Terrific Fear of Birth! Possibly upsetting. It is for me.

[grub17]

i agree with the pp about anxiety. Maybe you can talk to a counsellor about this and also try to assemble a very supportive team of birth partners who understand where you are at mentally and do everythign they can to make it peaceful, and what you want.
Have you tried writing a birth plan? clearly go through what you do and don't want? Might help the hospy as well. Can you see a gp about this and perhaps have him/her write soemthign to the hospital in terms of referral so they will not dismiss your concerns so quickly?
Also, not sure if you have considered this, but have you thought about trying to get into a birth centre? I had a birth centre birth with my 2nd bub and it was amazing, more about women supporting women than hospital policies. Very calm and supportive environment and totally driven by the mum's wants and needs, not the docs/hosp/midwives
it definitely sounds like you need to get some counselling to try to help you cope with the coming birth/labour and to come to peace with the past events.
big hugs to you hun, I hope you can find something that will help soon.
ox

[peanutter]

Hi there, hun. Major hugs. I really, really get it.

And then you can get into a cycle of feeling guilty for those fears and stresses, and then worrying that the stress and the guilt will be negatively affecting the baby - and then that can stress you out, and then THAT makes you feel guiltier, and the cycle continues and GROWS. And heaven help you if you then start comfort eating, or wanting to drink or smoke, and then the added guilt and stress occasioned by that ... and then you wonder what you are robbing your existing child(ren) of, because of all the time and emotion poured into this dichotomy, and then the stress and upset of what this baby is suffering, because of the guilt, which your first child didn't suffer from ... and again, it just increases and gets darker and deeper, until you wonder whether you're going to fall in and never come out.

Personally, in short, I had ongoing (fortnightly and then weekly) counselling for over a year leading up to DS2's birth, and also had regular appointments with a psychiatrist who does lots of birth trauma stuff. This was not only to attempt to be "okay" with giving birth again, but also just to be able to be in a hospital without completely going insane ... I did not get to where I wanted to be in the time that I had - and I may never get there - but I was able to get to a place where I could stay mostly calm during the c-section (I was crying and extremely stressed and emotional, but I was able to sit/lie there while they did it, ITMS) and I was able to be in hospital for three nights after the c-section without needing medication for the stress and distress and upset. Non-medicinal therapies ended up being adequate to get me through it.

It was extremely difficult, took a lot of time energy and money, and the work is no where near done - but my counsellor was able to assist me in creating several different plans for how I could help myself to calm down in different situations, things that I could do to keep my mind off things, and I had several different people to help me (either by talking things through at 2am, or people who would come in and physically be with me) if push came to shove.

Three wonderful people from BB even offered to come with me to hospital appointments to help keep me calm (and I took one gorgeous girl up on her offer, for which I am still very grateful... she has become a good friend ). I guess stuff like that would be a lot trickier as you're not in town, though.

If you'd like to discuss in more detail, or if you want to vent, debrief, or come up with some action plans please PM me.

Hugs in any event.

[Danielle_NZ]

I couldn't read and not reply. I just want to reach though my phone and give you a big hug. I hope that your able to get someone to be there to help support you and your partner.

[RhiChiChi]

Netix - Can you debrief about your births on BB? Just type it all out, don't worry how it comes out, just type and type... That might be a start?

How close is the other hospital? Is it doable to go back there?

This new hospital you are going to sounds very 'relaxed' (couldn't think of the right word). I'd get in contact with the head of maternity, if it is one of the mws you didn't like, you could always walk out! I wonder if there is a director of nursing then? I can't see why they wouldn't support what you want. I'd consider writing a birth plan. I'd not worry too much about not making or having appts with your OBS - my gf went private and missed alot of appts with her OBS b/c she forgot or coulen't be bothered going (she had a toddler to wrangle!)

[Tegam]

Tegam; Thank you. I suppose it doesn't help that I'm not a very "good healer" ? Not that I should tell them that!

Just to help you decide, I am a very good healer. Sorry

[Tegam]

I'd talk to the NUM.

Wish I could come and look after you! You do sound super scared

[Jessiebean]

I think that you would do well with a doula, it's just the sort of situation they are there for. The cost isn't much when you look at how you feel now and how much they will help.

[Three Graces]

Doula, counselling, lots and lots of support for yourself is what I'd recommend. I haven't had a chance to read all of the other responses, just scanned them quickly, but I wouldn't hold back on accessing as much support as you need for this next birth. I'm also prone to fainting (I think I knocked a guy out of the way on the peak hr train with my first pg as it was so over crowded and hot). It's always unnerving coming to, thinking I'm at home in bed to realise I'm somewhere else.
I was also going to suggest getting an Epi-no to use before your due date. You use it for 5-10 mins/day in the last 3 weeks to gradually and gently stretch the perinuem to hopefully avoid a tear at birth. You control the pressure and release valve and you can also use it to train up your pelvic floor muscles before or after birth. I've met many people who have used one and have not had a tear at birth. We found out about them at Calmbirth classes and our doula recommends them to clients.
If your partner is supportive, I wouldn't hold back on trying to hide your feelings from him at this point. Crying and feeling vulnerable in front of your partner allows him to know what's happening for you and gives him the opportunity to support you. Maybe if you link in with a counsellor, he might be invited to a session to see what he can do to help you when you're feeling anxious (?)
Hope you have a better birth experience this time around