What role does the father of baby have in the decision of where & how to birth?

[Epacris]

A very interesting question and thread HotI. Thinking about this and reading the replies I unexpectedly feel like for me it’s an E (unexpectedly because I’ve never thought about it before and I guess I was expecting to be a D or a C, but now I really think about it I guess I am an E). I think I’m an E mostly because my DH the kind of bloke that is happy for pregnancy, birth and newborn babies to be women’s business. He trusts that I have researched all the options and made the best decision for me and for us as a family. And he’s just not really that interested in it, I mean, I’m really passionate about birth and babies but for him it’s just a function of being a family and not anything more than that. From this position if he then tried to tell me what to do I’m sure I wouldn’t be happy about it at all, but he doesn’t, so it’s all good. I also don’t need my DH at all when we’re at the pointy end of the proceedings. I need him to get me to my care givers and get me home again, but for the rest of it, if he just stands a few meters back and lets me do my thing, for me, that’s exactly the support I want.

[Trillian]

Mayaness, some women don't have the luxury of being able to have anyone else to support them, so often it is their DH by default. That is why they HAVE to be on board with what the woman wants and any problems need to be worked out. Someone said earlier 'your body, OUR baby' and I think that it is so relevant to the situation. Why shouldn't the father be able to say what he thinks about a situation that is involving his child? I know my DH would be incredibly ****ed off if I told him I didn't want him at the birth of his child simply because he disagreed on something I wanted. THat's a pretty negative thing that can impact the entire relationship. It's not really about women's rights, but it's about the relationship you have with your partner. Of course if the partner is placing his entire opinion and choices on the woman, then that's not cool at all, but why is it so hard to accept that some fathers might actually like to have a little input into the birth of his child? Why can't both people in the relationship work on it together? However I have always said that ultimately the choice lay with the mother because her bodily autonomy is of vital importance, but it doesn't mean that the father should have absolutely no input.

The baby is coming out of YOUR body - birth needs to happen on YOUR terms and your partners are either going to realise they don't call the shots here or they're going to get a say in something most of them are really quite unqualified in. You don't ask your dentist for advice about where to service your car.

I don't know why a man is always deemed to be unqualified in the process of birth simply because he doesn't own the vagina. When I was pg with my first baby we were BOTH totally clueless about the process of birth until we educated ourselves on it. If anything, he knew MORE about birth than I did because of his work with birthing livestock. You don't need to own a vagina to be able to be well read and educated about birth and be able to contribute equally to choices made. Women generally don't know much about the process of birth either until they need to. It's not something our brains come automatically wired with so we just have to think about it and we know all we need to know.

[Smoke Jaguar]

Trill, I said 'most men' for a reason, and not because I was referring to obstetricians
I'm not saying I go to DP and say "this is how it's going to happen and whatever you want I won't listen to because you don't own the vagina", I'm saying I tell DP how I want to birth and any input he has to facilitate such a thing can be considered and included. If he's not comfortable with something (and he hasn't been uncomfortable with anything) then I talk to him about why I want it and if he still isn't with the program, then he needs to seek an alternative arrangement for himself for the birth!
I had the 'luxury' of having a GF with us last time, and didn't have anyone but DP the first time. If he hadn't been on board with HypnoBirthing or waterbirth I would have sent him away and done it alone with the midwife (who was happy to be hands off anyway).
Cranky Kitten - I don't get the idea that birthing experiences are hereditary! I've heard his cited so many times, and there is really no evidence of there being hereditary birthing ability...apart from the ability to birth. If the father has issues about previous births in his family and is wanting his partner to have unnecessary medicalisation of the birth and she doesn't, then HE needs to debrief and and get educated. It's not fair on his partner to have to conform to a just-in-case. It is just not fair to rip her off that way if she wants something else for her birth. Education sorts this one out, anyway. Independent midwives see a lot more labours of all sorts and instead of looking up text books to hospy policies they call on their extensive experience to pick up on complications early enough to do a transfer for homebirths. These are done in such a timely manner, that most transfers don't end up in emerg C situations at all. I've known quite a few homebirth fathers who had these fears and allowed themselves to learn and listened to the wisdom and knowledge of good midwives and they are now very strong homebirth advocates. So, that's what I say to that
Cassius - I was just keeping to the OP about fathers, and I definitely agree, anyone who's not on the same wavelength needs to be outta there.

[meow]

So I asked my H about his thoughts on this. His first response was the "your body, our baby" line and he thinks fathers deserve a say in the birth process... only if the mother isn't responsible enough to make a good choice. We're talking pretty extreme. Like a drug addict who decides to free birth in the bush. He thinks Dad should be able to call it in for the sake of the baby. I'm unsure on that one still. I don't think a woman should ever be made to undergo any procedure she doesn't consent to.

We realised though that there is no real room for compromise in this choice. There are only two people voting. If multiple people were voting you could average the results but this way you're only going to get 100%-0% or 50%-50%. In the case of 50%-50% we agree the woman gets veto power, except if she's not usually the sort of mother who makes safe choices about her pregnancy/children, then he thinks the man should get veto.

[Trillian]

I get you now Mayaness We're on the same wavelength with this - afterall if someone isn't going to support you they are going to hinder you more than help.

[Smoke Jaguar]

Just remembered something (hey it was just over 5 years ago, give my memory a break!):
my compromise for the homebirth the first time (FBC in the end) was the HypnoBirthing. I would have done HB regardless, but DP didn't even want to pay for the Hypno course (he wasn't working at the time, but he had some other money tucked away). I told him that as I wasn't getting a homebirth I needed the HypnoBirthing as a kind of insurance for a peaceful birth, to align with how I saw myself giving birth. I told him that if he didn't pay for it I would ask my mum to pay for it. He knew it was what I wanted and I wasn't going to say "ok, I won't do it" just because he didn't think it would help or didn't think we could afford it. It was going to happen, no compromises. I'd compromised enough. I definitely credit my insistence on learning HypnoBirthing with two very peaceful births that allowed me to trust myself and my body to do the job it needed to do. Even if I'd ended up with interventions, HypnoBirthing was going to get me through with the best outcome for my emotional wellbeing.
So, yes, I've been to that negotiating table and pretty much told him what I wouldn't budge on and that if he wasn't on board, I'd leave him at the pier

[Arcadia]

From a feminist perspective, I think it is problematic to assume the power dynamics of a male/female relationship are ever 50/50. That is a very loaded statement I know, but on iPhone so can't explain further now...except to say society in general puts more weight on the opinion of men, even when it comes to birth (think of how male dominated obstetrics is)...so I think it's vital women get the majority of the say in her own birth. No one wants to put their life or baby's life at risk, so I think we should trust women to make the best decision for her and her baby.