Being Left Alone

[fionas]

OK, before I start, can I just say that I'm a well-adjusted person who is quite nice and friendly despite the fact that the rest of my post will make me sound like an anti-social freak!

The thing is, I don't like being fussed and faffed over or, for that matter, being told what to do. For most things in life, I'm very self-reliant because I've had to be and generally don't trust other people's opinions, preferring to work things out for myself.

So the idea of having a midwife/doula and lots of people around me in labour has never appealed whatsoever. Infact, the higher chances of being left alone in a private hospital because the midwives are too busy seem like a positive bonus to me rather than a negative!

Without getting into the pros and cons of various birthing scenarios, I just wondered if there was anyone else who felt the same prior to labour and whether they changed their mind during labour/afterwards. I'm due in 9 weeks with my first as you can probably tell!

Oh, I will have my partner with me as no doubt I will need someone to shout at!

[Mother Goose]

ME! I HATE being made a fuss of and all the fluffing. When I was in labour I was torn between not wanting the staff anywhere near me and wanting the nice mid to stay with me. But really, I just wanted everyone (except my DH) to get out of my face and keep away. When I was on the ward it was the same. 99.9% of the time I wanted the staff to keep away (especially since most of them were so awful!) but there was the odd occassion that I wanted/needed them around. I go with the notion that if I want/need someone or something - I will buzz.
I also didn't like being told certain things (like I was confined to bed) during labour (and on the ward - some of the things they said to me were so... well, lets just say they made me see red!).
However, I was very very happy for all of my friends to come and visit at any time and welcomed them with open arms!

If you are worried about how you will react with the mids etc being around - you can incorporate something into your birth plan (if you have one) limiting the frequency of their presence and intervention. Also, I found that my mids actually came in, introduced themselves and then told me they would pop in and out periodically but if I felt I needed them more to just buzz and they would stay with me. So hopefully you will get a nice flexible mid as well!

HTH and good luck with everything!

MG

[Julie Doula]

I love it! Good on you! You know what you want and how to get it.

I had a good friend who became a midwife herself. Whenever she got deep into labour, she would shoo everyone out of her room and labour entirely alone. There'd be all these people cooped up in the loungeroom while she'd have her peace and privacy in her bedroom. Heaven help anyone who peeked around the door to check on her! No one would go near her until SHE called for them. But she liked them being in the next room. She also hated being called any term of endearment. She was/is a fiercly independent person of strong opinions and is also the survivor of child sexual abuse, and found that a high sense of control over her own boundaries was something very important to her.

By my (limited) observation, I've noticed that strong-minded, independent types (also known as 'control freaks') do very well indeed when it comes to navigating their own labour if left to their own devices. This is a fellow 'control freak' speaking here, right? (I hate being told what to do, too!)

If I was your doula or midwife I'd be in the other room doing a jigsaw puzzle (like that cool doctor in the HBA3C montage!) and I'd wait for you to call on me IF you ever chose to do so!

Good on you, you know what's good for you and I hope everything goes outstandingly well for you.

BTW you can get peace and privacy and a ban on any fussing in places other than a private hospy - and also you might get less monitoring, too. I think at home or in a birth centre YOU get to keep more control, whereas in places where they like to do a lot of monitoring, so THEY can do risk-contol, the temptation is there to meddle more.

[fionas]

Oh Mother Goose you've made me feel so much better. I will incorporate it into my birth plan but also give myself room to move incase I have a personality change and turn into Mrs Clingy who wants her hand held by the nice midwife!

[Mother Goose]

Glad to help Fiona. I'm glad you're going to be flexible - none of us really know how we will act/cope/behave during labour until we're there. I look forward to hearing about your experience.

[fionas]

No, indeed Mother Goose - I'm sure that it might be a very different story after the birth!

Thanks also to Jule Doula. I must admit that I never really thought about the possibility of employing a midwife/doula and then getting them to stay out of the way so thank you for raising that option (not for this one but maybe if I have another). It's nice to have another perspective on things.

When I've been reading about the positives of employing your own midwife/doula, it's usually all around the fact that you get to know your midwife beforehand, she stays with you during the labour etc. which as I said earlier just did not appeal at all. No offence to the sisterhood intended! But someone next-door doing a jigsaw as my little security blanket - now you're talking!

By the way Julie Doula, I'm going to be on a Girls Weekend Away in Warburton this weekend. My friends will be under strict instructions that in the VERY unlikely event that I go into labour VERY prematurely to get on to bellybelly straight away and find the Julie Doula chick! BYO jigsaw!

Their usual response to any type of physical crisis is to a)double up with laughter or b)tell the person to stop embarrassing them so they wll be absolutely useless should the baby make an early appearance.

[Alan]

I try only to be there if needed. I will normally be in a corner of the room or just outside the room trying to disappear. But to be able to reappear if needed. I always tell mum that I am here to do what she wants, I am not here to tell her what to do. However there are time when mum does want help and some direction. Ultimately it is her body, her baby, her birth. She should have the right to decide what happens.

[Karina]

Fiona.. before hand, I just wanted my mum and hubby there, but just there, but not in my face the whole time.. does that make sense? I just didnt want to be fussed over, but I did want someone to be there with me kwim? I did end up having my mum and hubby there with me, and my midwife only came in about 4 times during the 9 hours I was in labour. I figured, I dont really need her to be there every minute and if I do need her, there is a buzzer and I can just call her using that.

[Julie Doula]

By the way Julie Doula, I'm going to be on a Girls Weekend Away in Warburton this weekend. My friends will be under strict instructions that in the VERY unlikely event that I go into labour VERY prematurely to get on to bellybelly straight away and find the Julie Doula chick! BYO jigsaw!

Packing my jigsaw right away!!!

BTW the wonderful Alan will be in our neck of the woods shortly so you could be all set with a midwife and doula who will steadfastly ignore you until you instruct us otherwise!

P.S. I hate jigsaws. Not a problem tho - I'll bring my crochet ....

[Edensmumma]

fionas- i think its great that u are going over all the aspects of your labour and mentally preparing....
I was exactly like this, i wanted to labour at home (secretly planning to stay there and just have the baby alone LOL) i told hubby that at the first twinge step daughter must levae, i didnt want to fone anyone or have anyone know as i just wanted to be alone in my thoughts and not have anyone checking on me etc. I too hate been being fussed over, it makes me extremely uncomfortable. I wanted hubby there only, and at the Birth Centre i had told my midwife that she may come outa the shadow of the corner if she has to only, hehehe.
BUT then about 4 hours after getting to the birth centre whilst rotating thru the contractions, hubby's hand on my lower back and voice was replaced by Rosie's hand and voice(my midwife), and can i tell you this touch and voice changed who i am today. I never would have thought a female soothing me would be what i craved at that time( not a great relationship with my mum to say the least) but i will forever remember that moment and am glad, so glad, she was there.
So maybe go with your plan of just u and hubby, and know thats what will work for you. But also maybe consider a close friend that can be on standby?? U just never know how its gonna be...
Best of luck, i know how exciting these last few weeks can be.
xoox

[paradise lost]

i'm a very independant type and also a SA survivor so i'm usually very self-contained with my pain (emotional and physical). I hate being fussed over usually and feel crowded if people try to care for me.

During labour XP (was DP then) sat by me and breathed with me and moaned (while i moose-bellowed) through trainsition and most of my 2nd stage (my whole "real" labour was under 4 hours, i got the urge to push when i was only 2cm dilated so i was still roaring to avoid pushing 3 hours later when DD crowned!) but i didn't want him to touch me.

My midwives were in the bedroom with us (homebirth) but they must have trained with Alan because there were times when they spoke to me and i swear, until that gentle voice registered they were totally invisible. I mean, they were RIGHT in front of me, but i couldn't "feel" them at all, kwim? And when they saw DD was coming right now, even the sudden "action stations" while they got the stuff the newborn might need from the birth packs was done so calmly, it was as if her appearance had magicked it all into the room. LOL.

So i guess i'd say, yes, i totally know where you're coming from, and it'd be good to put in your birth plan that you might want a lot of alone time, and see how you go on the day.

Good luck

Bec

[fionas]

Thank you all! I do not feel quite so freaky now.

Edensmumma, it's funny you say that about having a close friend on hand. My friend Tracy almost gave me a heart attack the other day when she said that she'd like to be there and particularly down at the business end to see what was going on! I, of course said "nooooooo waaaaaaay."

Mind you, Tracy is The No-Nonsense Queen and she would give medical staff VERY short shrift if she thought they weren't explaining things or didn't know what they were talking about. And she's a project manager, so loves a plan!

[paradise lost]

I had a female friend at my labour and though she wasn't there for the actual birth (she was in the hall having gone to the kitchen to reduce the number of people in the room and because it was all getting very intense by then) and it was great. SHe knitted and we chatted and her and DP tag-teamed breathing with me so neither of them got exhausted. Also she made him and her brekkie (i didn't feel like eating when i was labouring) and the midwives and me tea/coffee and brought out the celebratory cakes etc. for afterwards. She missed the moment of birth but was back in the room before the cord was cut (pretty much immediately because the midwife hadn't read my plan! grr!) and held DD when she was only about 90 minutes old. I know it was a powerful experience for her and i was glad to have her there, not least because before seeing me give birth with only gas-and-air, at home, she thought c-sections were pretty much the way it HAD to be...

ETA: it might not be true for everyone but i kind of felt that after a person had come out of it i felt less "shy" about my hoo-haa, lol.

Bec

[Alan]

ETA: it might not be true for everyone but i kind of felt that after a person had come out of it i felt less "shy" about my hoo-haa, lol.

If I am ever attending your birth I promise I will not look at your hoo haa. (Well not until you no longer who cares who looks at it)

[paradise lost]

To be honest Alan by the time DD was emerging from it it didn't look anything LIKE my hoohaa! LMAO!

[Alan]

I can understand that. I have seen them before and during and, OMG do they look different. LOL

[paradise lost]

Yes, no-one who was at my birth could identify me in a hoohaa lineup by what they saw...even I would be struggling. Lol, hoohaa lineup... - sorry for hi-jacking your thread Fionas. I hope you have a fantastic birth.



B

[Tracey]

With INdah I simply tolds Midwife I was Fine & had it under control.

She siad to me so you dont mind if I go have a cuppa etc? I said no I'll call YOU when/if I need YOU!!

That was at 10pmish, I pressed the buzzer at midnight & she returned then asking if all was Ok, Indah arrived at 12:31am!!!

So they do listen to you....


ETA: This was also at a Public Hospital....