How can I do a birth plan in this situation?

[Lulu]

I'm really sad and at a loss here.

I really don't think I want my partner there. This is #3 and my last.
My relationship is crap, and I don't consider him to be my partner in any way anymore, yes we still live together, but thats not my choice.
Nik was crap at Mitchells birth, I had no support from him at all, and I don't forgive him for that even now.
My sister was there too, but (bless her socks) I found I was more focussed on her not being uncomfortable and I know she was scared and that didn't help he either.

I have a history of short labours, I'm not scared at all, quite looking forward to it actually. I will be at the FBS at the Angliss.
Can I labour alone? I don't really want to, I would like someone there for support, but I don't really have anyone I could ask. I can't afford a Doula (which is another reason I resent Nik so much). Actually I do have one friend that is a possiblility, but she is having a brain tumour cut out on Monday and I'm not sure how long her recovery will be. She is the warmest, understanding person I know and thats what I need.

Yes I have discussed this with Nik, he knows how crap he was last time and has promised to be better this time, but I just cannot trust him. He lets me down every day in every way and I know my worry will get in the way of the birth. I can't have negative feelings holding me back, and I can't forget the isolation I felt in a room full of people that were supposed to be helping me.

I want this birth to be a triumph - my last hurrah in the birth stories of my life, and I can't see how to do it, and I'm getting more and more upset.

this must sound so pathetic.

[BellyBelly]

Oh no Lucy, you don't sound pathetic at all sweety, completely opposite. You can get student birth attendants and doulas for free or at a small cost to cover their expenses (e.g. travel etc.). I would be more than happy to talk to you in private about it, drop me an email hon! info@bellybelly.com.au

[Melinda]

Like Kelly said, it doesn't sound pathetic at all!!!

I hope that Kelly can work through some options for you.

[midwifetan]

Hi Lucy

No you don't sound pathetic, rather the opposite! What an amazing and strong woman you are, to recognise at this special time that a relationship really isn't right, and to see that he's not the right person to support you through what is to be your last labour. I read something quite profound the other day...it's one thing to be at a birth, another entirely to actually support a woman through labour...and you will know who is the right person to be with you.

Kelly has made some great suggestions, the other thing to do is to go into the Birth centre, and get to know a few of the midwives there. They may be just the support you need. I work as a homebirth midwife, but I can tell you that lots of women choose to labour in isolation, even when they have lots of support people at their disposal. It's not a sign of weakness at all, it's just what some women know they need at the time. Having said that, we all get to a point when the arrival of the baby is imminent, where we need someone we trust to tell us that we can do it, and that's where a student midwife, or doula, friend, family member, cousin, or whoever is the right one for you, will be invaluable.

All the very best for a wonderful and triumphant birth,

Tania

[Mumma2three]

I actually always thought that if for some reason my DH didn't make it, I would quite like to be alone. There's always the midwife delivering, and the midwives for both my DD';s births were just amazing and lovely, I could've quite happily just had them there.

[Lulu]

I feel sooo much better from reading those posts. Thank you Kelly, I will pm you soon.

My first birth ( I was 19) was amazing, I found something inside me that I could draw upon, and that is the wonder of birth. Like some deep, tribal connection to all the female strength in the entire world is there for you. I was not frightened at all.

I was frightened and unsupported at Mitchells birth, I couldn't find the strength because of that. I still feel a bit ripped off, and it took me a long time to recover mentally.

I really do feel better knowing there are ways to still achieve this. I had a talk with Nik this morning and whilst he is not very happy, has agreed that he can wait in the lounge of the birth centre.

Maybe I can start this birth plan after all.....

[Phteven]

Lucy, I think that its really fantastic that you have chosen to go against convention to have a more positive birth experience. I really hope that your friend's recovery is sufficient to allow her to be at your baby's birth and that you can find a student doula to assist you as well.
Its wierd how times change isn't it. Once upon a time if the father was at the birth it was unusual, now its such an accepted convention for fathers to be present that women will often allow thier baby's fathers into the delivery even when it goes against thier better judgement. Just because something is conventional doesn't really mean that its right for everyone.
My sister's husband was at the birth of thier first child but he was so upset by the sight of my sister in pain that she asked him not to come in when she was in labour the second time. Although it was unconventional it was what was right for them and without the added stress of BIL freaking out my sister coped much better the second time around.

[Phteven]

Lucy, have you spoken to your care provider about this? Did they give you the go ahead?
I'm a tiny bit curious because I'm wondering about leaving DH to look after Yasin and gatting a student midwife for support (my hospital is a teaching hospital so there are lots available).

[kazz30]

Lucy, to you matey. I really hope you were able to email Kelly and both of you were able to come to some idea on what to do.

Good luck matey.

[Lulu]

Hey girls, I've been a bit AWOL!

I managed to meet a training Doula, and she is a bit of a dag. I have also made contact with a Student Midwife, and she sounds lovely but after we went through everything over the phone she tells me she may not be able to make it unless I have bubs on certain days as she is a sole parent and may not be able to get there.........

Then the Doula seems to have got my dates wrong in her diary cos she rang me last week to see if I felt anything - I had to remind her it is another 4 weeks away!

Not very filled with confidence here, but I have maintained contact with Kelly over this and I'm sure we'll get it sorted.

Just can't wait to meet this baby - I'm just dying to know if it's pink or blue!!!

[BellyBelly]

How awful Lucy!!! I don't know how you got in touch with the other two, but if you want to try your luck with some I know, I am sure I would be able to help you and I know they will be reliable and lovely to boot! we'll work out something for you.

Out of interest, where was the doula doing her training? Was it online training?

[Danni]

hey lucy, which hospital are you going to?

[Lulu]

William Angliss Family Birth Centre.

I'm really looking forward to it, I like their approach to birth. Mitch was born on the other side and it wasn't really great.

[Kelly W]

Hi Lulu

I'd offer to me there to hold your hand and encourage you as I live close to Angliss - but being 35 weeks pregnant myself, possibly we will be in there at the same time

Good luck