Awwww Gigi huge hugs hon, I second what Fi said. I hope you are able to talk this over and de-brief with your midwife. First births can be tricky, many of us find our first to be a particularly trying labour, with things not going to plan, but next time it will be different. Your body has been there before, its been labouring before and you know what it feels like etc.

Its not always this way, but you ask any mum what they would do differently or what they would like to be different after their first and the list will be long for most of us. Perfectly normal.

I am also concerned about your signature, 'we are just glad she came out alive.'

Don't beat yourself up hon. You don't have to prove to yourself or anyone that you are at least grateful for the fact you have a live baby, despite having been through hell and back yourself. Its okay to say or write down (or even yell out aloud) that you had a **** experience or are angry that you didn't get that experience you wanted (or whatever the case). It's a perfectly normal way to deal with grief and your feelings DO count in this. Yes its lovely that you have a healthy baby but if mum is falling apart at the seems, don't hide behind a statement to protect yourself and your feelings. If someone judges you then they don't deserve to be in your company as they obviously have pre-conceived biases and don't care about your best interests. That said, many people just dont know how to deal with it and look at the 'bright side' or 'bigger picture'.

It's okay to express sadness and disappointment and it doesn't mean you are any less of a mother or person. Let yourself cry, scream, be angry, be it in private, or even here, you'll have great support. We understand.

Do get onto some birth trauma support groups too, check out www.birthrites.org and they have a list of others on there too.

Thinking of you sweety. You gave it your very best, you trusted your body and you are a strong, powerful woman and a great mother.