First birth, I would have said D. DH would have voted C but he actually went for A (and didn't make good judgements to boot). Which is why subsequent births are going to be E: DH is going to find out about me being in labour when I tell him that his child has arrived.
C the majority. I gave DH the option of pub vs private vs homebirth pros and cons for all as well as name of public hospital and private and OB and MW and he said what he thought and I was happy with all choices but was leaning towards what he wanted as well. So we went along to OB appt together and he was happy so we went ahead (I had worked with OB and knew him and his views).
I say B and D because my DH needs to be relaxed/confident enough to be an effective support. He does not do stress well at all. For example, I really wanted a home birth for #4 but he was worried due to my previous complication and would have been too tense. I had to consider his feelings in my decision and even though I was prepared to take the risk, I couldn't do it for his piece of mind in the end.
A d for me. But I was probably more like an e at first and then worked Dh around. I think men don't really have a social/cultural framework for their role in birth (beyond waiting room scenes in movies or frantic driving) so they tend to err on the side of institutions and professionals. Now that Dh has seen me birth twice he knows it's more important that I am comfortable and have the support I need, as opposed to his comfort. In fact with ds birth I wanted to be alone. I love my Dh and I want him to be comfortable with the decision, but I do think the birthing woman has the majority of the say.
Great question... really cool! (I also like the fact that it suggests you may be thinking long and hard about your birth options )
My opinion is based on my relationship and my circumstances, I don't believe that it relates to every situation or every body.
For my first birth, I would have said (c) joint decision. If everything had worked out well, I would have thought that decision was a good one. However, my DH, although he is a lovely man that I respect on many levels, is not particularly empathetic or supportive in a birthing situation! In fact, I think that some of the issues I had in my birth were related to issues we have in our relationship and with me not getting the support I needed, to give birth.
For birth two, I wanted to take control of my birth and find a situation, atmosphere and support crew who were on my side with my wishes. That meant that I had to have some pretty stern words with Dh about what I expected from him and if he didn't accept them and meet them, he risked not being present at the birth. I felt I needed DH to make the decision to be there whole heartedly. That said, I would never make a decision without talking with him, considering his opinion and discussion options, therefore, I'm a: d) It is my decision, however my partner's beliefs will be considered when making the decison. kind of girl now!
I must say, it all worked out perfectly in the end and DH was amazing at the birth for babe two, in fact he was the only one there for 95% of it. We reached a good consensus in the end but if he had refused to discuss or understand where I was coming from, I was more than willing to go ahead without him to get the birth I felt I needed and the one that I felt was best for my baby.
I think d. Ideally, it would be a joint decision, and in theory that would mean DH respecting that it's my body and my birth so he would have to come to me, rather than the other way round.
I know some women wouldn't even hesitate to answer E, but while a woman's bodily autonomy is vitally important, this is also his child you are giving birth to and to completely dismiss his thoughts or opinions effectively dismisses how much you value him as your partner and your child's father kwim? THis is just my personal opinion though.
For me, it is a clear 'C'. I needed more than anything to have my DH's uncompromised support and I felt that it was important for both of us to have equal input. I knew I would be fine with the birthing caper, but I needed him to support me fully on a few things that I wanted so we both worked together on that if he had any reservations etc.
I know this birth is going to be really tough for you to prepare for and I can see that this is what is driving this question for you, but I think you will get what you *want* from this birth only if he fully understands what you need from it kwim? There isn't any point in a point plant E response because that may get him offside and make him feel like his opinion isn't valid and he may not be able to support you in the way you need him too if he feels like that. Not saying that E is what you would be choosing, but there is a lot to be said for working through decisions together.
ETA - wanted to add too that while it is C for me, I see that as meaning I would put forward my reasons and then I would let DH put his forward and hopefully we can come to understand why each of us wants what we do. I don't think that means a compromise on my part because ultimately it is my body - so for example if Dh wanted me to do something that was damaging for MY body, but at the same time not affect the baby then it would be a flat refusal on my part, things like C/s or repeat epi etc.
Last edited by Trillian; June 20th, 2011 at 09:45 PM.
I would say (c) but if there was a sticking point which couldn't be compromised (eg: either it's x or y, and there's no where in between) then (d) for that part, then revert to (c).
At the moment i am thinking e). I am the one who has to be pregnant, labour and birth this child and live with the consequences (physical & mental) of the pregnancy, labour and birth. Why should i (how can i) delegate that decision in any way to someone else? I do worry that going this way may harm our relationship, but i worry more that if i don't listen to my inner self and make decisions that work for me this time, and then something goes wrong that the relation will be hurt even more.
My first birth i was probably b) or d). trying to be a good girl and please everyone else. if everything had gone ok, or if i felt comfortable that the decision was right (even if things hadn't gone ok), i wouldn't even be thinking about it. Because it didn't, i am frustrated with myself for not doing what i wanted.
i'm still digesting some of the comments, and i thank you for responding. Gotta feeling it may be a little while before i have it all worked out in my own head.
I'm somewhere between D and E in my beliefs. I guess I married my husband because he's someone whose opinion I value so I would always take it into consideration. I think he would vote D, but perhaps C because he thinks he "should" to show he's interested and involved. Truthfully though he always believed it was my decision and he said he trusted me and my knowledge of birth options to choose the best choice.
When it came to making the decision I used him as a sounding board but I didn't make the best choice first time around (talked myself out of a home birth and went to a birth centre). Second time around I started to do the same thing and he stepped up a bit more that time and talked me into the home birth (well, mainly he told me I needed to take money out of the equation and choose the option I most wanted).
Thinking about this more, I don't think I would be married to the person if my answer wasn't somewhere between C and D. It's not just about birth but all the key decisions that affect me - work, contraception, more kids, money.
I think he would like to think the answer would be A! I also know he would hope for B but in reality we are stronger than that.
So you don't think he's going to come to the party on this with you? Do you think maybe that he is still dealing with a little bit of trauma as well from your last birth? Men handle these things differently to women. From what I have read about the place, men seem to be the ones who tend to go rushing for medicalised birth when there has been a previous trauma because they seem to think that Dr's can stop all of these bad things happening again. But what they neglect to realise is that it is the Dr's who more often than not create the trauma. They don't equate homebirth (for example) as being 'safe', they only see it as being dangerous because if the trauma that occurred last time was in a hospital, how is being at home away from all the machines that go ping going to be any better kwim? Men who seem to be able to understand all that tend to be a rare creature indeed. If a woman had a PPH in a hospital that was caused by interventions etc, a man might only focus on that if you suggested homebirth and start with 'what if you bleed', not realising that when you are away from the interventions, then you are LESS likely to bleed.
I really think that for you to get your E, that you just need to work on him and help him understand why this is what you want. Most of the time fear is borne out of simply not understanding the situation properly and I reckon if you can get to that point where YOU are 100% happy with what is going to happen. You need to start at D to be able to get your E does that make sense? If he understands all that you are telling him and why it is so important that you do it, then he will be more likely to accept that you want to do it your way. If you start at D, he gets a chance to validate his concerns and it lets him have an input.
When I said above that I know I couldn't birth with confidence without DH's support, that is coming from my own situation where there has never been any trauma. I never had that baggage I had to deal with first. I imagine that if I had a traumatic birth, then my whole perspective on this question would be different, especially if some of the trauma happened because I wasn't supported by him or if he let things happen that shouldn't have happened.
So you are coming at this from a completely different experience to what I was and I totally understand that there is a need for some women to completely reclaim their bodies and their births by doing E. I just think that to get to E, you probably do need to work through the others first
The trauma last time was caused by the doctors though. What does he think will be different about going to hospital this time? Because you're in a MW led unit? Maybe he needs to learn more about transfers and hospital rules regardless of which part you're birthing in.
If my H wasn't on board I'd start moving towards E and offer him support and education so he could understand my choice.
What role does the father of baby have in the decision of where & how to birth?
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In fact, I think that some of the issues I had in my birth were related to issues we have in our relationship and with me not getting the support I needed, to give birth. 
and I can see that this is what is driving this question for you, but I think you will get what you *want* from this birth only if he fully understands what you need from it kwim? There isn't any point in a point plant E response because that may get him offside and make him feel like his opinion isn't valid and he may not be able to support you in the way you need him too if he feels like that. Not saying that E is what you would be choosing, but there is a lot to be said for working through decisions together.
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