Yeah Ryn, you got dealt a super ****ty hand when it came to having his unwavering support with Liebling. It still makes me angry thinking how different things could have been for you if he had of stood up for you when you needed it
It is my body and my choice at the end of the day - however if DH had some sort of input that would make him more confortable then I would also consider what he had to say
I asked DH and he said he would answer D too - he knows where he stands on the issue, my body my choice. Plus I have had a child before (previous relationship) and this is his first.
We kind of just did the hospital/OB thing with our first two. Never crossed my mind not to. Then I started researching and realised I was having over-medicalised births when I was a brilliant candidate for natural midwife-led care and birth. So when Ds3 showed up I decided on a birth centre. Dh was initially not crazy about the idea, I think we even had a few arguments over it. Now though, after the fact, he is the biggest advocate for midwives and waterbirthing and all that other "hippie" stuff
We are currently in negotiations for a homebirth for future baby #4. He is a bit worried about the what if's but in the end he will let me do what I think is best for me. I think we'll come to a compromise like attending hospital ante natal as well as what my IM gives me so that if something does go pear shaped there is some slight relationship with the hospital. In the end though, its my body and I will make the decision thats best for me.
With DS1 there was no choice for either myself or XH. It was emergency c/s in hospital nearly under GA. Neither of us were given any option.
With DS2 I opted to try for a VBAC. I had an awesome doula who was marvellous support. However XH only came to one antenatal visit - the one where he took me to hospital at 41w suffering from (managed) pre-eclampsia. We were given options - either have a c/s the next day, or wait another week and see what happens, with a probable c/s at the end of that week. XH didn't even consult me. He said we were having the c/s the next day because it was more convenient for him.
Just one of the reasons he's the XH now.
If I have any more children, I would like to believe that both my partner/husband and myself would make decisions jointly, but with respect for each partner's views and wishes. So more a c) but leaning towards a d) because I'm good at convincing people that they want what I want...
B, I'd say. I don't think he'd want the responsibility of the decision. But he has had sticking points before (the cost of homebirth, for example) that I've respected.
As others have said though - it all comes down to what the father is like - my partner is laid back and excels in a supporting role; kept a calm and helpful head at the accidental homebirth of our second child, doesn't feel the need to be in control. Were he the type to call the shots without consulting, we'd have a very different type of agreement, one where I made sure he was equally, if not more, informed about the ideal birth, and make sure we were on the same page. As is, the only issues we have is me being uncertain if he'd feel confident to advocate for me in tricky situations, which is why we've always had a second birth support person.
Interesting question. I'm not sure how to answer really, even though you have clearly given us option a, b, c, d or e to choose from lol I had never really thought about. dh just respected that 'I' would be the one giving birth and he wanted me to be as comfortable as I possibly could be and did everything in his power through the pregnancy and birth that he possible could to make sure that happened. So I guess my answer would be d
Personally i'd say D - after DD1's birth i needed to be confident in how i was birthing with DD2 but i also understood that DP missed DD1's birth and he had just as much right to express his feelings towards what would happen next.
In saying that he attended 1 appointment and all the choices were left up to me as in his words "you did it so easily last time".
I would have loved to have attempted a home birth (properly this time) with DD2 but i knew it was something that DP would not handle so i didn't explore that option further.
I agree that YES it is the woman's body and she should be able to choose how to labor but i think that partners should also have a choice in how their child enters the world, i don't think it's as clear cut as 'my vagina, my choice'
I don't think you'd be delegating anything to anyone HotI. But to truly just say to someone that you are going to do it your way, irrespective of what their opinion is or feelings are, then feelings are going to get hurt and probably not yours. I just do not think that it is really sensible to do that to your partner when they are going to be the ones you need to support you through the toughest times of your pg, and eventually your birth. I know for me, I *know* I couldn't birth with confidence if I didn't have the support of my DH and if I had to go through a birth with him either sitting in the room with me and being unsupportive because he disagreed with the choices I had made. Or, depending on how much I'd upset him with my choices, not there at all.
And what happens if it all goes to **** again and you need his support afterwards to help you through it again? I'm not saying that will happen at all, but it's something that does need to be taken into consideration. If you alienate him about the choices made for birth, do you think he would help you pick up the pieces if those choices put you in the same predicament again? It would be really hard to go to someone and say 'hey, I didn't listen to you earlier, but now I really need your help to get me through this again' and it may be hard for that person to just forget that they were not listened to in the first place and help you when you need it kwim?
And I think what if the roles were reversed - how would you feel for example if he just said 'My body My Choice' and went and got a vasectomy when you wanted more children? Wouldn't you feel like you should have been part of the decision making process? It comes back to the amount of trust in the relationship. If he can trust you that you will do the absolute best for both yourself and the baby, then it's fine if you just do what you want without consultation, but if he is unsure, then you have to help him work on WHY he is unsure.
Now I do think that you can still retain 100% bodily autonomy because it IS your body and it IS your baby, but it's also HIS baby too and I think that if you truly do want to do things you way, then you at least owe it to him to get him on your side and see things you way so he can support you unconditionally. I think it is a bit of a cop out to blatantly say 'my body, my baby' because it just doesn't work like that. I don't get how women do that and then once the baby is born it becomes OUR baby ITMS. It's not fair to the partner. However I do understand that when trauma is involved, it is a whole new ballgame. That's why I think it is so important that you do have 100% support because you are going to need it. So you can still have E, but just include a little bit of D to start with.
Last edited by Trillian; June 21st, 2011 at 08:22 AM.
mine is B. it is about creating a supportive, informed and empowering environment and if your partner is not comfy then IMHO it it cannot be any of those things.
that said, your partner feeling comfortable is not necessarily about reneging on your birth wishes but rather of showing your partner that your wishes are valid and informed ITMS.
anyway just my two cents...sorry cant linger...hungry baby!
I was discussing this with DH this morning on the way to work - for us it's very much a D. His theory is along the lines of my body, our baby. I respect him and care about him enough to know that if he's not comfortable with something, that it's for a good reason and most probably because he's concerned for both me and bub. And if he's not comfortable in a situation, he's not going to be in the right headspace to be what I need which is that support and encouragement.
Mind you, the only thing thus far he's expressed he wouldn't be happy with would be a homebirth. He would be far more comfortable with the reassurance of having highly trained professionals close by (as in not a car/ambulance ride away) just in case something did go horribly wrong. So comfortable and happy with things like FBC and midwifery led care, if that had been what I wanted to do. Such as it is, I've decided to go with a private hospital birth with ob. Which he is completely fine with.
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