Thanks Kelly, Gill and Fi, i do feel very #%@*(&# off - angry at my uterus for spasming - as silly as that sounds.

I had met lots of women at the HOmebirth Network who had had the crap first birth experience. I stupidly thought i could circumvent that, be educating myself before the first birth, i thought i could avoid heaps of that stuff. Instead, i went thru similar stuff to what they did, first time round. I thought i could avoid it with reading, supportive midwives and going to birthing groups. was i deluded or what.

I had planned to celebrate her birth, you know, post the birth story online, put up the "Tiny Bilby is Earthside" type posts on these forums. I have no desire to do that now. I don't even feel like i birthed her, i feel like she was removed from me, like an appedictix or something. We never opened the bottle of the champagne in our fridge (for the midwives and dh not me) that was that plan for straight after her birth.

There is a meeting for CARES in my city on Dec 13th, which i really want to be at, but i had forgotten, dh is back at work now and i can't drive until January, so i can't go afterall.

I wanted to be happy about her birth, thinking about it makes me dissolve into tears, i feel grief about it, not joy. She is so lovely, but how she got here is not lovely. Just simple questions from people who know i had a baby "so when was your baby born" - stick in my gullet, cos i don't actually feel like she was born, she was removed from me artificially, she wasn't born. Strangers cut her cord, before it stopped pulsing. Strangers got her breathing. After all my plans, i became a thing on the operating table having stuff done to me, instead of being actively involved.

I actually AM relieved Jacinta is alive, when she was removed not breathing, i was so frightened i was going to be told she was a still born. It was so difficult for the medicos to get her out, it was a very complicated c-section.

I am trying to look for positives.
1. I did not have an episiostomy.
2. I went thru this with the support of my dh, i have no idea how single mums cope with c-sections and the whole baby thing, i am in awe of single mums.