HOw can I get his support on an active birth?

[BrightSparkles]

I REALLY REALLY want to have an active birth this time around after a horrible induction with DD.
DH is being extremely unsupportive of the idea and keeps telling me how low my pain thresehold is and how i won't cope without drugs. My mum is also not that keen on the idea.

This is something I really want to attempt. But feel so unsupported by my family to do this without drugs. I like knowing I have the option but really don't want to have them if i don't need it.

has anyone else had issues like this? Had did you get around it. I just feel like saying... if your not going to support me and trsut my decision to not bother coming in and i'll find someone who does believe in me.

[studymum]

Power is in knowledge. Try getting some books on natural birthing techniques from the library and having a read. I found the positive thoughts supportive and I felt more prepared coming up to the big day.

Maybe hiring a doula if you can afford it. Or a birthing course that you could both attend? Your support team for labour needs to be just that, your support team.

[jackrose]

:yeahthat:

I was in a slightly similar boat to you although I did not have negativity from others such as my mum too (you poor thing!!) My Dh was completely ignorant to all labour information with my pg and even though he came to birth classes with me he was not engaged. I ended up saying to him he was not coming to the labour if he didn't "pull his socks up" and do some research and prove to me that he was going to be a good support partner - the one I wanted. I had another friend lined up to help and put it simply, I didn't need a hanger on, I needed a supporter.

He did come to the party and was present at the birth but it only highlighted how much he was unprepared in the end.

So, this time around, I have laid out the same ultimatum. Either he gets up to speed and gets on board with my birth plan or he is in charge of taking charge of DD and I'm going with my friend and my midwife. He can see I am serious and he is reading !

You deserve to be surrounded by people who can support you and respect your wishes - remember that. Your DH may be nervous and unwilling to see you in pain. That is fair enough... but.. he needs to understand what he is saying to you is not helpful - your pain tolerance in labour is completely different to pain tolerance in real life and your pain tolerance in a natural labour is often very different to that in an induced labour. He needs to research as studymum said and come to you with an informed opinion not an emotional one. As for your mum... more fear there probably, not sure what you can do but you should not have to listen to negativity as it can really get you down.

Remember also that statistically you are more likely to be more successful getting a natural delivery if you have a doula or midwife with you and dedicated to your care. Is this an option you can consider?? Maybe a student middie or doula if its a cost issue?? You sound like you need some people on your side! GL

[blackduckies]

I think you need to be strong, tell Dh to keep his ideas to himself and at least give you the chance!!! Its not like the option is'nt there, if you do need them?? Imagine if they said "NOPE YOU SAID YOU DID'NT WANT THEM< IT'S BAD LUCK, YOUR ON YOUR OWN NOW HONEY"

I reckon write up your birth plan, make sure your midwifes get it before you go into labour and have an additional plan with you JIC when you go into labour. I second the doula /trainee midwife or maybe you have a close friend who has given birth, who might be a good option.

I am guessing your DH if fearful of the pain you are going to go through and it would be a helpless feeling, if you reverse the situation maybe it would give an insite into what is going through his mind???
Goodluck have a chat to him and let him know it is'nt good for your self confidence to be told how little faith he has in your body and pain threshold.

[Dansta]

i had the unsupportive mother with my birth with DS - she told me that me wanting and active birth was the same as digging a hole and squatting. she said the same thing a few times and i cracked it with her and a few other females in my family and said to them
"are you the one birthing or am i? I AM thats right, im pushing a human out of my Vagina not you. sure, you've done it before but this is my body and my birth, now shut up and support me or dont say a damned thing to me about it ok?" (i got cringes for useing the word Vagina too )
...i got the support i needed from there on in becuase they had children at a time where DH's werent welcome in the birthing room! as for you DH, tell him that you need his undying support, which means that no matter what he thinks he has to support you in what you want to *try* - you may need drugs, but you want to go hammer and tong with out them he should be supportive! an induction Vs. natural labour = very differant pain (from talking to other mums). plus i know for my DH him seeing me in 'pain' freaked him out - have you talked to your DH about the last labour and any thing that he may still be feeling uneasy about/ freaked out by? because i know my DH felt powerless to help me...but after making him talk about it for a few months he came to accept that my body was doing as it should have been and the 'pain' was a productive one. maybe say that to your DH that the pain you feel in labour is a productive one - not a broken bone kind of pain KWIM?

as for your mum - well tell her thats nice that she thinks you cant do it. sure thats how it turned out with your DD, but this is another baby so it'll be different again...unless she'd like to take all the drugs for you so both her and you DH can feel better about drugs being used in labour - they never said labouring women needed them

[MrsFabuloso]

Jen, what I'm going to say doesn't really have much to do with getting the support you want, but I have had both an induced vaginal birth with gas and pethadine (which made me spew!) and a completely all-done-on-my-own natural vaginal birth with a doula. By far my natural birth was sooo much easier. I didn't go to hospital until I was 8cm dialated and ready to pop because I didn't think it was painful enough for me to be in serious labour, compared to my induced labour. I did it all by myself for HOURS before going to hospital. DH was at his soccer final and I didn't bother my doula because I had been in and out of labour/prelabour for weeks.
My emphasis here is I did it on my own. Don't let your DH or anyone else tell you you can't. If you think you can, you will. But you have to really have faith. I was just so absolutely terrorfied of C/S and really didn't want another induction, or drugs from my experience last time that I knew I had to do it on my own. So I psyched my self up and I did it. In hindsight, it wasn't all that tough. I actually kind of enjoyed it. I had a great empowered birth. My doula was excellent (and I would reccommend her to you if you're in sydney!) My DH was fairly useless both times. He was there in the room, but not really present or all that supportive. But I couldn't deny him the opportunity to see his children being born. As it was, he helped birth DS, and cut both of the kids cords, saw them both feed for the first time, etc...I couldn't not let him experience all of that. Even if he was useless most of the time!

[Miss E]

I got my DH to read New Active Labor while I was pregnant. I think it made a huge difference for him as he was unable to understand what it was all about and why it makes sense.

[Smoke Jaguar]

It is not their place to tell YOU stories about yourself that are obviously not true. It is not your place to take on stories they have themselves about you
If it's what you want, then they have the wrong 'story' about you and you don't have to take it on.
They may not support you, but you are the birthing woman and you don't need their permission to seek the birth you want, you just WANT their support. Sure, it's nicer when you have their support and sometimes you just have to work a little harder to get there under your own steam. Looks like you'll be taking all the credit for yourself when the birth happens according to YOUR values.
Please, keep telling yourself your own positive 'story' - it's far more useful to you and it becomes easier to filter out the negativity
You're making a wise choice

[BrightSparkles]

Thanks heaps for your advice girls. Can anyone reccomend some good reading material on active births for DH (and me ) to read??

[Emma1979]

birth skills, by juju sundin, co written by sarah murdoch...
its all about getting up and moving, and doing as much as you can during a contraction to distract yourself from the pain of the actual contraction... makes heaps of sense, explains the physiology of why you need to keep active, if your DH is a science based kind of guy....

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

birth skills, by juju sundin, co written by sarah murdoch...
its all about getting up and moving, and doing as much as you can during a contraction to distract yourself from the pain of the actual contraction... makes heaps of sense, explains the physiology of why you need to keep active, if your DH is a science based kind of guy....

TOTALLY Agree with this book - it was my BIBLE through my pregnancy and subsequent (induced) birth (no drugs normal delivery). My Doula and this book were my saviours (and DH of course )

[Tanya]

I was somewhat scared to sit with all my births after DD#1 where i was put on a bed and birthed there. So all my consequent births were standing up... I refused to sit, or lay. I am sure that when you are in labour and you are coping well with labour walking and rocking or what ever, your DH wont know any different.

[Smoke Jaguar]

I'd recommend Dr Sarah Buckley's Gentle Birth Gentle Mothering and watch The Business of Being Born and Orgasmic Birth

[Traveller]

I would recommend Marie Mongan's HypnoBirthing (even if you don't do the course). It totally changed my DH's perspective from thinking labour would be awful, to knowing I could do it.

If your birth supporters are not actually supportive though, you may find it a struggle as there will be times when you will be looking for them to help you through, like transition for instance. If you cannot afford a doula then perhaps a student doula could support you, or a girlfriend who has achieved the sort of birth you want. It really might be easier to have no supporters than ones who expect you to fail.

Good luck hunny

T
xx

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I've just said my husband, who wasn't much use at Liebling's birth, won't be there for the birth of any subsequent child. He failed me, therefore he doesn't get to be there again.