I being totally unreasonable on this?? Please note, if for any reason I need to go in for a C-section and have to spend longer in hospital the story changes a little and I will waiver the NO VISITORS rules.

    So here goes...... The setting was outside a hospital waiting for the results of a CT that his brother had just had to have after being in a car accident (couldn't think of a better time to bring up the birth of a baby what was he thinking bringing it up then)

    DP went on to tell his whole family how I don't want people to visit in hospital. The way I see it if its a natural burth I'm only there for 2 days and then Im back home, they can meet me at home the day I arrive for all I care but all I want is a little time to get to know the person Ihave been carrying for the last 9 months without people watching me or taking the baby and holding it themself. Its only 48 hours tops. But his family got all huffy about it and when I said no offence but I dont want anyone int eh hospital with me they took it the wrong way to start with and replied with a 'of course we wont be in there we will wait in the waiting room' which got me furious in the end. Ok I understand being a little put off by not being able to visit in hospital at all but they think they can come and wait int he waiting room till 5 minutes afte the baby is born and come in and hold it, they are out of the their minds!!!! Please can I spend at least 10 minutes with my baby and then please can i eat shower sleep whatever. I will be exhausted. But as the conversation got a little heated Barb turned to me and said 'Wayne has rights too, after all he is the grandfather' ARGH. I left it at that. Just kept thinking to myself I have rights I am the one going through this and if this is what I chose it isnt going to kill them to take that on board. I am not taking the baby away from them, in fact I am sure when I am tired and want a little time to myself I will be more then glad to let them come and hold the baby all day if they like. So I have made the executive decision that Dave either fixes the mess he made by bringing it up or I don't tell him either when I go into labour. Of all people I expected him to respect my wishes with this one.



    PS. This stands for my non-existent family as well - I do not want my (real) cousin who is the closest family member I have (after being fostered when I was 12) to come and visit either!

  2. #2

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    hey, i felt exactly the same way, didn't want anyone there, and especially didn't want them in the waiting room, waiting to get in and ask to hold my baby.... in the end it was the last thing on my mind and i was so out of it i didn't care.... but next time i won't be having any visitors at all, except on the first day, then after that its my rest time with bubs..... i completely understand how you feel, but be warned, the first day might be the best day to have visitors, you will be on a high and in a great mood... its the days after that everything goes haywire and you can get VERY emotional and the thought of visitors can become very overwhelming... good luck.

  3. #3

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    I think that's fair enough, it's only 48 hours and whilst I understand that your ILs are only motivated by love sometimes it's best to show your love by letting people have a bit of space.
    DH and I had a massive arguement when I was pregnant with Yasin and I said I didn't want him telling his family I was in labour so I know exactly where you're coming from.
    You've still got lots of time to get them used to the idea.

  4. #4

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    i wanted the same thing. make sure you are very forthright about it and if required get the hospital on side - tell them you don't want the visitors allowed in.
    I ended up with no less than 20 people in my room on the second night after I gave birth, it wasn't pretty, and the next day was an absolute nightmare!

  5. #5

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    I really don't think any family has the right to know you are in labor...it's your time & they get the suprise of a call (sometimes in the middle of the night) to find out what you had etc & you can even hold off on that call until you are ready.
    Though I must say the first day you will still be on a high, bubs will sleep lots & it could be nice to have the visitors then. You also have the care of nursing staff. When you get home it can so different for the first few days, adjusting and so on. That was the actually the time I wanted to be left alone. Milk had just come in, you can get the blues, no nurses to help, worried about sleeping & it's noisy, people left right & centre & it seemed they all came at once. I'd rather do that in the hosp. But that's just me.

  6. #6

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    I dont think it is an unreasonable request especially when you are a first time mum and want to get to know the little person you created all on your own before having them overwhelmed with family.
    I didnt want anyone to know when I was in labour- I hated the thought of everyone waiting around for me to have the baby, it felt like way too much pressure.
    I will probably only have mum and dad to visit at the hospital this time because they will have our DD, and I want to see her as soon as possible, but everyone else can wait till I get home, as I will only be in hospital for 24 hours TOPS.

  7. #7

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    Each to their own, you have to do what you feel comfortable with. Your baby, your decision.

    However, I was dying for people to come and visit us in hossy. I wanted to show off my baby! And in hossy you don't have to entertain people, you know when they're coming (to a certain extent) and they can't hang around for hours. Also, if you really don't want to see anyone on a particular day you can tell the midwives to get rid of people for you.

    As Emma said, the first couple of days you are on a massive high, you couldn't care less who sees you. Although it's still great when you go home, life becomes a little more frantic. My advice to you when you do go home is to make up a sign for the door. When you need to sleep during the day the last thing you need is someone knocking on your door! Write on the sign something like mum and bub are sleeping, please come back later. It worked for us, we had a number of people who came back later and told us they'd been around earlier. In fact a few of our friends said they wished they'd thought of doing it!

    As for people waiting for you while you're in labour, that's just WRONG! If you're really worried about it, simply don't tell them until the baby has been born. We told our parents only, but we knew they wouldn't come in to the hospital until we said it was okay.

    Good luck with whatever you decide, and enjoy your baby

  8. #8

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    I felt exactly the same way and there were many arguments before my DD arrived which just added to my stress levels......ggggrrrr still makes me mad!

    In the end we decided not to tell anybody when I went into labour as my ILs were planning on waiting at the hospital while I was in labour. I was not having that happen!!! My DD was born at 9pm and we didn't phone anybody until the next morning. Yes you guessed it, there were some very upset rellies but they got over it. I also wanted time with my newborn and time to sleep/rest etc etc. Also it can be daunting starting to bf for the first time and I wanted a little time on my own with DH and midwives to help me!

    I was in hospital for 4 days and we allowed close family to come on the second day, all other family/friends visited us when we were settled in at home. THis suited us as we have a large family and I didn't want them all showing up and crowding my hospital room.

    Good luck, its your decision and you should do what makes you feel comfortable.

  9. #9

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    We were only in hospital 24ish hours too. First time baby too, here's how we did it - it could be a good compromise?

    We didn't tell anyone we were in labour (this time is gonna have to be different, cos someone's going to need to watch Riv). River was born around 1:30pm, I had my stitches, our first breastfeed, just hung out as a family with our birth support partner too. Then maybe around 4:30pm (total guess) when we were ready, dh called our families (MY family weren't allowed to come without a coke slurpee in hand!), mine rocked up about 6, his about 7 and didn't stay for too much more than an hour.

    I agree to get the hospital on your side, whatever you decide. I found it a little hard to get my family moving once I was over it, ended up telling dh to kick em out - they weren't any trouble, I was just ready to sleep. But if you ask a midwife to check on you every so often while they're there, then you can quietly say 'hey, can you tell them I've had enough and they need to leave'?

    But definitely, your baby, your experience, your choice. And definitely a chat to dh reminding him how much you need this support from him. If he really wants his family to be there - then maybe leave it open? Say, 'hey once the baby's born, and I've had 2 hours or so to bond, why don't we take it from there?' You might get bored and welcome visitors, since all bub does is sleep, you might want to call his fam and say 'you can come, but only if you bring some Maccas'.

    All the best with what you decide, and all the best with getting your dh to see things from your point of view - that after all that hard work, you deserve a bit of time out!

    ETA: By the way, what Lis says is right, whatever your decide, your family probably will get over it once they've seen the baby!

  10. #10

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    I am with you, I have always thought to myself that I really just want time with Shel and our new little one, as a family... Family will have YEARS to come and visit, those first few days are precious I think, and would be nice to have just as our little family unit. It's your body, your baby, and your choice. A friend who had her bub earlier this year told the midwives "no visitors" and she got lots of peace and quiet (except from her mum ) with her partner and new bub. You might decide to change that rule, but if not, just make sure your partner is on side with you, so yuo get some extra support.

    Also, adding from what Janie said, I have also heard the sign thing. Someone else said to me to leave a pen stuck to the door with blue tack and some paper, for people to write messages and let you know they have called around. That might be nice too.

  11. #11

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    Hi ~

    I completely know how you feel, I had an elective C-sec because bubby was breech, I was booked in for 2pm but they were running late...
    we were keeping MIL updated on how things were going so DF called her at about 2:30 to tell her i wasn't going in for another hour or so, however she didn't answer her phone and instead showed up at the hospy about 10 minutes later (we thought we were safe because she lives hours away, but she was waiting outside & we didn't even know!!), not by herself but with 4, YUP FOUR other random people from DF's extended family that HE barely even knows because she thought he was calling to say i'd had the baby, We sent them away and they kept coming back every half hour, They, as well as my mum, were all there waiting for us when i come back from recovery. I was so angry, I wanted to feed Scarlet but i couldn't, i wanted to recover from the C-sec but i couldn't, I didn't want to talk to them about the birth because i was wrecked & I really didn't want scarlet being passed around at only 3hrs (if that) old.
    DF & i really needed some time to 'come down' we were both in awe, shock and total amazement.

    I only stayed in hospital for 2 days so they all could have waited!

    Other visitors were great, like my sister who come in for about 5 mins to give me pressies, hugs, see bubby, wish me well then leave.

    My experience was so bad that if i ever have another baby i'm considering hiring a bouncer!

    ETA: Oh i forgot to mention the mobile phone photo's, They took hundreds of me and scarlet & proceeded to sms them to every living family member they had a phone number for. *sigh* I am not usually a vain person but i really didn't need Shannon's uncle's girlfriend's sister's cousin's BIL's next door neighbour having pictures of me wearing a big purple tent-like hospital gown, with my BB's hanging out after just having a major operation.
    Last edited by LiddlePixie; December 14th, 2007 at 02:54 PM.

  12. #12

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    I had a no visitor rule for one week so I got the hospital stay then some time at home before people would come in.

    I think it's horrible when family waits in the waiting room when people are in labour and I would freak out if anyone but my partner and kids visited me in hospital at all.

    His family didn't like it, but they didn't get a choice.

    Enforce your rights, there is nothing wrong with wanting that at all.

  13. #13

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    Thanks guys, being the moody person that I am at the moment it bought a tear to my eye to know that I wasn't asking too much.

    I was really beginning to feel like I was wrong and asking to much and to be totally blatent DP was making me feel like an outright b*****.

    I've got 6 months to convince him to keep it all quiet, hopefully its enough time to really get my point across. The biggest thing is not having them wait during labour, who knows maybe I will change my mind about visitors when the time comes - after the baby is born and I have had a few hours to myself/ourselves.

    So far though it has been really stressful trying to talk to him about it and even more so that he has already told them what my wishes were and with how they reacted.

    Thanks again for the support I really appreciate it.

    PS I love the sign with the pen and paper on the door idea, I will definately be doing that!!!

  14. #14

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    Would you believe my MIL waited outside while SIL was in labour and then walked in and grabbed the baby 10 minutes after she was born while SIL was trying to initiate breastfeeding - and DH didn't understand why I didn't want her to know I was in labour

  15. #15
    SamanthaP Guest

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    Don't tell your family you are in labour!

  16. #16

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    Smudgies this is fair enough.
    We had no one at the hospital - DH actually went back to work the next morning- so i didnt even have him

    We dont have family near us - so our rule was no visitors for 6 weeks to our house !
    Tell them that and see how it goes down lol

  17. #17

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    And Samantha that is a great idea!
    We didnt tell anyone i was in labour so that we didnt have the calls every hour - has she had it yet blah blah blah. We rang people about 2 hours after the birth and told them and they were like... you've had the baby.. omigod wow!

    I have also been told which i think is great advise for next time (remember!!!)... tell people your due date is 2 - 3 weeks later than it actually is then you wont have them hassling you when you are due!

  18. #18

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    My mum came to see me about 45 mins or so after James was born, but she was the only family around at the time. I was quite happy to have her there but this is something that Chris and I haven't discussed. I'm fairly certain I'll be absolutely shagged after the birth - if it all goes to plan and Ramlet is birthed vaginally.

    I suppose immediate family, like parents and siblings would be fine for me (thankfully we both have small immediate families). My mum will be in town and I have one sister in Brisbane, the other is in Sydney. Chris's parents live here too and his brother doesn't live in Brisbane. I guess having them there almost immediately after the birth (depending on the time of day) will probably be ok, but I'll request that perhaps they only stay for about 30 mins or so.

    He should be home soon, so there's something else to talk about!

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